Teenage Fever // Jude Bellingham

19

The ride to his apartment was quiet, apart from his playlist playing in the background - which I noticed had a few of my favorite songs that i had showed him added.

He seemed nervous the whole time, his left thumb stemmed against his cheek with the rest of his fingers shielding his mouth as an attempt to hide it.

We were both out of character. We were never this quiet when we were together. I didn't know how to address the elephant in the room though, not even when we returned back to where it had started two days ago.

"I'm sorry for ghosting you," I started hesitantly, "I just needed some time for myself, to...think."

The way that this sounded like a sentence to indicate a breakup following just showed how fucking clueless and unprepared I was for this conversation.

"No, I get that." He nodded understandingly, sitting down next to me but keeping a small distance. I didn't know why, but it hurt. It was so insignificant and maybe not even intended, but I was just a little vulnerable right now.

"I was just worried. I thought you wanted to cut me off for good." He went on, seeming just as vulnerable as me in this moment.

"No, I never wanted to do that. I was just scared." I toyed with the string of my sweatpants, not daring to look at him.

"Scared of what? That I'd judge you for what you told me? Or that I'd cut you off?" He inquired, sounding genuinely confused.

"No, you wouldn't," I shook my head, carefully thinking of how to form my next sentence, "I was scared that you'd look at me differently, treat me differently, you know?"

"Why would I do that?"

"You're doing it right now." I pointed at the space between us.

He opened his mouth to reply something, but closed it again instead as he looked down between us.

"You're right," he sighed, "but I think it's only fair that I act like this after hearing how he treated you. I don't know what your boundaries are anymore, and to be honest I'm unsure of how to act around you, when you've been avoiding me."

"So you're uncomfortable around me?" I asked, a little taken aback by his statement. It left me feeling a bit - insecure? But still, what he was feeling was completely valid too. He just didn't want to risk making me uncomfortable.

"Tia, no, i'm not. The question is, if you are." He tilted his head slightly sideways, eyeing me carefully as he awaited my answer.

"You were never the cause of a bad feeling, Jude." I replied honestly, my eyes flickering between his.

His eyes softened, mustering my saddened features before his hands reached out for mine to tug me into his chest.

Inhaling his scent and feeling his fingers draw circles on my back again finally let the butterflies that had died down for the past two days return.

"Do you want to talk about Friday?" He asked, voice muffled by his head being dug into my neck.

I shook my head, and that was enough for the both of us. I didn't want to bring it up again, at least not now. Him knowing was all I had wanted. Because I knew it was safe with him.

I woke up from the sun rays beaming onto my face, making me unconsciously stir until I collided with another body. I quickly forced my eyes open, being met with Jude still sleeping next to me.

My still half asleep self then finally remembered that he had insisted on me staying overnight. And I did, partly because I had been really tired anyways and partly because I had liked the idea of being so close to him again.