Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 3.1: 1994, Ruiz

Chapter 3.1: 1994, Ruiz

 

"I think your Eliza Doolittle/Audrey Hepburn drag is tired."

"What did you just say, Miss 'I wear Coco Chanel that looks like it fell off the back of a truck every competition and the judges know it'?"

"They know it because I'm fabulous. You're just jealous."

"Girl, you crazy. Now tell me if my lipstick is on straight."

"Nothing about you is straight."

"Giiirl, don't make me sock you. Don't make this fist come down on you. Learn when I'm being serious, okay? Damn. Now look."

My friend Ambrose, also known as Ambrozia deVelour, observed my teeth while holding his tongue between his own. This tongue told me he was doing a good job. "Yeah, you're alright. What about mine?"

He smiled at me, his trademark Chanel red swiped over his two front teeth like he had decided to drink a little bit of blood before the competition.

"Yeah, you're good, girl," I smiled at him.

"Great. Now, are you taking your good lint roller, because I have-"

"I'm jokin', girlfriend. Give me a tissue. I'll fix you right up," I laughed, falling backwards on my bed in my fit.

"Oooh you witch!" Ambrose cried, fake punching me all over as I rolled around giggling so hard my stomach hurt.

He handed me a tissue and I sombered up to focus on the important task at hand. As I dabbed his teeth, I noticed what he was wearing. It was a beautiful black coat made of luxurious brocaded jacquard with a gleaming sheen to it that went to the floor and form fitted his body at the waist, then flared out ballroom style perfectly to accentuate a womanly shape. It was absolutely breath taking.

"Where did you get that coat," I breathed.

He looked at me knowingly. "My friend 'five finger discount'. Its a Balenciaga. You like?"

But of course.

"Oh shoot, Ambrose, is that time right?"

His pretty hazel flecked eyes blinked at my little black alarm clock. "Does that really say nine fifteen. Please tell me you forgot to set it to Daylight Savings!"

"We gotta go!" I panicked. "Competition is at ten! They don't let late girls in, you know that!"

"Get your momma to drive us!"

"The traffic?!"

"It'll be the same as a cab but its free!"

I was breathing terribly now. What if I missed that competition and lost my chance at that one hundred dollars? My Mama needed that money this month! "Mama!" I called, throwing open my bedroom door. 

I was met with an empty apartment. Oh shoot, I forgot she was working a late shift at the hospital tonight. What were we going to do? This competition at Club Her Majesty only came but once a week and I needed that money by the 30th or Mama and I were done for. 

"Run!" I cried, jumping off the bed and grabbing both our purses. "We gotta catch the train!" 

"Girl, you crazy. We'll never make it!"

"We have got to try!" I yelled back to him, already running out of my bedroom door.

"Okay, wait for me!"

 

Down in the subway, my shrieks were echoed as I ran ahead of Ambrose like he was a sacrifice. My arms were over my head making sure my white and black circle hat stayed on so fiercely it felt like I was warding off attacking birds. 

"Damn, Miss seven inch heels can run!" I heard him shout to me some distance away.

"I'm runnin' for my Mama! Catch up, what's your problem? Your heels are only five inches!"

"Only?!" 

"Come on, girl!"

Like overly dressed baby seals sliding on their bellies to freedom, we slid into the train car just as the doors closed.

"Oh wonderful, the doors didn't snag my coat. Oh good Lord," Ambrose gasped, trying to catch his breath. He leaned on me as I took the last spot to grab for standing up on this train in the whole car. 

Everyone around was staring at us. They always stare at us on the train.

"They're staring at us again," I whispered to him, feeling his precious body against my own.

"Its because we're fabulous, darling. Now, is my wig still on straight?"

I made a tisk sound with my teeth. "Oh girl, you forgot your wig, damn," I laughed.

His eyes looked fearful like he was about to fall out of an airplane. His hand flew up to his head and found his beautiful, long black wig like Morticia Addams still intact.  "Oooh, you witch!" He shrieked, play punching me. At that exact moment, the train jerked to the left in a turn and he fell backwards. My arm flew around his waist and caught him before he could fall.

"Saved your life, make a wish," I beamed at him.

"Thank you, darling. I wish to win in this competition-"

I opened my mouth to protest, but he rose a black satin'd finger to my lips without touching them. "And I will give you half the prize money, because I know your Mama owes that forty dollars. I ain't no devil, Ruiz."

"Oh, you sweetheart. I knew there was a reason why we're friends!" I squealed, hugging him with my free arm.

"Whoa, whoa, saboteur! Don't wrinkle my coat!" he laughed.

We joked the whole way to the competition.