Grim

56

Here we were, quietly seated in our room and avoiding each other's eyes. My heart was beating out of my chest as anticipation filled my lungs. I didn't know if the no I received was forever or just for a period of time, but I also didn't know if I wanted to know that answer. If it was a no forever, well, I just didn't know how I would be able to grasp that. It would definitely break my heart...

"I'm ready when you are," I let her know. I was trying to play calm, but on the inside, I was panicking.

"I wanna start off by saying that your proposal, the ring, and the way you set everything up was very beautiful," she started off. I couldn't tell if she meant it or not, though. If she did, why did she say no?

I nodded, "Okay..."

I was waiting for the but to come.

"I also wanna say that I'm sorry you felt the need to sleep on the couch, but I get it. I hurt your feelings, and you didn't want to be around me..."

I shook my head and explained, "My feelings got hurt, yeah, but I didn't sleep in here with you because I didn't know where we stood. Still don't, actually..."

"Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings when I said no. I didn't even mean to say no..."

I frowned at her, mad confused.

"When you asked me to marry you," she said as she connected eyes with me, "I panicked. I had been trying to enjoy the night after the phone call with Ricardo. I just wanted a normal night with you before our reality kicked in."

Was it the call that fucked shit up or was it the proposal that ruined her night?

"You asking me to marry you just reminded me of the fact that I don't even know if we're gonna make it out of this shit alive." I remained quiet so that she could express everything that she was feeling. "I know that for you, that gives you adrenaline to want to marry and to live your best life knowing that if you die, you'll die happy. For me, that thought strips me of every hope. It fills me with fear that I won't ever be able to create the memories or family I want with you, and it fucking scares me to death when I think that I can have everything I desperately want ripped away from me."

She was afraid that she wouldn't get her happy ever after because it would be snatched away from her by the threat that kept haunting us.

"It's okay to feel that way," I let her know. "I understand."

She continued, "Even the thought of being pregnant became scary for me. The fact that something so beautiful could have filled me with such anxiety...all of those feelings just overwhelmed me, Zy. I just want you to know that it's not that I don't want those things with you. It's the fact that I know it'll break me if I believe I can have them only for them to be taken from me."

I cupped her cheek and let her know, "I get it."

But at the same time, life wasn't certain for anyone. I knew the threat made things even more uncertain, but that uncertainty always existed. It only grew because of the threat.

I was hoping that after the threat, she'd be able to get over that fear.

"I still want everything we talked about. I wanna be your wife, and I wanna have our quadruplets," she let me know, laughing a bit at the idea of quadruplets. "Like I said, I didn't mean to say no. Everything inside of me was screaming yes, but the panic got to me. I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings, but just know, if you ever decide to propose again, my answer is and has always been yes."

I teased, "You got any ideas for a place to go, cause it's not like I could fly you out in these conditions?"

She chuckled, "In here, right now is perfectly fine."