Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 30.1: 1994, Georgina

Chapter 30.1: 1994, Georgina

If I had a drink right now it would go down the hatch. But you wouldn't like that. I know you wouldn't. But it makes me want to do it even more because you're not here to tell me no. I don't know what I'm thinking. I need help.

I've been thinking about your yacht. What became of it? Did your brother inherit it? Did you have a Will? You were too young to have a Will. I can't think about it, though. Because if I do, I'd begin to think about what you would have left for me. You did so much to ensure that I would be taken care of, though. 

Its like you knew you were going to die. I'll never figure you out.

I have all this money. Even thirty years later, I still have all this money. You left it in my favorite red chair, shoved inside the cotton batting, the broken zipper just redone on the cushion so no one would be the wiser. I found it, though, but you didn't know. I knew, because my chair no longer squashed like my favorite chair. Where did it all come from? But I don't want to know the answer. Please nobody ever tell me the answer. 

Would it be proof you were a bad guy if I knew this money was from cocaine and all of that shit? Is it from gambling? Did you collect it from people who owed your family money? Why did you have this money? Why did you give it to me? Was it really meant for me? Or was my apartment where you stashed it? Was I just a carrier, somewhere to put the money where nobody would find it? Was I in your criminal plan?

It makes me want to claw at my head, thinking of you this way. No, you're not a bad guy. That smile could never belong to a bad guy. Your sweet smile, the way you looked at me. Your eyes were so sincere and loving. But your money was in my apartment. Why? 

I like to believe it was for our future. You took this money so we'd always be safe, financially secure. I want to believe you would have brought it with you to Hawaii with me, never telling me about it. We'd have strangely never been in a struggle monetarily. I like that idea because you knew about when I was homeless. It makes me feel safe to think you thought of how to ensure that would never happen again. I would like this version to be the truth.

Some days, I can't stop thinking about those things you did. It makes me wonder why you died. Who had it out for you? Everybody. You were in everybody's pockets. Anybody could have gone into your family's home and done it. Everybody had a reason. Don't think I didn't know that you wanted to go to Hawaii for yourself as much as for me. You needed to hide just as much as I did. 

I wanted you to be safe. I wanted to go to Hawaii as soon as possible. That's why I did what I did, with that doctor. I tried to tell you that but when I was in the hospital I couldn't speak to you. But I think you knew. You didn't blame me, didn't say "why did you do this", so I think you knew. I hope wherever you are you're not still blaming yourself for it. It wasn't your fault, baby. Sometimes the human heart does things which seem mysterious, especially a woman's heart. 

I'm wearing your favorite dress. I hardly ever wear it because it reminds me of you too much. Its the light white cotton dress, the long one that flowed in such a way it made me look like I had hips. Do you remember it? I can still feel your hands bunching the material at my waist, hugging me. You wanted me to wear it in Hawaii, but I'm wearing it in my apartment. 

I feel lost here on the bed, on my knees. Its a mock prayer position, because I can't pray. I don't know who I'm praying to, or what to pray for. All I have are questions, and that's not a prayer, baby. That's an insult to god, isn't it? Questioning him? Questions like, "why did you take my darling away?" and "why did you let him get killed? Why didn't you deliver him to me that night so he wasn't home?" I still have these questions just like that second day when I could actually think.

I miss you a lot. I try to forget you sometimes because I can't bear the pain, but I miss you. I still love you, and I'm still your wife. It says until death do us part but as long as I shall live I will love you. 

I will love you.