My little Judith

Fifty-nine

Judith POV

Two months, five days, ten hours, eight minutes and 36 seconds since I last saw Alec.

It feels like I'm counting the days til I see him again. Just like I did waiting for my eighteenth birthday. It was so good then. We laughed, we smiled, we laid in bed and cuddled and nothing could come between us. I miss that. Even at the start living in the pack, it was amazing. It seems like even in death Mandy still has a way of making peoples lives miserable.

The only light in my life right now seems to be my siblings. My poor mother waddles like no other, she is swollen all over, however I haven't once heard her complain. Even the aches and pains make her smile. I guess when you've yearned for something for many years you take what you can get with a smile, no matter how bad or good.

The twins are really close to coming. I'm excited yet nervous. I know Alec will be here. Even with all that's happened mum still wants Alec to deliver them. She trusts no one else and who I am to deny her that. Someone else will just make her freak out and in the time of delivery I know it's all about the mother and her comforts, not anyone else's.

I know he's close. I can feel him. Alec. Even when they deny it I know he's been staying with uncle Dustin and Ryker. Every time I ask they deny it, but I know his scent and for a month now it's been all over them. I can feel him close, my body burns for him. I can forgive him, of course I can. It's the forgetting that's hard for me. How do I know he'll never walk out again.

I want us to have our arguments, but I also want us to figure it out together with no one leaving. He can walk away, whatever. I know he's close and I can feel him there, I can feel that he still loves me no matter what. Even if he walks away and goes to another room. But when he leaves the house, all these things fill my head. All I can feel is anger and sadness. Like I said to my mum, I don't want to feel the negative, all I want is the positive.

I know we can't always have what we want, but at the same time we can decide if we keep it. Those people giving the negativity you can decide to keep them around or push them away. In this instance I pushed away both my positive and negative. As much as Alec angered and upset me when he would leave, he still made it up to me, he still made me happy. The good outweighs the bad. But every argument he leaves the house and I have no idea if he'll be back or if one day he ends up in the hospital like I did.

"What's got them cogs turning?" My mum smiled a little. "I can practically hear them from a mile away." I chuckled at her words. Always using human phrases like that, because she can in fact hear things from a mile away.

"Just thinking. How it used to be, before we left for the pack." I gave her a sad smile. "I want that back. This place, we could be ourselves. There if feels like we were two completely different people. Here there was no one in our way, no one against us. But there," I sighed. "There had Mandy and she was a ray of sunshine. Here, I had all I needed. There, I genuinely thought I'd lose him to her. There was a time I actually thought he would choose her over me."

"That would never-, oh." My mums hand went to her bump as she winced.

"You okay?" I frowned.

"I'm okay. Braxton hicks. Maybe contractions, I don't know." She replied.

"What does that mean?"

"Not much. Braxton hicks are basically just practice contractions, and if it's contractions then it won't be long until the babies are here." She explained in a strained voice from the pain. "It's honestly not that bad. You literally forget it a few minutes after it happens, until it happens again. That's the beauty of it."

"It seems it." I laughed. "Let's go for a walk? Maybe it might bring my siblings closer to being born."

"Probably, let's go." She smiled. I helped her with her shoes before putting mine on and we went for a walk around our little territory.

"Have you not even thought about contacting him. It's no secret you obviously know where he is." My mum said.

"Yes and no. I want to, but I'm scared. What if it turns out like it was. Every argument he leaves me in an unknown place where anything can happen and he's not there. The house is beautiful and I really imagined us having a family there. A place where are kids don't grow up in solitude, they can play with kids their ages. They can have sleepovers and I know they're safe like they are with me. But I also don't want my kids growing up with their dad walking out after every disagreement and they don't see him for hours on end. I don't want that."

"Have you told him that?" She asked.

"I've tried. And I don't see why it should take more than once for me to tell him how I feel. We're literally connected, I know when he needs me without even him having to open his mouth. He's the same, but when it comes to us having a disagreement it's like he shuts me out. Have you and dad ever been like that?"

"A few times over the years, yes. But then again your father never killed someone because they were talking shit about me. Alec has been through a lot in his life, shit that shouldn't happen to anyone. He's probably just trying to cool off so something isn't said out of line. He loves you more than anything and walking out is his coping mechanism. It always has been. I know it's not nice, but when that's what's helped you all your life, it's hard to change habits."

"Yeah." I whispered. We stayed silent for a few minutes. Me taking it all in that that's what Alec has always done. He's never walked out on me before we went to the pack. I guess it's all new to me and I need to find a way to cope like he does. I hold a lot of resentment when he leaves the house, but now that I know it's his way of coping, I'll be able to process it better, find a way to cope as well.

"Judith?" My mum said.

"Yeah." I mumbled not realising my mother had stopped in her tracks while I kept walking.

"Mind link your father would you. He's gonna need to get everyone ready." She stated.

"What do you-," I looked at her. "Oh wow. It's time?"

"It's time." Mum nodded. Her light blue maternity jeans now darkened from her waters breaking.

Double update because you all deserve it. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think in the comments.