Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Part I

Chapter 73.2: 1995, Ruiz

Chapter 73.2: 1995, Ruiz

It was late night. I'd been trying to drown out my feelings all evening by laying on my bed and listening to loud music on my Walkman, but it wasn't working. Not even all of the Miami Sound Machine could drown out these thoughts. These fears. I'd heard Zorro scratching on my door a few hours ago despite the music. Heard Mama calling for me. Now it was probably pretty late, but I was sleepless in the face of this.

Sleepless, because of what Veronixxxa had told me this afternoon. "He's going to call you your birth name." Just thinking of that right now made me shut my eyes, try to get it out of my crowded head with a violent shake.

I didn't need this on top of everything. I didn't suddenly need this cold man that I didn't even know coming in and invading my life like this.

Interspersed with sad thoughts in and out like floating fish out one ear and in another, Ambrose's face kept coming in. He kept smiling at me. Giving me that 'its gonna be okay, you know' look. But it wasn't going to be okay. He wasn't even here to say that to me. And in sadness came anger, because he wasn't here. Where was he? Where? And the sadness would begin again because I knew where he was. His smiling face. That mischeveous grin. Those hazel eyes.

I'd just roll over on my bed again, trying not to sniffle. No more tears. I didn't want to cry anymore, I wanted to control myself. But I was getting overwhelmed. What was I supposed to do? My brain was wandering to him again, thinking about his hand on my back, rubbing the spot between my shoulder blades like always. Missing him. His touch.

I was up from my bed now, couldn't even remember getting on my feet. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so alone, even though I was surrounded by more friends than I'd ever had. I'd only ever had Ambrose, but there I went thinking about him again. He was in every thought. I missed him in my heart too much. Needed him too much. I pained for him, needing to feel him, hear his words. Hear him say, 'if he calls you by your birth name I'll punch him in the face' which was his solution for everything because it made me laugh.

I went out of my room with my hand over my mouth and couldn't tell if it was to keep myself from crying or if it was to stop a smile I didn't want to have from the thought of him punching Veronixxxa's father in the face or both. I couldn't keep these overwhelming things inside me anymore and I needed to do something. Needed to talk to someone. But who could help me? I couldn't talk to my Mama. She'd tell me to suck it up and take it, that a job is a job no matter what name I went by. She wouldn't understand. It felt like the only people who'd truly understand I couldn't talk to.

But two minutes later, my body had done the only thing it knew how to do and that's how on the other end of the line I was hearing Miss Cha Cha's voice saying, "Bueno? Hola? Hello?" And the guilt.

I didn't say anything at first, but just hearing her voice, I knew my instinct had been correct. My emotions had figured out the right person to talk to, even if my dumb fingertips had simply pressed the phone number they most longed to press to hear the voice I most longed to hear, no matter what. No matter how stupid it was, I'd dialed Ambrose's number to hear Ambrose even though of course he wasn't there and I still didn't want to talk to him, still couldn't sort these strange feelings. I didn't know what I'd even have said to him even if he had been-

"Um...Bueno? Buen...Hello?" Miss Cha Cha sounded very confused. One glance at the clock above the kitchen table told me it was past 3am. No wonder she sounded so worried. But what she said next...my heart couldn't take it.

"Ambrose? Is that you? Do you need to talk?"

This made my voice...break. "No...no its not Ambrose!" I broke down, immediately folding into tears, unable to control my body anymore, something I'd been trying to do all day but now... Why'd she have to say that? It was immature, I knew it was immature of me, but why'd she have to say that of all things? What made her say that?