Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 57.1: 1995, Ruiz

Chapter 57.1: 1995, Ruiz

 

In the darkness, I was curled up in bed hugging a stuffed walrus to myself. Ambrose. He always liked to collect strange stuffed animals. He'd received this walrus for Christmas from Miss Cha Cha and immediately named him Wally. Wally the Walrus. 

Now Wally was all I had between crying myself to sleep or not sleeping at all. A median.

Ambrose was still gone. He'd been gone all day, gone last night. I'd come home, hoping to see him while dressed in the gold dress. Instead, Miss Cha Cha had been sitting at the kitchen table reading the evening edition of the paper.

"Oh, that's my Proud Mary dress. You know, Tina Turner, 'left a good job in the city! Workin' for the Man every night and day!' I used to wear that dress a lot," she'd said. But even thinking about Miss Cha Cha dancing to Proud Mary in that dress couldn't cheer me up. 

Ambrose. Where was he? What was he doing? When I'd gone to bed it had been 12 o' clock. I'd been laying here untold hours. I was sweating under the blankets, but I couldn't bear to remove them. I wanted to be hidden. I didn't want to be seen even in the dark by things unseen. I squeezed Wally closer to myself thinking this. It was just like me to freak myself out. Ambrose. If he were here, I could just cuddle closer into his warm body. But he wasn't. 

I didn't even care that I was mad at him or that he had been gone for over a day or anything. I just wanted him here. But he was out there somewhere. And I betted he wouldn't tell me where when he came back. Not for real, anyway. He wouldn't even tell me who he'd been with. 

I'd talked to Tony today. He'd been pushing a mop across the floor, his handiwork evident with the chairs piled on top of tables for a clear floor to push the mop across. It was a big job, but he was definitely up to it, not even tired after all that.

I'd been going crazy and he'd patiently listened, leaned on his mop like some sweep from Mary Poppins. Chelsea, who'd been doing inventory, brought me a drink to calm my nerves but I'd barely nursed it. The alcohol tasted weird after so long without it and I didn't really want to start drinking. It felt weird without Ambrose. I only ever drank with him. 

After all was said and done, Tony had offered to go see a movie with me tomorrow but a movie was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted Ambrose to come back, be like how it was. Tony understood this, but didn't have anything else to offer. I'd been grateful, but still frustrated and unsure where to go from his advice. 

He had made me feel better, but it didn't feel like it was enough. I kept hoping in the dark that I'd hear Ambrose coming through the front door, but it never came. Eventually, I heard Miss Cha Cha go to bed by her bedroom door closing. I didn't hear anything from in there tonight. Georgina was supposed to be here in two days god willing, so maybe that was making her feel better. I had no way of knowing. 

But tomorrow. My mind drifted to the sewing room, where a beautiful ruffly blush pink organdy dress sat wrapped around a mannequin. Next to it was an intricate lace dress with the same organdy underneath, creating a gorgeous fishtail train design on a close body mermaid dress. Each was perfectly done, perfect in every way. Ambrose had finished them the other day, asking me to try mine on. I'd done so, but he was horrified to learn that I'd lost some weight since he'd started. This meant he'd have to take my dress in, and he'd set to work immediately. It only had made me feel ignored and like I was some object. I'd gotten as far as to watch him cut out the zipper on the table like he was cutting into a cadaver. Then I'd left.

I wasn't surprised that I'd lost weight. I hadn't been eating. Animals stop eating when they're dying, and I felt like I was dying. Wasting away without him. Lately he'd only been here long enough to work on the dresses then he'd leave again. There was no time for me. Part of me wanted to blame myself for not asking him to make time for me, but did I really have to ask him to do that? Shouldn't he make time for me anyway? What was more important?

Once again, the answer was staring me in the face and I didn't want to see it. Staring at me in the dark. I squeezed Wally even harder. 

What were his priorities? The Pink! event was tomorrow night, or technically today since it was well past midnight. He wasn't here. I knew because of the event he'd be back some time today, but... I really didn't want to go. But I didn't want to disappoint him either.

A tingling in my heart seconded this. I didn't want to go. But the idea of disappointing him... But wasn't he disappointing me all the time? What about me? Still, his face. If I told him I didn't want to go, his face... The idea made me crush Wally.

Despite my anger, my resentment, everything, I still cared about his feelings. Even if he didn't seem to care so much about mine...I still cared. 

The heat under the covers was making it hard to breathe, stuffy. The silence was unbearable. But it was better than what I heard beyond the wall most nights. I had to pee, but I didn't care. This told me it had to have been hours and hours since I went to bed. Maybe I even survived the entire night, but I didn't really care.

All I wanted was for him to be here. I buried my face into my pillow, making it even harder to breathe. Maybe if I couldn't breathe I couldn't cry, and that was the only thing that was going to keep me from doing that. I just wanted him so much. The real him, not this uncaring person whom I had come to know over the past few months. 

In this same bed, I'd told him about myself and he'd hugged me and then made love to me. He'd told me he loved me. Now where was he? Was he awake? Asleep? I had no way of knowing and it was driving me insane.

No matter how much I tried not to care, no matter how much I was numb, it was still overwhelmingly painful.