Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 75.1: 1995, Ruiz

Chapter 75.1: 1995, Ruiz

"Oh yes, I heard. Did you like her? I was aware of her, but I didn't listen to her music so much. How are you anyway, though? Its been a while."

I breathed heavily into the phone. Talking to Charlie was making me wish I could talk to someone who understood. I just needed to talk, but this was showing me it was more important to talk to someone who understood. But I couldn't bother Miss Cha Cha about Selena again. Besides, it was Saturday morning. With a heavy rock forming in my stomach about it, rolling over, I realized that right now she was teaching five year olds the very basics of the cha cha, the salsa, all those Spanish rooted dances.

"Ruiz?"

I blinked. I'd become temporarily lost, imagining her dressed in her dance class clothes with a trail of five year olds behind her stepping too heavily and giggling like kids do, as she squwaked at them merrily and clapped her hands to the beat with a big smile. I'd observed this over a year ago. The longing increased, hearing Charlie's voice when I'd really rather be talking to her. A different longing, too, about how I'd rather be in that class with her right now, maybe even smiling.

"I'm fine," I told him, unwilling to make him worried about me. What was I doing? I wanted to be honest but I couldn't. Not with him, because I was realizing now that we weren't really friends. A friend was somebody you could be honest with, tell them anything without fear of judgment. Somebody like Miss Cha Cha, Georgina... I started staring at the tile floor in the kitchen. Somebody like Ambrose... My heart clenched. Ambrose would understand. We'd probably be sitting on my bed talking about Selena, crying together and listening to her music. That's all I really wanted right now. I just wanted him, how he was, holding me and telling me it would be okay...

The floor's wild orange patterns were blurry now. It took me a second to realize why. I blinked rapidly, trying to keep my feelings in. But I didn't want to anymore. I knew people who wouldn't mind now, and I couldn't bear to keep myself in anymore, especially not for other people.

"You're fine? I'm so glad to hear that. How's Ambrose?"

I pressed my lips together, blinking even more. "He's fine," I breathed in. But this was another heavy reminder. I knew that if Charlie was really my friend, he'd know not to ask about Ambrose like this. It only solidified the fact that Charlie was an acquantaince, and maybe I shouldn't have called him at all. It made me feel bad, but-

"Hey you know what? Hirsch cancelled on me again. I've got these movie tickets for this afternoon. We were gonna go to the arcade and then the movies, but you know. You want to go with me? I bet you could use some fun, get out with a friend."

A friend. So he considered us friends. What was wrong with me? It filled my belly with guilt. This made me feel urged to go with him.

"Okay," I said, trying my hardest not to sniff.

"Okay, come to the store. We'll leave from there."

"Okay," I said again. As we hung up, I realized he hadn't even detected my sad tone the entire phone call. I tried to tell myself I was making too much of it, over reacting because he of course couldn't magically read my thoughts and noone could. 

But immediately, I knew that wasn't true, because Ambrose always seemed to be able to.

Going out had been an ordeal. Coming into the front door, Zorro started barking and I tried to tell her shush. I heard Mama's TV on in her room and quickly went to my room. Inside, I kicked my purse under my bed to hide it again and took off my earrings as quickly as I could, too. I ripped a Neutrogena cloth out of my make-up drawer and began rubbing all of my make-up off my face. I hadn't put on much, but it was telling. Mama couldn't see it. She couldn't see that I had gone out as a woman. She'd be so-