Wild Series #6: Twisted by Wild

#TBW26

Entry 26

I never doubted my love for Dax. I'm always sure that what we have isn't something that could just be easily taken away from us. He's the first and only person I fell in love with in this life and I can't see myself falling for someone else. But, I'll be honest, there are days when I feel like I'm not enough for him. That there will come a time when he'll realize that I am not the person he would like to spend this life with. And every time I feel worst by just thinking and imagining scenarios that rip my heart open, he would appear out of nowhere and comfort my insecure heart.

Kahit hindi ko sinasabi, parang alam niya. Kahit hindi ko pinapakita, nararamdaman niya. Kaya sa tuwing pakiramdam ko hindi ako sapat para sa kaniya, he'll do everything just to snap me from it. He would always do everything just to make sure that I know that he loves me and I shouldn't worry about it.

At hindi ako makapaniwala na mabilis na lumipas ang limang taon. Dahil parang noong isang gabi lang bago ako matulog ay ibang-iba pa ang buhay naming dalawa. We were both struggling college students with personal issues who found each other. He asked me to dance that night which I rejected and the next day I found him stalking me. I was annoyed by his presence. I didn't like him around me. Yet...

I smile while watching him fighting for his life to get through the rain. He's wearing his scrub while he has a jacket placed above his head to shield himself from the pouring rain. Hindi naman ganoon kalakas ang ulan, sa totoo pa nga ay sobrang init kanina kaso bigla na lamang bumuhos ang ulan. May plano kami ngayong araw na sasamahan ko siyang bumili ng sasakyan bago siya pumunta ng China for three months.

Five years ago, I was the only one who is financially stable between us. Minsan—kung hindi siya tatanggi—ay ako ang nagbabayad ng dorm rent niya at bumibili ng kaniyang groceries. Minsan din ay patago kong nilalagyan ng pera ang wallet niya at pagbalik niya sa dorm, tinatawagan niya ako at mag-aaway na naman kami dahil sa ginawa kong iyon, but in the end, he'll just say that he misses me already. We were struggling and it wasn't an easy road for both of us.

We love each other but I can't say that our relationship is perfect. We argue almost every day, and usually, it's my fault. Madalas ay pinapalaki ko ang maliit na bagay sa pamamagitan nang hindi ko pagpansin sa kaniya. I know I'm the one who has the problem here but I just still can't figure out how to solve our conflict without detaching myself for a while from him. I always have this feeling of wanting to be alone for a while every time we have a fight. And he's the one who always puts up with me. He always tries to understand and respect me even though it's crystal clear that he finds it hard to be away from me, much so, to not have a word from me.

I'd like to think that I'm more dependent to him than he is with me, but I'm not sure with that. Dahil kaya kong hindi siya pansinin ng buong isang linggo samantala sa nagdaang pitong taon, never niya pa ako natiis ng kahit isang buong araw na hindi pansinin. Kung naiinis siya sa'kin, lagi ay nagagawa niyang kausapin ako sa gabi o kinabukasan. Ayaw niyang pinapatagal ang away namin ng isang araw. And I'm exactly the opposite.

I know I'm being unfair yet I don't know how to change it.

"Sigurado kang ayaw mo munang matulog?" Salubong kong tanong sa kaniya pagkapasok niya sa sasakyan ko.

Nilagay niya sa backseat ang kaniyang jacket at ilang gamit bago ako hinarap at hinalikan sa labi. Inayos niya ang kaniyang seatbelt at sinimulang punasan ang basa niyang mga braso.

Dalawang gabi na siyang walang tulog dahil nasa ospital siya ng halos dalawang araw na. When he graduated from Med School and passed the Physician Licensure Examination by making it to the top five, the Germar's immediately offered him residency. And when he started to earn, he finally agreed to me that we should start living together; we moved to a bigger unit just months ago.