The Winners Take It All | Chishiya [English]

Time of truth

Ayumi looked at me with a slightly suspicious expression.

She didn't believe me, which was understandable. She had never really gotten out of my parents' filter.

"What do you mean?" she wanted to know, and I took a deep breath. It would hurt to let the memory flash again now.

It would drag me into a deep hole again - wouldn't it? Would I have to endure sleepless nights again because I pulled the cork to the chamber again?

Would I weaken myself if I let what I repressed flare up again?

"Solos no Sanctus," I began despite my uncertainty, "Does that name sound familiar?" She shook her head; I sensed her discomfort. "It was a cult. A group that had taken in mother and father before we were born. They were deeply involved in the faith; they considered children a gift from God. Twins, however... While the soul of the first child was apparently supposed to be pure, the soul of the second child was that of the devil himself," my voice suddenly trembled. Suddenly I felt so helpless again.

Ayumi was silent. She seemed to be processing the information.

"Well, let's use the break to play some more, shall we?" Grandmother interrupted the tense mood.

Third word for Hayashi Ayuna.

"What is the meaning of the word 'restless'?", her voice was so soothing...

"Restless... you feel weak, you can't find relief in your everyday life. There's always something going on, you can't relax, you're always on guard. Restlessness can be caused by various factors, but mostly it's caused by another person. It feels like you're in danger as soon as you close your eyes. It's a trap in a situation from which you won't be able to get out for a long time..."

I saw Ayumi fidget a little next to me. She seemed to feel even more uncomfortable now.

The Queen of Diamonds acknowledges this declaration.

"Very nice, Ayuna," Nana turned to Ayumi.

Third word for Hayashi Ayumi.

"Tell me, Yumi. What is 'fear' to you?"

I saw a strange glint in her eyes, but it disappeared just as quickly.

"Fear is an instinct, but also a feeling. You try to escape it and yet it finds its way back to you again and again - it can be triggered by all kinds of things. But the worst is the fear caused by others... a fear that is triggered by feelings is difficult to bear, you have no choice but to face it. But taking this step is a challenge that you can't just take."

The Queen of Diamonds acknowledges this declaration.

Ayumi turned back to me. "Somehow I just have the feeling that we've always been talking past each other," she murmured. "We've both experienced these feelings that we had to describe before, haven't we?"

She was right, it was like Nana was reading our souls.

"Why were you restless?" my sister took the initiative. I swallowed.

"Because of you," I replied, and we were silent for a moment.

"Oh," that was the only answer I got.

"And you? Why were you afraid?" I asked in return.

"I was afraid that I would lose in the end..." she ran her hand through her face, "I mean - of course I noticed how you were treated. To be honest, I didn't really care.... but that changed when I was suddenly faced with a change. You had achieved something that I had not been able to achieve. It was as if I had to face the truth. I had not been able to study properly, because Mom and Dad controlled me! They expected so much of me that I spent my entire childhood on an unstable seesaw! Every day I was under more and more pressure, so I didn't do well in school anymore! And then you suddenly got good grades! It was too much... I got jealous; their comments hadn't helped one bit! I didn't want to fall behind-"

Wow... I didn't expect that. I never noticed that!

"What comments?" I asked and she looked up.

"Comparisons... They compared us. And complained about you... They said that you..." she paused, "Ayuna. You must know that-"

Her voice caught in her throat, and she looked to Nana for help, who lowered her gaze. "What Ayumi wants to tell you, Ayuna, is... that you were actually the firstborn. There was a mix-up at the hospital. Your parents never mentioned it because they were afraid of the consequences the cult would impose on them. That's why Ayumi was still registered as the firstborn ", it was as if a bomb had exploded again.

I looked at both in shock.

That couldn't be true, could it? It couldn't be right, no-

Oh God.

Slowly the pieces of the puzzle came together - I understood why Ayumi had done what she did. People were so good at controlling emotions!

Slowly the hatred faded...

Fourth word for Hayashi Ayuna.

"Ayu, what is 'despair'?" Nana looked me straight in the eyes. I almost couldn't open my mouth.

"Despair is when you know that you are really deep in your problems. You no longer have hope, you are not able to solve anything on your own. Permanent despair ends in self-pity, it can lead to death. You are paralyzed by so many different emotions that you just don't know where your head is at. It's an emotion that can only bring unhappiness."

The Queen of Diamonds acknowledges this declaration.

Ayumi put her hand over her mouth. "That's why you- Oh God," she seemed to understand a lot too. I felt the connection slowly forming. If you think about it, we've always been in the same boat. Except we never really saw it.

Fourth word for Hayashi Ayumi.

"Ayumi. It's your turn again. What does 'regret' mean?" our grandmother looked between us.

"Regret... It is also a feeling like despair, only in a different sense. You are deeply depressed because you have done nothing to improve anything. It cannot be undone; you must live with the consequences. And yet, the thought is always there - the feeling of guilt. It will never leave you, no matter how the rest of your life turns out. In the end you always remember it."

The Queen of Clubs acknowledges this declaration.

I looked at my sister. She kept her gaze down and suddenly...

She cried.

I was scared and didn't know what to do. She cried and couldn't stop.

"I'm so sorry, Ayu! I... don't know what came over me either! I can't imagine what you had to go through... I can only apologize for what I did to you.... I regret it so much... I shouldn't have listened to Mom and Dad! Believe me, I wanted to play with you back then! But my ego just wouldn't allow it! If things had turned out differently, would we have had a better relationship? Would we?" she sniffled, and I felt the lump in my throat.

And then the tears ran out of my eyes too.

Life was unfair. I regretted not seeing her perspective. I had always complained about my pain, but never paid attention to how my sister was feeling.

We may have been twins, but we never had had a good relationship. If we had talked more to each other, maybe the two of us would have escaped the fangs of our family together.

I had had the strength she never had.

Yes, the hate was gone. I didn't hate Ayumi anymore. But I couldn't just excuse her actions. I would never be able to do that.

But I was open to change our relationship. I finally wanted it to stop. We should be able to talk to each other sensibly. It was important that we finally understood each other.

" I'm sorry," this sentence came from both of our lips at the same time.