Wild Series #6: Twisted by Wild

#TBW33

Entry 33

I should be happy that he chose me. But I'm not. Hindi ako masaya na ako ang pinili niya.

Those two weeks we had felt like a dream. We were in our own world, but the moment those days ended, we both know that we can no longer control the time given to us. Ang saglit na pagtigil sa mundong pinapangarap naming dalawa ay mabilis na naglaho at dinala ng hangin sa kawalan at ngayon ay hindi na namin matanaw. Kahit anong pilit naming hanapin at balikan ang maikling panahon na iyon, alam naming dalawa na malabo na.

I hate it when things end... but that's one of the truths of life. Everything has its end.

Ayaw ko mang isipin at saktan ang sarili ko sa kaisipang isusuko ko ang relasyon na binuo ko sa iisang taong minahal ko sa buhay na ito, hindi ko naman kayang ipagkait sa'min ang kapayapaan na nararapat para sa'ming dalawa.

Alam ko, nakikita at nararamdaman kong gusto niya pang lumaban pero...

Ayoko na.

Mahal ko siya pero... pagod na ako.

"Hey!"

I turned around from watching the City Lights to face Dax who entered our unit with a big exhausted smile. I wanted to return the smile but I couldn't make myself do it.

Dalawang linggo na ang nakakalipas noong naging masaya kaming dalawa sa kaunting panahon na bakasyon namin. Nang bumalik siya sa trabaho sa ospital ay naging madalang na rin ulit ang pagkikita naming dalawa. Sa totoo pa nga ay tatlong araw din akong natulog sa apartment ni Allison dahil tatlong araw din siyang hindi nakauwi.

Ngayong unti-unti ko nang natatanggap kung ano ba talagang problema sa relasyong ito, nagsisimula na rin akong maintindihan ang sitwasyon niya. I shouldn't be jealous over his time on his job. I shouldn't be jealous over his colleagues. I shouldn't be jealous of his friends. I shouldn't be demanding time from him because we both know how complicated his schedule is. Pero kahit naiintindihan ko na, nasasaktan pa rin ako.

Hindi ko kayang mawala siya sa buhay ko pero hindi ko kayang patuloy na mabuhay na puro sakit na lang ang nararamdaman naming dalawa.

"Hi," sa mababang boses kong bati pabalik.

Huminto siya sa harap ko at ngayon ko lang napansin na may dala siyang pizza at wine. He handed me a bouquet of flowers and I accepted it. Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya. He's still wearing his scrubs and his hair is tousled like he has already forgotten how to use a hairbrush. But he still looks undoubtedly gorgeous with messy hair.

Nangilid ang luha sa'king mga mata nang mapansin ko ang pagod sa kaniyang mga mata pero tinatago niya iyon sa kaniyang mga ngiti.

Four days ago was our eight year. I held on to his promise to me but it didn't came like I expected—a half of me expected it because the other half held on to it. At sa halip na magalit dahil hindi siya nakauwi sa mismong anniversary namin, wala akong ibang naramdaman kundi pagod para sa'ming dalawa. Naaawa ako para sa kaniya at sa sarili ko. Dahil hindi dapat ganito. We're supposed to grow beautifully and healthy, but turns out, we're slowly killing each other.

We were happy. It's just that... we're no longer like that now. Hindi na kami masaya.

"Late but..." he heaved a breath as though he ran a marathon to just get here. "Happy eighth anniversary, babe."

I was almost drowned by the smile he was giving me and the butterflies almost started flying again around my stomach only if the fact didn't hit me. Tonight is the end of our love story. I decided and there's no turning back.

"Dax, maghiwalay na tayo."

Silenced filled the air. Heartbeats went wilder and louder we could hear them through the silence. Chilly air coming from the balcony entered and it touched our frozen bodies. Tired eyes meeting sad eyes. Breathing became the only sound. And the sound of the pizza box falling echoed along with the splashed sound of spilled broken wine.