Doing The Dance (Jackson Avery Fanfic)

twenty-seven

2016

I haven't stopped sleeping in my old bed since it happened.

I hadn't slept in it for six months. It had become a storage room in that time, for our overflow of items. But I couldn't face our bedroom, his bedroom. Not yet.

Chief Webber had given me an extended mental health leave that was open-ended. All I'd done for the past three weeks was lay in bed and chat with whoever called me or came to the door to check on me.

The last three weeks don't even feel like they happened. I hadn't been inside the hospital since and I hadn't left the house for much. I just sat around, played with the ring on my finger, and remembered. I cried a lot, I couldn't eat for a few days, and I had to deal with the funeral and everything. It's been so much but yet feels like nothing. It was all a blur.

Luke's uncle Will had been bringing me food often from the restaurant and a lot of doctors from the hospital had either called or stopped by. But I wasn't on earth anymore and I think they could tell from one conversation with me.

I felt awful for leaving Jackson in the lurch, especially when I learned that Owen and April had decided to still go the next day. But the truth was I couldn't go back there, at least not yet.

Chief Webber and Doctor Shepherd had both encouraged me to come back when I'm ready. The only issue was knowing if I'd ever be ready. I would have been better off had he not died in the hospital, in the ORs I worked in. I'd have probably been okay to go back after the funeral. But the truth of it all was I was devastated and heartbroken, and I didn't know how to even begin to recover from it.

The knock on the door broke me out of my own thoughts and I weakly called for the person to enter. Jackson came in, a small girl in his arms that I knew to be his daughter, Harriet.

"We thought that you could use some company and since Daddy is going crazy at work and at home, we thought we'd get a change of scenery in there too" He said in a cheerful voice. I nodded but didn't smile or move. Jackson walked in and sat down, allowing Harriet to toddle around my apartment. He looked at me. "Dawson, you okay?"

"No"

"How can I help?" I looked at him blankly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you're not okay and you need help. What can I do?" I shrugged in response. There wasn't anything anyone could physically do for me to make things feel better.

"I don't know Jackson"

"How about you come to stay at my place for a few nights? Get out of here and just be somewhere else. That's what I'm doing right now with Harriet" My gaze on him was still blank. "Okay, don't worry. You don't have to come. I just thought it would help take your mind off of-"

"My fiancé dying a few weeks ago?" His eyes snapped back up to look at me after he'd looked away sheepishly, following his offer.

"Your what?" I twirled the ring sitting on my left ring finger.

"He asked a week before it happened. I told him I'd think about it. Then he died and I realized my answer was yes. It was always yes"

"Tay, I'm so-"

"You didn't kill him" Jackson stopped himself and took a deep breath.

"No, I didn't. And neither did you. Stop torturing yourself with it all" I shrugged again.

"I told him to go home at lunch to get his research. If he'd just stayed and been berated by Bailey, we'd be sitting at work together right now, totally fine and engaged"