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Silas insisted on bringing me home, and we eventually- after twenty minutes. Agreed that he would sit in the passenger seat while I drove myself home. He says I had a panic attack, I didn't argue with him because it felt like I did. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?" He asks while leaning against the door frame of my front door, "fine, I will be fine." His phone rings, he pulls it out and the look on his face is unreadable.
"What is it?" I ask, "We have a mission with your clan, tomorrow morning." "No, no, no, just- fuck." I unlock the door, "See you tomorrow Silas, make sure Enzo's okay and tell him that, it's not the goodbye that hurt it's the flashbacks that follow, and I will always love him." My eyes tear up again, "so why'd you break up?" "I have this Mafia now, and it just so happens that in the choice between the Mafia and love I choose the Mafia."
That's a lie, love is everything to me. Honestly, I don't know why I broke up with him, maybe I'm just self-destructive.
Silas shakes his head, "You and I both know that's a lie, don't give up on him." "I already have, don't forget to tell him what I said," I say before going inside and closing the door.
"Are you okay boss?" Diego asks while walking passing by me, "do I look okay? don't ask dumb questions." I snap, "sorry do you need anything?" "No, I'm fine." I am so not fine.
I run upstairs and into my bedroom to write in my journal.
I am an idiot.
that's the understatement of the year, I am the most stupid person alive. I broke up with him. Why would I do that? Maybe it's because it was getting all too real, he made me feel complete, whole and I can't have that. I've never been able to have that.
but how do I tell him that I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth, he will never care for me like he once did, he let me in and I shut him out.
I have an alcoholic dad, a dead mom, and a teenage sister who hates me. He was the only good in my life and I ruined it. I could tell myself it was for the Mafia, or because I was afraid that he would die every minute of every day but it was for my own selfish reasons which even I do not know.
Maybe it's for this reason: I love him and that is scary enough for me.
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