Deep Desire | Andy Biersack |

CH 9

I was standing in the kitchen staring down at the cup of coffee that I had in my hands. Andy was outside taking a smoke, I believe it had been about three days since the whole scenario happened back at the restaurant. We both acted like nothing had happened and we went on with having the best time of our lives. Even thought he acted to push the thought to the side, I knew that deep inside of him he was hurting. I couldn't help but feel so guilty, knowing that I was the cause of his pain made me want to bury myself in a hole somewhere and never come out.

Every time I would stare at Andy, it made me realize how much he was truly trying to make this work. He would go all out of his league to please me and maintain me happy no matter the cost. On the other side, I was unable to return the favor, I would do very small things for him but never to the point like he did. I had a hard time adjusting to this.

This made me think about those times where I tried to find love so desperately in my teenage years, and I never found it. Guys would come and talk to me for hours, take me out on a ride... a ride, not even taking me out to eat, not even a freaking carnival was I ever invited to. Everybody's goal was the same and I was getting tired of it.

I was different from the rest of the girls in my middle school, most of them were flat chest and they didn't have a bottom either. Unlike me at the age of 10 I had both things popping out of me, every body made fun of me and it made me feel insecure about myself. But that changed when I got to high school, for some reason I thought I would fall in love by then and have my happy ending. Boy was I wrong.

Every guy seem to like what I carried around with me, every body wanted to have something with me. I thought it was cute because boys would fight over me, I mean what kind of girl wouldn't like that sort of attention?

On my junior year I met someone who I thought would forever be my knight prince. Cameron had swept me off my feet and treated me like a queen. It was the smallest thing that made me fall in love with him, he took the time to give me at least a single rose in school making every girl that was there jealous of us. He gave me balloons out of nowhere, and my heart was falling for him so fast and so hard. On Saturday's, he'd take me out to eat breakfast and take me shopping even if I didn't need anything he would make sure I didn't leave empty handed.

Because of his actions I was too blind to see what he was truly doing. I should of known he was only toying around with me, he was a senior, it was weird to date someone that was a grade down from you. Especially seniors boys, they would try anything to get to you whether you are a freshman, sophomore or junior.

The day I found out the truth I was making my way to my next class. As I was going down the stairs I heard the sounds of moans coming from the basement. I scrunched my nose in disgust and being the nosy little girl I was I checked it out to see who had the guts to have sex inside the school.

"Don't you feel guilty? You're dating Lyra yet here you are having sex with me" the voice that I recognized too well said. It was my best friend at that time.

"No everyone knows I'm only with her to get in her pants, but she's too into me that she hasn't noticed it. She's too stupid" they both laughed and I felt my heart break into a million pieces. My best friend and Cameron were seeing each other behind my back. They were talking behind my back.

As tears ran down my face I ran out of the school, I pulled my phone out and texted Shawn. He was always down to do anything with me even if that meant cutting school for the whole day or simply running away with me.

We both sat down on my parents couch, Shawn was rubbing his hand on my back trying to calm me down and telling me that he wasn't the only fish in the sea. Although it didn't feel like that to me, it felt like I was trapped in a fish bowl by myself I couldn't swim any further, I was only swimming in circles going through the same shit all the time.

It was then that I decided to give up on everything. I wasn't going to let any man use me for his needs, instead I was going to. I guess I wanted them to feel what I felt even though half of them didn't have any fault of what had happened to me in high school.

After finding out Cameron's reasons for being with me, I had given myself to Shawn and he gave himself to me. I was tired of it all and I didn't care who I gave my virginity to any longer.

A year passed by, I was sixteen almost seventeen when I met Ana. She was twenty one and she had found out about what happened to me and she introduced me to the lifestyle she knew. At first it sounded crazy to me but then the next thing I knew, I was doing the same thing as her and I didn't regret it. Many of them showed little affection to me, and others did. Once they confessed their feelings to me I would get paranoid and leave them instantly. I was too scared to love again and I blame Cameron for it.

Even though I was still in my teens I knew how to work it out, and my looks thankfully didn't gave me away as a minor.

My thoughts were cut off by the sound of the balcony door slamming shut. Andy came in and sat down on one of the chairs in the small living room. Even though we were from a distance I was able to smell the nicotine coming from him. I always hated the smell of it but for some reason I loved it when it came from him. He grabbed a random book that laid on the small table in front of him and flipped through the pages not bothering to read it.

He had told me he used to have long hair and I honestly couldn't imagine him with it. It might of been because I've only seen him with short hair. He also loved to listen to rock, I was never a fan of their music I was more of hip hop listener.

He lifted his gaze up catching me staring at him already. He smiled and came over to me, his tall frame covered my small one perfectly, his hands were big compared to mine but I loved the feeling of his hands intertwined with mine, his arms were skinny and long but they made me feel safe whenever he wrapped me up in them. Whenever he stared at me with his gorgeous icy blue eyes I would melt under him, he stared at me with so much passion and love it hurt to think that I made those eyes upset over my childish behavior. His lips fit perfectly on mine, they let out the sweetest little words that made my heart flutter and made my stomach get butterflies.

"Why are you staring at me so much?" He asked, I was deep into my admiration of him I hadn't notice that I was staring at him like a creep would.

Then it hit me like a brick would to the wall, I have been falling in love with him but I just hadn't noticed because I was too scared and too focused on the lifestyle I knew about. All of that didn't matter anymore because I knew that Andy was different from the rest. He had shown me his interest in me, he had shown me how much he truly wants to be with me for me.

"I just realized how much I've fallen in love with you" at my words Andy's smile grew bigger. His smile was so breathtaking, it showed his perfectly straight white teethes.

"Do you mean that?" He was in disbelief, I would of thought that age difference was going to be a problem but it wasn't. The only thing that needed to work was you and your partner.

"Of course I do, I was too blind to see that but I finally came to my senses, and now all I want to do is be with you for the rest of my life" I wrapped my arms around his neck, his body had to lean down in order to be able to touch our foreheads together.

"So you don't mind the age difference?" I shook my head.

"What matters is the love that we have for each other" I muttered as I laid my head on his chest. He was making me as happy as he could and I will forever be thankful for that, because if it wasn't for him I probably would of still be doing what I knew to do.

I am glad I walked over to him at Starbucks pretending not to know the code to the bathroom.

The rest of our day consisted of us going to the beach and throw water at each other, I pretended to get annoyed by the fact that I had just straighten my hair. We went out at night and had a beautiful dinner where it was just us on the beach again. The sound of the waves crashing on itself and the moon being the only thing lightening on us made it even more surreal.

I had finally found someone that loves me and I love him back.

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It's not the end