The One Who Fell Ahead

Beginning

As a consequence of my stupidity, I did the worst thing a second-year college student could do.

"I'm sorry." Two words that crushed my whole system.

humans say you fall in love, but fall is such a depressing term when you think through it.

"Acel," I beg.

Fuck. Here it goes. . .

Falls are not at all ethical. 

"I-I can't, Rehl." He said nervously. "We're too young!"

"We both did this!" I shouted. "Tapos ngayon, iiwan mo ako?"

Ang tanga lang. 

"Alam mo namang hindi pa tayo handa para... para magkaroon ng anak." He reminded me. 

You fall down, you fall back, you fall till you're out of breath.

Akala mo ba madali lang sakin 'to, Acel? Tangina. All my life I've prioritized my ambitions so much. Tapos dito lang yung bagsak ko?! 

Sa isang iglap, tumulo ang luha ko. "Then what are we going to do?"

"Rehl" Kitang-kita sa mukha niya yung lungkot at awa.

No. Hindi pala lungkot at awa. Pagsisi yung nakaplastar sa mukha niya. Naramdaman ko yung kataksilan nang mabasa ko yung nasa isip niya

"Acel" pagpigil ko sa kanya.

"Alam mo namang wala na tayong pagpipilian."

Ang kanina ko pang pinipigilan na luha ay ngayo'y tumutulo na. I looked at him "pity" in the eyes. I like to torture myself.

"baka may pagpipilian pa tayo-"

"Rehl" He gently took hold of my wrist and pulled me closer. Niyakap niya ako at hinalikan ang gilid ng ulo ko.

I was already crying hard in front of him. "Please," pagmamakaawa ko.

"M-maybe" Sabi niya. Bumuntong hinga.

"Maybe we should put an end to this?" I continued his statement.

"No," Natigilan siya. "Maybe we should take a break. A break to forget what just happened." He losen his hold at seryosong tumingin sakin. "We're both too shocked for this. Our feelings are at their highest. Kumalma muna tayo. Kalma ka lang. We'll talk again when both our feelings are settled-"

"No!" I wiped my tears. "Bakit kailangan pang magpahinga? Anong settle-settle? Ano pa bang hinihintay natin? Pasko? Acel, buntis ako, 'Yun na 'yun. Alam kong hindi mo tanggap dahil ako rin! Anong break yang sinasabi mo?! You know what?"

I hope he got the hint of what I'm going to do.

"Rehl," he warned.

''We're not in the same chapter after all. Another way to say it is that we're not on the same book.'' Tinanggal ko yung hawak niya sa kamay ko. 

I turned my back on him and I walked away.

"Rehl!" he shouts. "Alexandra!"

Akala ko Acel was the kind of guy who would brace up all your imperfections and support you on every option you go for.

But sometimes things seem righteous and fine in a minute, but when you get more time for reflection, the righteous can morph into something else.

Fuck! Nagpa-uto ako! Nabuntis pa nga!

It is what it is. A well-neglected circumstance, with no wicked people to blame. We are all just a bunch of depressed people doing what we must do to survive until tomorrow.

Kasalanan naming dalawa 'to. Hinila ko kung buhok ko nang marealize na ang tanga... ang tanga-tanga ko. 

''Ma?'' 

Binitawan ko ang mga kubyertos na dala ko. Nawalan na ako ng ganang kumain simula 'nong nag-usap kami ni Acel. 

Tumingin si Mama sakin at ngumiti. 

Fuck. Alam ko, she doesn't deserve this pero anong choice ko? Ayoko namang itago sakanya 'to habang uhay. I feel so guilty. 

Lord, forgive me. And I hope Mama will forgive me too...

''Ma'' My voice broke... and my tears were starting to form up, and I knew she felt something was off,  and chose to ask why.

''Anong nangyari, Rehl?'' Medyo nag-alala niyang tanong.

Yumakap ako sa kanya at doon na nagsitakbuhan ang mga luha ko sa pag tulo. Walang nagawa si Mama kundi ang yakapin ako pabalik.

''What happened, Rehl?" Tanong niya ulit gamit ang isang mahinhin na boses.

''Ma,'' Sabi ko sa nanginginig na boses. ''Ma, I-I'm sorry.''

My mom froze. She had no clue what was happening.

''Ma'' I sobbed. ''Buntis ako...''

Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti. May pagkabigo, lungkot, at awa sa kanyang mga mata. My Mom turned pale. I don't know what was on her mind at this point, but I am very sure that she is beyond disappointed in me right now.

Tumulo ang luha ni mama at dahil doon ay mas lalo tuloy'ng tumulo ang luha ko.

''Ano?! '' Pagalit na sabi ni mama.

''Ipapalaglag ko 'to, Ma!'' 

''Nawawalan ka na ba ng utak Alexandra?!'' My mom sobbed.

''Ma, I swear, after this, I won't do anything stupid ever again,'' I begged her. Lumuhod ako sa harap niya! Just so she won't disown me!

"Alexandra... I don't know what to do with you..." She was sobbing hard and couldn't look at me.

"Ma," hindi man lang ako makapagsalita ng maayos dahil sa pag-iyak ko. "I'm sorry, Ma..."

I promise, after this, magbabago na ako...

I don't want to be like everyone else who will give up the dream just to give their child a better future. Nagsikap ako para lang matupad ang pangarap ko, ayokong basta basta nalang isusuko ito ng ganon kadali.

Hi! Please don't forget to vote! Thank you!:)

(Ps: I don't normalize being pregnant without any proper family planning po. This all part of my imagination and do not connect in real life.) Have a good day:)