Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 6.1: 1970, Paulie

Chapter 6.1: 1970, Paulie

 

My dear, dear Georgina,

 

I'm so sorry, my dear friend. You got shafted by the world, and I wish I could have helped you more. But all I could do was stand back and watch helplessly, trying to shield you but their bullets went through me. Their ugliness went through me and I'll never forgive myself.

I tried to help you the best I could. You'll never know it, but I did. Your pain is greater than mine, but I can't stand the pain. I feel your pain on top of mine, my brain keeps trying to know what your pain is like. Its like its trying to punish me for not saving you and I think I deserve it. 

I want to die. I wonder if you are dead and how long ago you died. I forgive you if you took your own life. Paulie understands, my dear, and Paulie will see you in heaven. You deserve to go to heaven no matter what you thought. You are an angel among men, don't you forget it. 

You were so innocent. I can't stand it. I was the bad one, remember? I did all that shit but you never did even though you had that sass mouth and negative attitude. I see your face every day, it haunts me like a ghost. Sometimes I think I see you in my room. I did LSD once and all I could see was you and I got so freaked out I never did it again. You'd be proud.

Now that I'm thinking about it, if I see you in my room sometimes does that mean you're dead? Are you haunting me, Georgina? Do you just want to see me again? I love you, you know. Do you know? Do you love me anymore? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't because I don't deserve to be loved. Not after what I allowed to happen to you. 

You were so young. Eight years younger than me. I was old, why couldn't it have been me? But as you know, the world hates the young and pretty ones. You know that so well. I remember the time you told me about when you were homeless. I cried with you as you told me how you had been raped when you were living under that bridge. I wanted to go back in time and stab those motherfuckers. I really did. I still do. But those guys are in hell now. Please believe it, I'm begging you. 

I wanted to be your mom. You needed a mother, not a friend. That creature who you called "mom" was never your mom. Moms don't cast out their children for being different. You're so special and beautiful. Why couldn't you have been born to me? I would have loved you, nurtured you, never let you get away. I'm so sorry you weren't my biological daughter, but you were my daughter in the end. But I let you get away. I shoved you away in order to protect you. I couldn't protect you anymore except for that and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please understand what I did is different from what your mom did, okay? Your mom did not love you. But I love you. I'll always love you, please understand? I don't blame you if you don't believe me. You're not very trustworthy of moms.

I have a confession, my dear Georgina. Please listen, okay? I need to tell you I can't live anymore. I can't live with the pain and regret of losing you, of letting them kill Frankie and ruining your life. You'd tell me I had no way of protecting Frankie, that we had no way of knowing he would have been killed that night, but I think that's not true. Its just not true. There's so many things I could have done to prevent it. We could have sent you two away. We could have done so much. I could have done so much.

What that doctor did to you... I kind of wanted him to die. Did you want him to die, too? If I had known what he was going to do to you I never would have let him. I would have killed him myself for even talking to you about it. He had no idea what he was doing but you were so desperate. He was just motivated by money and fear. Why didn't you talk to me about it? But I don't blame you. I'd never blame you. You just wanted to be a woman so much. But you are so beautiful no matter what. No matter what you look like, you're so beautiful. No matter what form you take, I'll always think you're beautiful, even if you're an angel in heaven right now.

I'm writing this letter to tell you I'm going to end my life, Georgina. Maybe you're dead already so you're reading this from heaven. Maybe you even want me to come up there to meet you finally. Maybe you've been waiting. 

I love you, Georgina, my daughter.

 

-Your loving Mom forever, Paulie