Wild Series #6: Twisted by Wild

#TBW22

Entry 22

Anger, disappointment, regret, recrimination, or maybe everything. That's how my mother looked me in the eyes. Like she's staring at someone she never knew existed. Like she can't believe her eyes for what they are saying. And she can't grasp the fact that her ears heard everything clearly.

The pool of tears in my eyes along with anger and resentment is enough evidence that I wasn't the same old daughter they had. I stopped growing at thirteen when they told me that I should do whatever they want me to do. I always listen to them; always think that they are right. Perhaps, every parent will say that they are only doing what is right and best for their children, but what about us? Are we forever kids in their heads who are not capable of making their own decisions in life? Kailan nila matatanto na tumatanda kami at nagkakaroon ng muwang sa mundo, may kakayahan kaming magdesisyon at pumili para sa buhay na gusto namin?

It's never my intention to forget them, I just want to grow out of my comfort zone. To become the person I failed to become because I was caged my whole life. However, I don't know if it's greed or fear that stops them to free me.

Greed, because they want to rule over me. Fear, because they never can afford to see me grow. Either way, it's not right. They are the ones who made me, they are responsible for my being, but this is my life. I have my own favorites. I have my own way of living. I have my own views on everything. They can't just forever dictate me for who I should become.

Habang iniisip nila na ginagawa nila ang makakabuti para sa'kin, unti-unting lumalaki ang agwat sa pagitan namin dahilan para hindi na nila makilala kung sino pa ba ang anak nila. I was growing according to the life they planned for me, but they failed to notice who I actually have become.

"Words." Tanging lumabas sa bibig ni Mommy at dinuro niya ako gamit ang kaniyang daliri.

I don't know if I saw a glimpse of tears in her eyes or if it was just me deluding myself. I hate them but I also love them. Noon, akala ko imposibleng maramdaman ang ganito. I've read a lot of books that mention how you can hate someone and still love them. This is it. This is how it actually feels.

When I look into their eyes, I see mixtures of bad things. On the other hand, if I let my heart decides and feels them, all I know is that I still love them. Ganoon din kaya ang nararamdaman nila para sa'kin? That no matter how they think that I'm a failure, do they still love me?

"I will never be like your boyfriend, Tri, because I will never dare take my very little chance when I'm obviously nothing compares to the woman I want."

I shoot my father a piercing look and saw him ridiculing my statements. Yeah. He will never be like Dax because he's a coward. Dax, on the other hand, is willing to take every risk because he loves me.

"He will be someone you wouldn't expect him to become, Dad. At kahit wala pa siyang napapatunayan hanggang ngayon dahil estudyante pa rin siya, at least hindi siya katulad mo. He has integrity." I gave emphasis to the last words.

"I actually have no idea why you are comparing me to that boy. I'm your father-"

"He's no hypocrite." Dagdag ko.

His contemptuous smirk is annoying me. What I hate about my father the most that I never inherit is how he always acts like he can patronize anyone just because he's so proud of himself. He's so confident that anyone who will dare to talk to him will eventually end up respecting him or fearing him.

"You know what? Let's end this discussion. Katulad ng sinabi ng Mommy mo, this is all nonsense. Go back to your room. Now that you're finally graduate," he arched his eyebrow like he's torn between believing that I really got my degree now or what. "We can talk about your position in the company. You'll take Masters and when it's finally time for you to take over-"