Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 99.2: 1995, Ruiz

Chapter 99.2: 1995, Ruiz

I didn't know how long it had been when Miss Cha Cha found me in the bathroom. I knew I was crumpled on the floor in a stall, against the wall and bawling my eyes out. She burst into the bathroom, and I recognized her yellow witch toe boots. I put my hands over my face so she couldn't see me but she saw me anyway.

The stall door had opened, and she spoke to me in Spanish, little words of comfort but there was no comforting me.

She'd crouched down and taken me under the arms, pulling me to my feet but I fell against her. Like this we walked out of the rehab, onto the elevator. I started to cry silently into her smart vest, feeling guilty but oh my god I couldn't- I started scream sobbing again and when we got out of the elevator my knees buckled again and I was on the floor. She pulled me up again and took me out of that place.

In her car I took the bracing crash position, my head leaned over so far over my knees. My hands over my head. Just crying my eyes out because there was nothing else I could do. We drove silently.

I knew I should talk about it. She was probably so worried. But I couldn't take reality anymore.

And when I thought about Miss Paula's kind face, looking at me... When she let me try on a pair of her sunglasses, bragging that they were from the sixties and didn't I like the sixties because I liked Audrey Hepburn...I just lost it. Just lost it...because I still owned those sunglasses. Had been so proud of those sunglasses until this moment.

That's when Miss Cha Cha pulled over into a parking lot and hugged me. She didn't know why I was crying, but she was hugging me. That just made me cry more.

Because everything I knew was a lie now. Every kindness, everything. Who were these people...what was I doing? What was this really about- why was I here with them...if I had known about all of this, would I even be in the car with Miss Cha Cha right now? I just felt dirty. Everything felt dirty.

I realized that I was covered in my own vomit and gasped, but Miss Cha Cha didn't flinch. My eyes hurt, but I couldn't stop crying.

"Let's get you home," she said softly to me in Spanish. "Take a bath. Then you talk to me about it. I'll listen."

I didn't answer her. But she knew.