The Winners Take It All | Chishiya [English]

Your own shadow is a lousy traitor

I couldn't forget the encounter all day long.

Chishiya.

The name sounded familiar - it caused an ache in my heart that I couldn't describe.

"Hayashi-san?", my professor apparently spoke to me for the second time.

Oops, my thoughts distracted me... I finally had to focus on reality again!

"Sorry, Denjira-san. I'm still not quite back to normal," I lied while putting on a big smile. The older man laughed quietly.

"It makes complete sense. Not everyone can survive such a hopeless situation. You really were very lucky. Not many students who were also affected were as lucky as you," I looked at him.

Was he really talking about other students being affected? Well, it shouldn't surprise me too much since almost all of Tokyo had been affected by this disaster, but still... it almost felt unreal.

"But I'm assuming that's not why you came to me, is it?" he finally asked me, and I focused my gaze on him.

"Exactly," I gave him a document that I had already prepared in the hospital, "I would like to change my major. Lately I've realized that criminal psychology isn't really for me. I'd much rather deal with medical psychology." He leaned back a little and scrutinized me.

"What makes you think like that, Hayashi-san?" he asked me, and it was like he was stabbing me in the heart.

Yes... Why was it like that? What made me-

My bare feet stepped onto the bridge. The breeze gave me goosebumps. Apart from the white summer dress that I had prepared, I had nothing on.

Was that why they only provided me with clothes? To make my death a little sweeter?

It was like in the movie where the young woman threw herself to her death wearing a simple white dress. It looked so beautiful when they did it. And now... now I would do it too. I would throw myself off the bridge, then fly for a moment and faint from the impact. I would drown without knowing it.

W-What was that?

Why did such an image suddenly appear in front of my eyes? I- I had never experienced that... But why was it so clear? Why did it feel like I had been in this exact situation before?

It sent goosebumps down my spine.

The meaning of life, its reprehensibility.

They were words that suddenly replaced this terrible image.

For every person there was a meaning to live life. It varied from person to person. That's precisely why it was important to understand how someone else felt about life. Everyone deserved to live a life. And I wanted to help.

I wanted to help those who might have lost their purpose.

It was a longing within me that made me decide this way. I suddenly knew how to answer my professor.

"Life is precious. Some forget it, others consciously decide to ignore it. I want to understand, help, and recognize - I don't want to leave others alone with their problems, my help should pull them out of the deep hole they are in... I want to be a haven in hell," I heard myself saying.

Denjira looked at me, he pushed his glasses a little tighter on his nose.

"Well. There's nothing against it in my opinion. You've always been a diligent student, so you'll be able to adapt quickly. Of course, I must ask how my colleagues feel about this change. Since you have so many missed many lectures and smaller exams, it may as well happen that replacement work will be required. If you change, this is a big challenge," he cleared his throat, "Are you still prepared to overcome these hurdles?"

Yes, I was. I finally wanted to do what I thought was right.

"I'm willing to go that route, yes," I replied, and he smiled. Then we shook hands.

"I'm pleased. I like your way of thinking, I'm excited," he nodded at me appreciatively.

I thought differently - I suddenly saw the world with different eyes.

It was crazy.

It was as if I had jumped over my own shadow, as if I had discovered a new me.

But what else did you say? The shadow could also be a lousy traitor. It came back without anyone noticing.

What I meant by that was that it could just be a phase, even if I wasn't so sure about that.

"We will contact you, Hayashi-san," Denjira-san informed me and I nodded gratefully before standing up from my seat and bowing. Then I could finally leave the office behind me.

Now all I had was the problem with the apartment.

There was money, I had received compensation from the government and a large part of my grandmother's inheritance was also there. Unfortunately, a good quarter of Tokyo was blown away by the meteoroid, which meant that living space also became scarce.

I wouldn't be able to stay with my parents for much longer. They were suddenly different, they treated me the way I had always wanted.

Yet... surprisingly, I wish it was different. I didn't want the stupid affection.

They were my life givers; they meant nothing more to me. I wanted to have as little to do with them as possible. The fact that we were now living together in a house again didn't really fit into my plans.

So: search, search, and search.

My phone vibrated again. I looked at it, only to put it back in my pocket. Speaking of the devil, my mother tried to call me. Who knows what she wanted again. She should not be surprised that I wasn't answering - I wasn't interested in her nonsense.

They should leave me alone.

Why didn't they mourn? Did they not care that their beloved daughter had died?

Even the funeral was only held in a small circle; I couldn't be there because the date overlapped with my surgery.

I glanced at my wrist where my watch was.

I hadn't had any other plans, right?

I didn't really want to go home yet.

This meant I still had plenty of time to fill.

I left the huge building and headed in a very specific direction.

It wouldn't hurt if I paid them a visit, right?