Growing pains ( Sequel to Life changes )

☆20☆

☆Beca's point of view☆

It's been three weeks since I had the miscarriage and all I have been doing is work. I don't care about anything else at the moment. I've been avoiding Chloe and spending minimal time with Ryan. I greet him when he says hi but nothing more. I wake up and leave the house before Chloe wakes up and then sometimes I would go home but recently I've been sleeping at the studio in my office. The only one I talk to is Emma, but only because she has been coming over to check on me and making sure I am okay. I've been busy, working on three albums at the same time. Sutton is happy about the amount of time I'm spending here. She doesn't know what happened, so it's only work related. This morning I ordered breakfast, so I could stay inside the studio. I miss Chloe so much but I just can't face her after what happened. It was my fault, I've been working too much and that caused the miscarriage. Emma might say that's not true, but deep down I know it is.

I'm running through the company, trying to get everything ready. It's weird that nothing works today and I'm getting mad. I close my laptop frustrated, because the mashup is not working the way I want to. I open the door to my office and walk over to the coffee machine. Maybe a hot cup of coffee will help?

,,Good morning, Beca." Sutton appears and takes a cup of coffee herself.

,,There's nothing good about today or tomorrow!" I react with a sneer. I'm not in the mood for good mornings. ,,Just let me do my job, okay?!" I yell and then turn around to go back to my office.

,,I'm going to warn you, Beca." Sutton says. ,,I don't tolerate your attitude right now and I'm still your boss. So, if you want to keep your job, change your tone."

,,I will do what I have to do and you focus on your own problems, okay?" I don't wait for a reaction and walk to my office, knowing she's watching me. I turn around in the opening of the door and face Sutton. ,,Send Emily in. I need her help." Sutton raises her eyebrows at me. ,,Or don't, I don't care." And then I close my door with a bang. Immediately I walk to the liquor cabinet in the corner of my office and grab one of the many bottles that is in there. Chloe doesn't know I drink but it helps me forget. I pour a glass full and chug it down, before I pour in another glass. Life will never be the same! I sit down behind my desk and start to work on the mashup from Ava Max and Marina. I decided to use "So am I" and "Primadonna", those songs just fit. After one minute and fifteen seconds, I mix them together and I have to say it's great. I drink the glass and pour another one, and another one until the bottle is empty. Frustrated, I throw the empty bottle against the wall, liking the sound of it breaking. A knock interrupts my thoughts as I look up from my mashup. Emily walks in and looks at me with worried eyes. ,,Finally, where the hell were you?!" I ask her.

,,Beca, I heard what happened. I'm so sorry."

,,I don't want your pity. I'm here to work."

,,But Beca, you can't throw yourself into work." I stand up now, a little wobbly because I just drank a whole bottle of whiskey.

,,I can do what I want. I killed my baby and now I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk, or relive memories or whatever. I need to finish this mashup that I have for Ava. So if you only came in here for your pity party, you can go again." I don't say anything else and grab another bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet. I pour in two glasses and hold up one. ,,You want a glass too?" I ask Emily and see her shake her head. ,,Well, more for me then." And I chug them down.

,,Seriously?" She says. ,,You shouldn't even be here." I look at her now. ,,You're not even able to -" I see her looking through my office that has a lot of paper lying around on the floor and on my desk.

,,If you think it's a mess, you should clean it." I say.

,,That's not the point. Life goes on with you."

,,Nothing ever becomes normal again. I just go to work with a huge sense of guilt. No one notices."

,,Isn't it a bit early to work again? I mean, physically."

,,The doctor said that I should do what makes me happy and that's this."

,,And what about Chloe? She has been going through this too and you're shutting her out. Don't you think that's unfair?" I snicker.

,,Unfair? You want to talk about unfair?" I walk over to her. ,,Okay, let's talk about that. Can you tell me why I have to go through this? Can you tell why I had to lose her? I finally had everything I wanted and now it's all gone. So, don't tell me this is unfair because you have no idea how it feels, okay?!"

,,But Beca, it isn't all gone. You still have Chloe and you still have Ryan."

,,No, I don't!" I throw my glass against the wall, out of frustration. ,,Ryan probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because I killed his little sister. And Chloe," I stop for a moment, running my hands through my hair. ,,Chloe hates my guts. She will never forgive me for this and why should she? I overworked myself and killed the one thing she wanted from me! I don't blame her if she leaves me."

,,Don't you see you're hurting her by avoiding her?"

,,Don't you think I know that?! I just can't face her. Em, I killed Grace and I let Chloe down. Distancing myself from her is the only way to protect both of us." I turn my back to her. ,,And now if you want to excuse me, I have work to do." Hoping she will get the message and leave, I pour in a new glass of whiskey. Luckily she gets it and not long after I hear the door close. I take a deep sigh, take a few sips from the whiskey and walk into the recording studio.