Wild Series #6: Twisted by Wild

#TBW27

Entry 27

I ignored him for seven days. I didn't log in to my social media accounts just to avoid talking to him. We've been into a lot of fights, pero iba ngayon dahil malayo siya. Sa mga nakaraan naming away, kung hindi ko man siya pansinin ay hinahayaan niya ako dahil alam niyang kakausapin ko rin siya kalaunan. However, when I finally logged in to my account, I saw him bombarding me with messages and missed calls. He doesn't like us fighting when he's far away, he told me that before.

Yes, we never fought once when he was out of town or even out of country, this was the first time that I ignored him when he's not home. Pero hindi ibigsabihin nang hindi kami nag-aaway ng mga panahong wala siya dito ay hindi ako nagselos dahil sa tuwing umaalis siya para sa trabaho nang hindi ako kasama, para akong teenager na kating-kati na sundan siya at siguraduhing wala siyang kinikitang iba. We were not fighting but I'm secretly doubting his loyalty for me. And I hate myself for that.

It took me seven days before I finally came back to my old logical and calmed self. Nandoon pa rin ang hindi ko mapigilang pag-ooverthink tungkol sa sitwasyon niya sa China at kung anong ginagawa niya kasama ng mga co-doctors niya—specifically with that particular woman I'm jealous of. No. Actually, lahat na lang 'ata ng babae na katrabaho niya ay pinagseselosan ko. God, I'm the worst.

"I miss you." Iyon ang bungad niya sa'kin nang magdesisyon akong sagutin na ang tawag niya.

I'm in my condo right now and it's a bit late in the evening already. Nasa kitchen ako at nakaharap sa aking laptop dahil hindi ako makatulog kakaisip kaya naman nagdesisyon akong tapusin ang trabaho ko kanina sa office.

I bit my tongue because as much as I want to return how I also miss him, I can't make myself say it. I'm too guilty to even speak. After ignoring him for a week, I almost make myself believe that he wouldn't call me anymore because he already got tired of me. But instead, he welcomed me with that.

I expected for him to welcome me with "Why are you ignoring me?" o 'di kaya ay "Lagi mo na lang akong ini-ignore, minsan biglaan pa nang hindi ko man lang alam ang dahilan. Nakakasawa na." But instead, he told me that he misses me.

Gusto kong isipin na nasasanay na siya sa madalas kong pag-ignore sa kaniya sa tuwing nag-aaway kami,—which is mostly my fault—pero hindi pa rin niya ako sinusukuan. At natatakot akong dumating ang panahon na siya ang unang bumitaw sa'min; na baka dumating ang panahon na marealize niyang pagod na siya sa ugali ko.

And I know I'm unfair for that. Natatakot akong mawala siya pero ako naman itong laging gumagawa ng problema namin.

I want to apologize for ignoring him but I feel like he already had enough of that from me for the past seven years of our relationship. Dahil lagi na lang ganito ang sitwasyon namin: mag-aaway kami, hindi ko siya papansinin ng ilang araw, kakausapin niya ako at pipiliting ayusin ang relasyon namin, I'm going to say sorry and he will accept it, then mauulit na naman. Minsan kinukumbinsi ko ang aking sarili na hindi siya napapagod sa'kin dahil mahal niya ako pero ginagawa ko lang tanga ang sarili ko. Who wouldn't get tired of my attitude?

"How are you?" Tanong niya nang ilang minuto ang nagdaan at hindi ko siya sinagot.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and face my phone to see him. Madilim na rin sa lugar niya at tingin ko ay nasa kaniya siyang room dahil kakaunti lamang ang liwanag na tumatama sa mukha niya. His hair is a bit damp like he just finished showering and he's wearing a white clean shirt. Nakahilig ang ulo niya sa headboard ng kama at halata ang pagod sa kaniyang mukha. His eyes, on the other hand, look more sad than tired.

At alam kong ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit malungkot ngayon ang mga mata niya.

I want to ask, do I still deserve this man?