Wild Series #6: Twisted by Wild

#TBW32

Entry 32

Nang makauwi kami sa condo ng halos pasado alas dose na ng gabi ay agad naming inayos ang living room na para bang hindi kami nagsigawan kanina. Nararamdaman kong gusto ni Dax na buksan ang usapang iyon ngunit iniiwasan ko at alam kong napapansin niya iyon.

We're not okay no matter how we wanted to pretend like we are. But I miss him and I just want a few more times to spend this uncertain life with him. Kaya naman I decided to not think about our sinking relationship and choose to live the following days with him as if we are in our own world where other dreams don't matter—where my dreams and his career doesn't exist. It's just him and me. The two of us in our own world.

"I think this is the 15th time we're going rewatch this." Aniya habang nagpi-play sa malaking screen ng TV namin ang intro ng paborito kong movie.

We have this comfortable small mattress we bought when we moved in together here and we use this every time we have movie night dates. We placed it in between the coffee table and the sofas. Habang hindi pa nagsisimula ang movie ay kinuha ko ang throw pillows mula sa sofa at nilagay iyon sa kutson namin. Nilakasan naman ni Dax ang volume ng TV habang inaayos ko ang pagkain namin sa kutson dahil mas komportable kung malapit lang sa'min ang mga pagkain kumpara kung nasa lamesa ito.

Tumayo ako at lumipat sa harapan ni Dax. I sat in front of him, stretched my legs, and comfortably laid my back on his broad warmth chest. Naramdaman ko ang buga ng kaniyang hininga sa'king leeg at ang malakas na tibok ng kaniyang puso. Napangiti ako sa kaisipan na hanggang ngayon ay ganoon pa rin ang epekto ko sa kaniya katulad ng epekto niya sa'kin.

The movie finally started with Jo March facing the door of a publishing house. She's my favorite fictional character because somehow I can relate to her. How she chose her passion over a guy she loves, how she fought for her dreams no matter how society deprived her the opportunities because she's a woman. But in the end, after all the success, she's still lonely. And I'm scared that I might end up that way too if I choose my dreams over Dax. Pero...

How would I know what's waiting for me beyond these city lights, chaotic crowds, and loud horns if I wouldn't choose myself, for once, this time? Oo, takot akong maging mag-isa. Oo, natatakot akong iwan si Dax dahil mahal ko siya. At, oo, natatakot ako dahil hindi ako sigurado kung ang iniisip ko bang pangarap ay ang siyang para ba talaga sa'kin. But I was born to explore and risk things to see life. There's a life waiting for me that I keep rejecting because I'm scared. The dream that is one step away from me to achieve has been hanging in there for so long already because I keep refusing on taking the step forward.

This path is for Dax, this is not mine to take. I have the other road waiting for me all this time but I was scared of parting ways with the person I learned to become dependent to. I became someone I didn't want to become. I was supposed to grow independently. I was supposed to have my freedom.

I didn't regret the life I had with Dax for the past seven years, I was happy. I am in love. I slept peacefully. I was comfortable. I was secured. But I'm missing something big in my life for tying down with him. This life, us in this condo, this is our dream. But I have other dreams. He has other dreams. And we both know that.

Pumikit ako ng mariin at tinaboy ang mga kaisipan na iyon. I'm supposed to enjoy this night and the following days with him without thinking our sinking relationship. Alam kong lalo ko lang sasaktan ang sarili ko sa pagpapatagal na sabihin sa kaniya ang totoo pero hindi pa ako handa. Gusto ko pa siyang makasama kahit sa kaunting panahon pa.

"You love this movie, too." I spoke out and pulled the bowl of popcorn on the left side of his legs towards me.

I tapped his hairy legs because I just want to. He feigned a groan that made me laugh. I took a handful amount of popcorn and ate them straight. My mouth is full when I felt his lips hover in my ears.