The Winners Take It All | Chishiya [English]

In the depths of my soul

The game begins!

First word for Hayashi Ayuna.

Nana looked at me and smiled. "Ayu, what do you associate with 'loneliness'?"

Loneliness?

I knew what loneliness was. I knew the feeling; I had had to experience it for so many days...

"Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling," I began, "You long for something that isn't there. It's an empty cold that spreads throughout your body. Maybe it's just your imagination, maybe human beings were made to be alone. Everyone emerges from loneliness... And yet you are not happy, if you experience it firsthand. It's like glue that has stuck in the carpet. Tough, maybe a little sticky. No matter what you do, the stain just won't go away. Not without outside influence."

Nana nodded. She looked content while a sour feeling settled in my throat.

Funny how the feelings suddenly came back.

I thought I'd forgotten what it felt like, but apparently, I was wrong again.

The Queen of Diamonds acknowledges this declaration.

I looked at my grandmother. She didn't seem to mind at all that she had just lost a point. She seemed so fearless again...

First word for Hayashi Ayumi.

"Yumi, what do associate with 'jealousy'?"

It remained silent. And then... there was a loud beeping sound. The five seconds were up.

Ayumi still didn't move, although her face had contorted into a strange grimace. She seemed to be struggling with herself.

"Well, time may be up, but do you still want to give me an answer?" Nana smiled, trying to coax an answer out of her anyway.

So, I was right, she had another plan.

"Jealousy is-" Ayumi threw her head back, "An unpleasant feeling. You feel worthless because you are compared to others. You try to draw their attention back to your good attributes- and yet they don't seem to notice. They just point the finger. Soon you start putting all the blame on someone else because otherwise you can't take it anymore. Jealousy is sparked when strangers have a hand in it."

I opened my eyes in surprise. Did Ayumi really just say that? I didn't know her like that...

Suddenly a feeling that I didn't know spread through me.

It was... I dunno.

"Thank you for your explanation. Unfortunately, I can't give you any points," Grandmother looked at her kindly.

Second word for Hayashi Ayuna.

"Well. What do you associate with 'hope'?" she asked me again and my body froze. It was... an emotion I could hardly put into words.

The beeping sounded; I had been too slow. Nana looked me in the eyes. "I'm also giving you the chance to say the words that are in your head right now," she said.

Goosebumps spread across my entire body.

"Hope is one of the worst feelings you can have. It can destroy so much... and open a deep hole that you just can't get out of. The longer you hope, the worse it gets."

I swallowed.

"Yes, hope can give you strength, but it can also destroy you. The hope for improvement, for affection... You can't hope for other people's feelings, it just doesn't add up. You're wasting your time."

I felt Ayumi's burning gaze on me. Then she spoke: "Are you allowed to ask questions during the game or is it forbidden?" Nana nodded happily, she seemed to have expected such a reaction.

"What's bothering you, Yumi?" she asked as she leaned back.

"What does Ayuna know that I don't know?" her question was like a bomb threatening to explode in this garden. Grandmother smiled again.

"Well, what do you think you don't know?" she asked in return, and we were silent. It was clear that neither of us had a clue.

I didn't even know what exactly she was talking about. Did she know less than me? What did she mean?

Second word for Hayashi Ayumi.

"Yumi. What do you associate with 'disappointment'?"

She didn't think twice.

"It's a negative feeling. Let's take a child as an example. It would have gone on a trip with its parents, but the weather changed, so they had to stay at home. You feel it deep in your soul, sometimes you don't want to. It feels unreal and can drag on. And most of the time you're mad - mad at yourself. That's the emotion you can feel the most."

That wasn't Ayumi. I didn't know her like that. She would never have talked about emotions like that! I only knew her as a selfish, deceitful person...

But like that... She spoke like as if she had already experienced it herself.

And now questions were burning on my tongue.

Not just questions, but also accusations that I wanted to throw at her.

But my throat was so dry that I just couldn't do it.

Maybe it was just fear.

I was afraid of what exactly she would tell me.

What would her answer be, what had she experienced that I had never noticed?

The Queen of Diamonds acknowledges this declaration.

"Ayuna? What's going on with you right now, what do you want to say?" Nana broke me out of my chain of thoughts again and I looked at her with glassy eyes.

I had no idea how to start, there were so many questions on my mind...

"Was it jealousy that drove you? Pure jealousy? Is that why you killed Sakusa?" I heard myself say and Ayumi froze in her movements. Nana didn't interfere.

I was grateful for that.

When was the last time we really talked to each other? I had no idea.

Ayumi sat up a little straighter.

"Yes."

That was all she said.

On the one hand, I didn't want to be satisfied with this answer, but on the other hand, I felt that it wouldn't help if I drilled now. I would probably explode with anger if I opened my mouth anyway.

Nana was watching us. She seemed to want to wait and see what would happen.

"Ayuna... Why did you try to destroy our family? Why didn't you follow the rules and did what they said?" Ayumi's voice cut through the air like a sword, knocking the air out of my lungs.

This question even made me forget my anger.

I looked into her eyes.

There it was again, ice blue against poison green. Her eyes were beautiful, they showed strength but also... weakness?

Was that it?

Why did it feel like she was portraying herself as a victim? Why did she reverse the roles? Was she not even aware of how much I had suffered?

"You have the wrong picture, Ayumi," I murmured, "I didn't destroy the family - it wasn't me! It was - not me, maybe not you either... It was our parents themselves who sought ruin."

She should know. I might feel the hatred deep inside, but it wouldn't be fair to withhold information from her.

It was time for the truth.