divers

lost love

„I can’t do this anymore“, he breathed against my lips. I stumbled back, feeling like he slapped me.
„What’d you mean you can’t’d this anymore? What is THIS?“ He shrugged and moved away. I felt cold. „I mean this“, he said while pointing between him and me. „I can’t come back here anymore. It’s too risky. When they find out, they gonna burn us!“

I saw the naked fear in his eyes. I feared that too, but I wasn’t able to give us up despite of the danger of being caught. I loved this man with every fiber of my being. He made this life bearable.
„They won’t find out“, I promised and took a step towards him. He didn’t flinch away so I kept moving, until I fraimed his face with both my hands. He didn’t look me in the eyes so I hooked one finger under his chin and lifted his face up. „They won’t find out about us“, I repeated, trying to sound more convincing. If he walked away, if he left me I wouldn’t know what to do.

But as I stared at each other, both in pain and agony, I knew I couldn’t convince him. „What when they do? They will kill us. I don’t wanna die!“ Now, tears rolled down his beautiful face. This beautiful, strong man in his expensive garments stood before me, the boy of the horses, and cried in a dark corner of this wonderful estate of the Earl. And I didn’t have it in me to tell him that I would die for him, just to be able to stay with him.

My thumbs stroked his wet cheeks. He leaned into my touch and my heart shattered. It hurt so much that I couldn’t draw in my breath. Because he chose his life over me. He chose his life over our love. He chose everything about all that we had.
His hands grabbed me and pulled me even closer against him. The kiss he gave me felt final and sad and desperate and like the end of the world. Because he was all I had. When he finally pulled away, his eyes told me everything he couln’t tell me.

That he loved me. That it killed him leaving me behind. That he would regret it for the rest of his life.

Before he turned around, his bodyheat left me. Without looking back, he rounded the corner and he was gone. And I stood there, alone and being left. I felt like dying. My heart ached so much that it felt like it was bleeding because of the pain he had caused. When I didn’t have him I didn’t have anying. Life without him wasn’t worth anything.

I cried silent tears on my way to the lake. It looked so beautiful, laying there in the moonshine, sparkling with its depth. I prayed to God the Almighty that he would welcome me in his kingdom. Then I walked into the water and never stopped. It swallowed me and closed over my head, the silence welcomed me. When the last breath left me I felt at peace the first and last time in my life.

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Für all Diejenigen, die mich auf meinem Weg unterstützen ♡ danke