divers

all or nothing

I cant believe it.
I stare at this pregnancy test in my hands, trying to wrap my head around the idea, that i have a human being growing inside of me.

Oh fuck, i dont know what to do! I know this guy only for two months. We just fucked and ate and fucked again. But we must have missed the opportunity to protect ourselves. From this. From becoming pregnant with a baby at the age of 21 with a person we rarely knew.

Oh shit, what should i do? Should i tell him? What if he doesnt want this? What if he leaves me all alone? What if i have to do this on my own for the next twenty years? How should i do that? I dont get paid well. If he leaves me and i cant work while i am pregnant, how am i going to survive the financial crisis? Call my mom? No way in hell will i go back to her? Text my dad? Maybe. He might be suportive and i could live with him for a few months until the baby is old enough so i can go back to work and it can stay in some kind of facility where it stays for the time i am working. That could work.

Okay. Should i even tell him? I could just ghost him and move to my dad and never see him again. But would that be fair? And what do i tell the baby once it asks about its dad? Well, i kinda freaked out once i discovered that i was pregnant and i ghosted him but good luck finding him on the internet??? No way in hell. Thats not who i am. I might be freaky right now but i am fair. And kind. And i am kind of in love with this guy.

What if i tell him and he wants to keep it? What if he wants to give us a shot in life and move in with me and play house? That would be the jackpot. I wouldnt have to worry about money and stuff. I would have someone out of my family i can try to rely on. Who knows, maybe we get married in one year and get another baby.

Ahh stop it. Daydreaming is not my thing either. It just complicates things in the end.

What if i give birth to this baby and its sick? Or dies? Or is disabeld? I dont know if i could live with that, not when i carried it so long with me.

What if i lost it in two days? I might have given everyone a scare and then … nothing. No, that is not going to happen. I am not a pessimist. But i try to be a realist. I try to see every possible possibility so i can confront myself with them so that i can be prepared for everything. Or that is what i tell myself to calm myself.

But why is it, that this baby is only my responsability at the moment? Shouldnt it be the problem of the father as well, even if he didnt want to continue the relationship and lose the baby? I believe so.

My hands are shaking as i lay the test down and fish my handy out of my pocket. I dial his number. All or nothing, right?