Frame Of Mind (Sapience Series #2)

Chapter 25

Maagang umuwi sila mama dahil naka labas na ng hospital si azriel, pero agad din naman siyang pinapasok sa kwarto niya para makapag pahinga pa rin.

"Anong nangyare sayo ate? Mukha kang naluge" turo ng kapatid ko sa aking mukha.

"Kamusta na nararamdaman mo?"  Tanong ko sa kanya.

"Okay naman na, doc" azriel chuckled, i just rolled my eyes at him.

Tinulungan ko na lang rin sila mama na ayusin yung ibang gamit na dinala sa hospital, mabuti at hindi nila napansin o hindi sila masyadong nagtanong sa exam ko.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayare sa akin, mahalaga ang exam na iyon sa akin, hindi ako pumasok ngayon dahil alam ko na ang mangyayare pag nakila na ako.

Inayos ko ang sarili ko dahil ang sabi ko kay shin ay pupunta na lang ako sa condo niya. Ayaw kong makita niyang ganito ang itsura ko. Naglagay ako ng kaunting lipstick at blush on para hindi masyadong halata ang pagkaputla, bago ako umalis ng bahay.

Sana after netong naging desisyon ko maging maayos ang resulta sa akin, sana hindi ako magsisi, sana maging worth it. Pakiramdam ko ay kailangan kong gawin ito, para sa sarili ko.

Nag message ako kay shin na papunta na ako, susunduin pa niya sana ako pero sinabi kong wag na at wala naman siyang nagawa.

"Hi, love i miss you" he hugged me tightly when i arrived at his condo.

"Hey" i said not hugging him back.

Hinila niya ako at pinaupo sa kanyang sofa, nawala ang malawak niyang ngiti ng makita ang itsura kong walang emsyon.

"How was the exam?" He sparingly smiled at me "is everything okay, love?" He asked look worried.

"Okay lang" ngumiti ako ng tipid sa kanya. "Shin.."

"Yes, love?" He was about to stand up but i called him so he sat again and looked at me, waiting.

"I want to rest" walang emosyon akong tumingin sa kanya.

"Sure, love. You can rest with me" he smiled widely.

"No, shin. Gusto kong magpahinga sa lahat" yumuko ako at naramdaman ko na nagiba ang kanyang ekpresyon.

"What happened, love? Is there a problem?" He held my hand, look worried.

"Please... I want to rest" my tears start to fall. "I'm tired"

"Pagod ka na rin ba sa akin?" Inangat ko ang tingin sa kanya, naghihintay siya ng sagot ko sa tanong niya.

"Yes" i wiped my tears "I'm tired of everything, shin"

"I-i don't understand you, love" my lips parted on what he said "tell me what happened?"

He can't understand me anymore?  even he is having a hard time understanding me. I was so scared of loosing him but maybe this was the right choice for us. I need some rest, i need some air, im so suffocated, i can't breath anymore in this world.

"Yun n-na nga, shin 'e..." Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang nabagsak sa aking pisnge "hindi mo ako naiintindihan... Hindi mo na ako naiintindihan"

"No, love thats not what i-"

"Lets end this, shin" hindi ko na pinatapos ang sasabihin niya ng akmang tatayo na ako pero hinawakan niya ako sa pala pulsuhan dahilan ng pagtingin ko rito. "Let me go, please"

I was crying hard, I didn't like it but I needed it for myself.  I don't want to hurt him but I was the first to hurt him. Your the best akeira. I laughed at my mind.

"No, love. Please don't leave me" he pulled me and give me a tight hug. I can't move at his embrace, i want to stay at his space.

"Shin, please" sabi ko habang humihiwalay sa yakap niya pero masyado siyang malakas.

"please don't leave me" he was also crying.

Pinilit kong lumayo sa kanyang pagkakayakap "i'm doing this for myself, shin. I need this"

"you are doing it for yourself but what about me?" He wiped his tears. "did you even think that I was hurt too?"

"Hindi mo ako naiintindihan, shin" hindi na mapigilan ang luhang nabagsak galing sa aking mata.

"why do you always doubt my love for you? I don't care how hard you are to understand..." His eyes are bloodshot "mahal kita 'e, mahal na mahal kita"

"Shin... Please" umiling iling pa ako. "Ayoko na" i sobbed.

"If this what you want, i understand. But I don't want it" he again wiped his tears "before you leave me, can i dance you for the last time?"

The more he said, the more I became weak, the more I didn't want to leave him.  I really don't want to but I have to.

I nodded.

Malungkot kaming umalis ng condo niya at sumakay sa sasakyan niya, papunta sa dagat na lagi naming pinupuntahan ngayon. Nang makarating ay inayos niya ang speaker habang paulit ulit niyang pinupunasan ang luha niya.

Nang nagsimula na ang kanta ay hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at inilagay sa bewang ko, at niyakap ko siya habang isinasayaw niya ako.

Nakayakap lang ako sakanya habang umiiyak, at ganoon rin siya. Ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin ay parang ayaw na niya akong pakawalan pa, at ganoon rin naman ako.

"No one can understand the love i have for you, not even you" malungkot ang mga mata niyang tumingin sa akin.

"I love you" iniangat ko ang sarili ko at hinalikan siya sa pisnge. "Always remember that i love you" hinawakan ko siya sa kanyang batok at niyakap siya.

"I fucking don't want this" he cried, that crushed my heart. "I love you, and I will love you again and again no matter how difficult the world we live in" he kissed me at my forehead.

"Be strong for me, okay?" I smiled sparingly at him.

This is our last dance, and we are going to say goodbye to each other.  That even at the last moment he made me feel his love, even at the last moment I want him to know that my feelings for him will not change.

it's like my heart is broken too much, I can't leave him, I can't hurt him but I need it for myself.

"go, find yourself.  I will love you secretly" he smiled and kissed me at my forehead for the last time.

And thats it, we're done. It's sad to say but I'm no longer in his life, i'm now part of his past.  I hope my decision will be worth it, I don't want to regret it in the end.

nothing can compare to the love he made me feel, and that is the love I will want to feel again and again. I love him and no one can change that.