Heartstopper oneshots/ requests

Nicks Bipolar Disorder

A request from torizn_ - sorry it took me so long, I hope you like it! It kinda turns into Nick and Charlie fluff, particularly in the second part which is coming tomorrow :))

I knew it was going to be a bad day as soon as I woke up. It was like one switch had been turned off and another had been turned on. Exactly how the doctor described it to me and at the time it made perfect sense. It felt like someone finally understood what was wrong with me.

"There's nothing wrong with you"

I can still hear the Doctor's voice now as I sat up. My head felt heavy and everything felt wrong. I pretty much knew I was going to wake up like this since dad had let me down, again.

I wasn't surprised really, but it doesn't make it hurt any less and as I got ready for school I could think of nothing but how my dad must think I'm worthless. I couldn't think of another explanation, it had to be my fault that he doesn't want to see me. Which inevitably turned into how everyone must think I'm worthless which then turned into 'I should just disappear'. So by the time I was coming down the stairs I was ready to not try at all. Which I know is all in my head and I know it's just 'the chemical imbalance' but it doesn't make it feel any less real.

School seemed completely pointless, as did seeing anyone there. Even Charlie. Of course I haven't told him about how bad things can get. It's not worth it. I know he'll leave when he finds out and I want him around for at least a little longer before he inevitably loses interest.

"Good sleep, Nicky?" Mum's chirpy voice breaks my thoughts and makes me want to cry. She has no idea about all of this. How bad it is. Not really. Which is my fault, I don't want to bother anyone with it.

She took me to the Doctor a few years ago because she was worried about me. She thought it was her and dad's divorce that did it. Maybe it did. Maybe I've just always been broken and their relationship dysfunction had nothing to do with it.

The doctor offered pills which I took for just over a year, but they stop the high moods and the low moods. So you're left feeling constantly in the middle. So I decided I would rather take the bad with the good instead of having no good at all.

"Good, you?" I replied to mum. An autopilot response my brain has conjured up itself while I remain distracted by my extreme change in mood. You would think that I would be used to them by now. Knowing what it is and everything, but I'm not. You don't seem to get used to waking up feeling like a completely different person.

So while my autopilot has a conversation with mum over breakfast, I try my best to calibrate myself to what feels like a different brain. I just finish my toast when my conscious brain takes over.

"And I know you love playing rugby, but you've got to study too - your exams are coming up"
"I know, I will" The first actual response from me, not that mum has noticed. No one ever does. I never understand why. Whether it's because I've got so good at faking it or because no one really cares enough.

"You better go, you'll be late"
"Thanks for breakfast" I say, smiling as best I can.

By the time I get to school, my awful mood is all consuming and as much as I try my absolute best to seem normal, it's near impossible. So I keep myself to myself instead and only talk if someone speaks to me.

This carries on for the rest of the week and no one says anything so my stupid brain convinces me that nobody cares about me which only makes me feel even worse. If that's even possible.

"Are you okay?"

My eyes immediately snap to Charlie's. That's the first time this week someone has asked and I have to stop myself from throwing my arms around him and bursting into tears. It's not like me to cry, but sometimes I just feel so bad it's all I can think to do.

"Fine" Is what I go for instead, "Just a bad week" I add, knowing Charlie won't take 'fine' for an answer. Especially when everything was obviously not fine. Not that I had a reason why it wasn't which made it even worse. How are you supposed to explain that?

As soon as I know a conversation has started, I busy myself with the homework that's due first period. I have exactly 15 minutes before it's technically due in and I haven't even started it. I haven't done any homework this week. I just really haven't had the motivation to.

Which doesn't make much sense since I really care about not failing school and for every minute I spend not doing my work I feel extremely guilty. But I just can't bring myself to do it so the guilt gets worse until I eventually resolve to doing absolutely nothing and feeling unbelievably stressed and annoyed with myself for doing nothing. Which only puts me in an even worse mood so I don't do any work. It's a vicious circle.

So now, with 15 minutes until I need to hand this in, I finally have the motivation I need to do it.

A part of me wants to say more to Charlie, he deserves more. I've been awful company this week. I've hardly spoken to him which isn't like me. Which is why he's probably worried. Or just pissed off that I'm treating him like shit.

I don't mean to. It's like normal me is screaming on the inside to be let out, but can't be released from this hard shell of anguish. I know I've been a dick but I don't know how to not be. It's like I'm a puppet and someone else is pulling the strings.

"You've been like this since Monday" Charlie points out, trying to make eye contact with me which I refuse by continuing to scribble answers to these dumb questions at a million miles an hour. Strange what a bit of pressure does to productivity.

"Sorry" I mumble, not looking up
"Don't say the S word"
That makes me look up from my paper to see Charlie with a horrible half smile on his face. Like he's a little bit smug about what he's said, but he also sincerely means it.

The sincerity of the comment makes my insides squirm a little.

"Can I do anything?"

Charlie has very smartly moved away from asking what's wrong. He probably thinks I won't tell him, but it's really just because I can't. Partly because I don't want to and partly because I actually can't explain any of it. Unless I just tell him I have bi polar but I don't think he'd believe me.

I just shrug in response. I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Fine, I need to see Mr Ajayi anyway" Charlie says dismissively as he starts to get up.
"No" I blurt it a bit abruptly which even surprises me. I reach out and push him back down, "Stay"

For some reason I suddenly feel really anxious about Charlie leaving me in here on my own. I don't know these people. I don't talk to any of them. Weirdly, I suddenly realise how much I like Charlie. Like really like him. He's probably my only actual friend at this place.

So I rest my head on his shoulder and for the first time all week I feel a small spark of something positive. Happiness? Love? Appreciation? Whatever it is, it's good and I feel content just having Charlie close to me.

Charlie doesn't move.

"Can you tell me the truth at least?"
"I'm tired"
"About what's actually wrong" Charlie reiterates

I get up from his shoulder and sigh, realising that I should probably tell him. But not right now.

"Can I tell you later?"
"Okay"

I go back to my homework, now fighting against the spinning thoughts in my mind about how I'm going to tell Charlie. But I have to get this homework done. I don't want to fall behind.

I knew someone that has BPD so I based some things on how he acted sometimes, but I don't have it myself so I've done what I can. Lemme know what you think <3

Part two tomorrow!