Im depressed, srry

crush

so this is a bit of a backstory on how the social side of school might've caused most of my problems. it's really long

there was this one guy that i was friends with in first grade. he was part of my little friend group, which included three boys and three girls. let's name them... Lemon, Cinnamon, Cherry, Cookie, and String Bean. oh, and me.

Lemon was basically the main character. He was cool and athletic in my little eyes. I thought i had a crush on him, but i eventually figured out that it wasnt a crush. i just liked him as a brother.

Throughout my year, Lemon was my main focus. (i was an evil little gremlin and used to kick him. if i could take anything back, it would be that.) I usually sat next to lemon and cinnamon (which i apparently also thought i had a crush on but i cant rlly remember) and cherry would sit next to one of them.

They'd tell me all sorts of stories, like how they 'had a zipline going from their window to their treehouse' and they 'pretended to stab themselves using ketchup and scared the poop out of their mom'. i figured that most of these were tall tales (they got a lot weirder) but i still loved listening to them.

at recess, we'd play jurassic park. i barely knew what it was, so i just did what lemon told me to. if ever i was told i couldnt pretend to do something, i just went along with it. lemon was usually in the middle of our games.

Then?

it was second grade. lemon moved. cherry grew out his hair to the point i only recognized him by his voice, but i didnt mind. cinammon started hanging out with other kids, but spent most of his time with us. string bean got held back. i was beggining to realize something, but i wasnt sure what.

Then 3rd grade.

Lemon moved back and the gang was all together again. cookie went to a different school. all my focus was back on lemon.

4th.

Lemon was gone for good. cinnamon left us for some other friends, but didnt do it out of dislike or anything. he didnt hurt anyone.

all that was left was me and cherry.

thats when i realized i might like him.

for an entire year, i spent all my time around cherry. all i did at recess was talk to him and walk around the jungle gym. not play, just walk.

he didnt play with anyone else.

i didnt play with anyone else.

in fact, one girl asked if we 'were dating or something'. i said 'no, we're just friends.' a weird feeling panged in my heart.

i came to realize that feeling in 5th grade. i legitimately like-liked him. after the semester mark?

he moved.

a little bit of my heart went into hibernation.

6th grade.

i tried to forget about cherry.

i really liked this one boy, licorice. i had all the same classes as him and my love was a cute innocent one that was actually friendship under a really big microscope.

7th grade.

he liked me back.

because of my rules, we couldnt be anything more than friends.

about a quarter into the school year, guess who shows up?

Cherry.

Cherry who i found out i liked for 6 or 7 years. cherry who was my only friend all of 4th grade. cherry...

who had girlfriends. who kissed at least four girls in the first year he was at my school. cherry...

who i loved anyway.

i looked at the girls he dated and wished i was them. i compared myself to them. i compared myself to beautiful women, and decided i wasnt enough.

i stopped eating breakfast and lunch around then. i began to show signs of depression. near the end of the year, i was having thoughts of suicide. i wrote down everything i could ever find out about him.

this continued through 8th grade. my feelings had turned to obsession. i wasn't healthy.

then highschool started.

he went to a different school, even though he tried to get into mine. not because of me, but because all of his friends were going to my school.

ive had meshes (alterous crushes) since then, but theyre not specific. im not thinking about anyone in particular, and especially not as severe.

now that I'm looking at it, this probably caused 86% of my problems