CENTUM VIGINTI TRES

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in and out of consciousness, punch after punch, ice bucket after ice bucket. truth be told I dont know how long iv been here, the few times I have been awake enough to remember, or just not drugged, I was being beat or dragged somewhere. it has had to be at least a month, if not two. I cant feel my feet most of the time, im freezing every moment I remember, my hair feels way longer than it used to be, even for curls it feels to long.

my nails feel sharp, my teeth feel disgusting. I feel dirty, like I hadn't showered in months, and I probably haven't. i remember being beat, i remember almost drowning multiple times, i remember blades slicing through my skin, the little things i can grasp are the worst.

i remember hands on me, i remember nails scratching me, the dry lips of men pressed against my skin. the moments where i can fight back, but just being drugged more and tied up, i remember being stripped of the little clothing i was wearing in the first place.

i was being treated like an object, it only took me this long to realize it. i didnt know where i was, i didnt know how long iv been out, but as i sit on this frail mattress, staring at my hands as the cage like metal surrounds me like a cell, seeing dozens of other cells lining the walls, i knew it wasn't good.

for some reason i wasn't drugged, i was sitting in sloppy sweatpants and nothing else. my knees were to my chest and my hands shook uncontrollably. i was freezing, it felt like the middle of winter and i was being smothered by snow. my feet looked overly veiny, my arms looked strained of muscle.

i dont remember the last time i ate, or even stood up on my own. i felt weak, vulnerable, hurt.

i was alone, friendless, my blood pumping with drugs i didnt even want to know about.

i thought, staring at my shaking hand as i looked at the veins that stuck out over the fatless skin. my thoughts were racing, slowing, and racing. they would start wondering where i was, i would remember what happened, then i would accept this is my life, but then i would remember something from before this.

i would remember the day i met george, he had a gun pointed at me with his short brunette hair brushed back and soaked. my calf ached in pain as blood dripped down my skin, and george looked scared.

i made a deal with him, kneeling over nicks body as he started to bleed out.

i would remember how techno was pissed about having to come as backup, i would remember karls sarcasm when nick tried to be a smart ass towards him.

and these little memories, they are what kept me awake. because i knew the moment i fell back asleep, it could be days if not weeks until i have this freedom again.

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