divers

marriage

He gets on one knee and asks the one question I dread the most.
„Will you marry me?"
I stare at him, in disbelieve mostly. He holds a little jewelry box in his hand and presents me the ring. We talked about this.
Obviously, I stared too long without saying anything because he sharpens his look. „Will you?"

„Frank, I thought we talked about this." He looks at me like he doesn't know what I mean. „About not getting married because then I would feel caged. Because I need my freedom. About that we don't need to get married because we love each other nonetheless."
His face closes off, his eyes grow darker and his features sharpen. That is not the answer he wanted to hear. Obviously. But he just puts his need over mine so I am calling him on that. I am doing that just myself, ignoring his needs and putting mine over his. I am aware.
„Yeah, we have. But that was months ago. And I always wanted to get married, to settle down and have a family." „But why can't we do this without being married? We can settle down, buy a house, have kids. We don't need to be married for that to happen. Marriage makes everything more difficult." „Why do you say that?" He gets up and stand before me, shoulders sloughed. He closes the jewelry box.
„Because we don't know what's to come. If we decide one day to go seperate ways, everything's gonna be easier without being married. And ..." „Why do you think about the possibility of us splitting?" He is rather furious now, but I don't care.

„Because I am a realist and you know that. I know that we most probably won't spend our whole lifes together because we won't love us forever like we do now." „But that's the point, isn't it? To stay together even though the circumstances are different?"
„You mean to stay together even though we don't love each other anymore?" He nods in agreement, his eyes locked on my face. „That's just dump and egostic in my opinion. And I won't do that. Why would anybody do that? It's harmful and absetting for everyone involved. That is not how it should be. No", I shake my head, „I won't do that."

„But", he tries again. He doesn't even seem angry anymore, just crushed and disappointed in me. I can't help him with that. „The concept of marriage for me is like a prison cell one can't escape. Sooner or later it's going to feel like that. I saw it with my parens. And I don't want to feel like that. Ever. So either, you get over the rejection and we stay together or I am going to move out. You've got the choice."

I wish I would have had the courage to tell him exactly that. To tell him off and to make my opinion clear for once and for all. But I didn't.
When Frank proposed, I plastered a smile on my face while feeling so sick to my stomach that I would have liked to throw up. I was too afraid to hurt his feelings if I would remind him of my opinion about marriage. So, I played the happy fiancée, the happy bride and felt like going into prison. I should have called the wedding off when I had the chance but I didn't. I am such a people-pleaser that I would rather make Frank happy and suffer myself.
I didn't tell anybody about how I felt. And now, we are married for five years, I am depressed, suicidal and pay terrible high fees to my psych while or because of that he cheats on me. He thinks I neither know nor notice. I will file for divorce.

I have learned my lesson. Never do something you absolutly not believe in just to please someone else.