The Winners Take It All | Chishiya [English]

Death is no solution

The wind hit my face as I opened the door to the roof.

It was like a thousand needles were piercing my skin, but that wasn't what was causing me the most worries.

Rather, it was the fear that spread through me and made me feel sick.

I was hoping that my intuition was wrong - but unfortunately it was exactly the opposite. The situation that presented itself made the blood run cold in my veins.

She had climbed over the railing.

What now? What should I do? So much could happen if I made the wrong decision now, it could cost me so much...

Someone could lose their life...

Sarumi seemed to have heard the door open.

Her ice-cold gaze was now on me, she scanned me with her eyes.

I let her have it.

"Don't come any closer!", her voice echoed to me with the wind, "Don't stop me! You stupid psychologists! You don't understand what's wrong with me anyway! You don't know what I have to go through! Instead, you give this stupid advice that doesn't help anyway! Pills, words, therapies! I don't want that anymore!"

I did not say anything.

"I don't want to hear it anymore! I just can't do it anymore!"

Had it been the same way back then? Had I also been as desperate as the girl who was now standing at the edge of the roof and looking down crying? Did I also see no other way out?

"Why don't you say anything?!", her voice was shrill, she had apparently expected an answer, something that fit her imagination.

So much blood...

I looked into her eyes.

The painful throbbing in my arms, the bathroom floor slowly turning red...

"It hurts not to be understood," my voice was quiet, "It's so stressful... always having to wait for something to get better..."

Her eyes slowly widened.

Deep red... And yet so calming... It was done. With every drop that left my body, a little more life slipped away...

"What do you know?!" she turned her back to me.

All she had to do was let go... Then she would fall into the depths and never open her eyes again.

"Do you see death as your final solution?" the question seemed to hit an iron wall.

I had done it, I was so close to my freedom... Then why didn't it feel right?

"Sarumi? What makes you think that death could solve your problems?" I took a step towards her, but still left the distance wide enough.

One attack on her personal space and she would definitely let go.

"What choice do I have? I don't have anything else left!" I noticed the tremble in her voice as she answered against my expectations, "Why do you even care?! You're a little doll, I guess you grew up in a rose-colored, carefree world! You don't know what it feels like to have no way out!"

The words somehow hit me.

Did I really look like that?

Did I seem so happy that my terrible history was no longer noticeable?

Had I really freed myself from these iron chains?

"You don't know what it feels like... You just don't know, don't know..." she trailed off into a monotone murmur, I saw her fingers loosen from the railing.

"Yes! I know it!" I exclaimed, with a strength that I had never felt before, "I know it, I know it all! I was in that shitty hole myself! I couldn't make it out myself!"

She paused.

"Damn! I cut my own wrists to escape the torture! I saw the vital element leave my body! And then I thought that I was finally free! But no! I wasn't! Trust me!", I took another step towards her, "As you can see, I survived! I'm standing here, I'm talking to you! I've widened the gap and expanded my horizons! I'm free, I'm living my life! Without anyone that interferes! I promise you; death is not the solution!"

She stood still and didn't move once.

"It's desperation that forces you into this situation!" I continued to talk to her as I approached her.

"Despair is when you know that you are really deep in your problems. You no longer have hope, you are not able to solve anything on your own. Permanent despair ends in self-pity, it can lead to death. You are paralyzed by so many different emotions that you just don't know where your head is at. It's an emotion that can only bring unhappiness."

I had now reached her. I carefully put my hand on her shoulder, she flinched slightly but allowed it.

"I know you haven't had a good experience. I believe you when you say that I can't even begin to understand what happened at home. But I want to promise you one thing: I want to help you, I want to show you how beautiful the world can actually be. I want you to understand what you are capable of. Please... Let me try... And if you still have no hope, then I will leave you alone," she swallowed as I whispered those words to her.

"O-Okay..." my heart skipped a beat as those words broke the silence.

Then she wanted to turn around, but...

...her foot stepped into the void. She fell backwards, her hands no longer on the railing. I saw the panic in her eyes.

"I do not want to die!"

Reflexively, I reached for her arm and actually managed to grab her at the last second. My body was jerked against the railing and a sharp pain spread through my stomach.

But I couldn't let go now... if I did...

"Hold on!" I shouted to her as she clung to my wrist in panic. I groaned as I tried to pull her up.

My strength was failing... I couldn't take it anymore...

She cried out softly as she slid down a bit. "Help! Please..." she gasped as I summoned the last of my strength and managed to pull her to the railing.

She clung to the metal as if it was her haven in the darkness before shakily making her way to the other side.

Then she cried. They were tears filled with sadness, pain and regret. Exhausted, I took her in my arms and we slid to the floor, where she sobbed into my neck.

She clung to me, seeking the warmth and closeness that I had also missed back then.

"I'm glad you didn't die," I murmured to her.

It was a sentence that I had wanted to hear when I woke up from my coma.

She continued to cry in my arms as I looked up at the sky.

Yes... freedom.

The sky was so blue... it was the picture of a beautiful day.

It was a day that should always remain in our memories.