My little Judith

Twelve

Alec POV

When we got home, Judith went straight up to her bedroom. With a sigh, I sat down to wait for Damien and Harriette to get home. It's 9:00pm so it shouldn't be long.

Like I thought, half an hour later the happy couple walked in, but their faces fell when they saw me sitting on the sofa. My hands clasped together with my elbows on my knees as I leaned forward, my hands resting on my mouth.

"We need to talk." I told them. Both nodded and sat across from me, concern written on their faces.

"What do you need to talk about?" Damien frowned.

"I need to leave." I muttered. "Uhm, tomorrow I plan to leave for a while. I, I had some thoughts I'm not proud of and I didn't think it would happen this early on."

"What do you mean?" Harriette looked at me in shock.

"I almost kissed Judith today." I whispered. "I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to touch her the way Damien touches you. I scared her, she was so silent throughout dinner. When I apologised she stayed silent, she didn't say anything. She didn't have to say anything for me to know I scared her. And that makes me feel like utter shit because I want to make her feel go-, no not like that I didn't mean it like that. I just want Judith to be herself with me, to be happy and content and she can't do that if she's scared and uncomfortable being around me. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't want to have these thoughts but I don't think I can help it now that she's getting closer to eighteen."

"Alec you don't have to leave. We'll make sure one or both of us are around the two of you at all times. If you leave Judith won't have her best friend with her. She'll be broken." Harriette stated.

"I want her to remember me like that. Her best friend. I don't want to be the man that couldn't control himself. I'd rather die than her think I'm anything other than her best friend. I love her so fucking much, but I refuse to be anything but her best friend and mate. I have to leave. I know where I can stay, I'll come back to visit but it won't be often. I don't want to risk anything. And I'll be back for her eighteenth birthday so she can decide if she wants to be with me or reject me."

"If that's what you want to do then we'll help you. Give you some money for a place to live, enough for you to get by until you get a job." Damien said.

"I can't ask you to do that. All I ask is that my little one is safe, happy and content until I can be that for her." I replied.

"Alec really you don't have to leave. We trust you, we trust Judith to get you out of that headspace if it ever came to it." Harriette spoke up, tears falling down her cheeks. She's not crying for her, she's crying for her daughter because she knows how much it'll affect Judith if I'm not in a close proximity.

"I trust her to. But I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself."

"We'll help her through the separation. Do you have anyone to help you?" Damien asked.

No. "Yeah. I know some people, they're letting me stay with them until I'm stable enough to be on my own and get a job." I told him.

"Okay." He nodded and looked down. Worry on his face for his daughter, his mate and for me. But he doesn't need to worry about me at all, I'll be okay. All he needs to worry about it Judith.

"We'll give you money. Don't refuse it, it'll help. If there's anything else we can do then don't hesitate to ask." Damien added.

"You don't have to, but thank you." I gave him a grateful smile. "I should go pack." I stood up and walked up to my bedroom. I heard music coming from Judith's room, it was faint letting me know she has headphones in so she didn't hear the conversation me and her parents just had.

As soon as I got to my bedroom, I grabbed a suitcase and duffel bag to pack my stuff in. I used my suitcase for my art supplies and a few clothes and some sentimental stuff. Once I was packed, I showered and put on some comfortable clothes to sleep in but also so I could head straight out after I've said goodbye.

A pain in my chest stung, the thought of leaving Judith hurts so fucking much, but I'd rather feel this pain than the pain of seeing fear in my mates eyes because of something I've done. I know if I did start something with Judith and she wasn't comfortable with it, I know that she'd be able to get through to me to stop me so I could apologise for taking things too far. But I don't want to start anything. I want it to be on her terms, for her to dictate what I can and can't do to her.

She's fourteen for fuck sake, even just thinking about this is making me sick. I'm ashamed of myself, disgusted that I feel like I don't deserve to be on this earth, I don't deserve that amazing girl I have the privilege of calling my mate. She can decide on her own when she's eighteen, she gets to dictate what happens with us. Only then, and only then will I feel comfortable having these thoughts, when she initiates the first kiss and every kiss from then on.

She will dictate if we mate or not, if we use protection or if we want to have children right away. Judith will dictate if she even wants to have a first kiss with me, she will dictate if we have children or not. She gets to dictate if she wants to be my mate or not because I don't want her to feel like she owes anything to me. If anything I owe so much to her. She deserves a better mate, a better man to be by her side.

I feel like I can't give her any of that because I can't be there for her right now. I'm running away like a coward, like a little boy because I'm not a man, this isn't what a man would do. A man would suck it up, he would do what it took to make Judith happy, to make sure she's got everything she needs, the one person she's relied on for fourteen years, who hasn't gone a day without seeing each other.

I don't deserve her, and she deserves so much better than what she's been given. Judith doesn't deserve to feel the hurt and betrayal she'll feel when I leave. I'm just glad that she has the parents she has. Amazing people that will help her get past the heartache and pain. She won't understand why she's feeling like that, but I will and that hurts so much more.

With a sigh, I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. But as I thought, it didn't come easily to me.