Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 75.2: 1995, Ruiz

Chapter 75.2: 1995, Ruiz

"You got a rubber band?" 

"In my purse. Wait a minute."

Everybody was all smiles. Ambrose was braiding my hair. He couldn't keep his hands off it, and I didn't want him to ever stop. Was I dreaming? 

No, because we were surrounded by other families. Crying babies, crying women. Crying men. And it wasn't like we didn't have tear stained cheeks, either. But our crying was over. Over. What a strange word.

I was smiling as Ambrose took the rubber band from Miss Cha Cha's hand, and I was smiling as he twisted it around the bottom of the French braided pigtail just below my shoulder. His warm hands had been on my scalp, his nails scraping to get the parts just right. They didn't have any nail polish on, and that was strange, too. But it was okay. He was smiling, so it was okay. It didn't seem real.

And it wasn't. We were all "avoiding the elephant in the room" as Georgina had often said. We were just making pleasantries. No matter how those pleasantries made us feel. 

There was no pizza. He hadn't even asked me about the pizza. I think he already knew why.

"You can't bring food in here. You can give us money so he can buy from our snack cart, but you can't bring food in here." As the receptionist was saying it, I knew why. I couldn't bring the pizza in there because I could have put drugs in it. A razor blade. A needle. Maybe the other patients would get jealous. Something. I don't know. But that pizza was in Miss Cha Cha's car now, getting cold on the front passenger seat. I wasn't going to eat it. I couldn't bring myself to.

As he started on the next braid, I lost all thoughts, just feeling his warm hands. Longing. I was trying so hard to believe. But I knew his eyes and their uncertainty told me a truth I didn't want to know.

I forced myself to speak, because I just wanted to hear his voice. Was that so bad? The guilt in me told me yes.

"Ambrose. What do you do here?" I asked, knowing this would get a long answer. My eyes glanced at him and he was smiling at me. His lips were so pink. Flushed. Happy. He was so glad to see me.

"I go to group three times per day. We talk about various things. I eat lunch, dinner. I don't eat breakfast because I want to sleep. They got on my case about that for the first couple of days, but now they're letting me." He wasn't talking as long as I had hoped as he finished speaking. But- "I missed you every day. I thought you didn't want to talk to me. I thought you didn't want me anymore. Thought you deserved better."

This caught me off guard, his words. It was the elephant, striking my body all of a sudden. And he was still smiling at me. How could he be smiling when he'd just said that?

"I'm going to get us some sodas. I'll be back," Miss Cha Cha said, I thought a bit awkwardly. But I knew what she was doing. She got up and more than a couple of people were staring at her. More than a couple of people were staring at me, too. But I was trying to ignore them the best I could. 

"Ooh, soda. I'll take a grape one," Ambrose called after her like nothing was the matter. Like he hadn't just said something that stabbed me through the heart. But it wasn't a spiteful feeling going through me, nor betrayal. I couldn't make sense of this feeling in me.

"I- I'll take grape, too," I said, needing to clear my throat all of a sudden. Fog was in my throat about him. Him still smiling when... 

He took my hand and just held it there. It was so unreal, but I folded my fingers in between his and he clamped on.