Heartstopper oneshots/ requests

Nick spirals P2

As requested! Special mention to Justherecuzwhynot123 .. no spoilers but maybe I did your request haha

You're all amazing, thank you for sticking with me - as a reward I think this is one of my better ones. Enjoy - the feels and all

Tw: Self harm, depressive/ dark thoughts

Once I met up with everyone again everything was okay. I felt weirdly better, but I was more self conscious than usual. I was so aware of how I was sitting and how my jumper was riding up my arm.

I knew the cuts were far up enough not to show really, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I felt better, but then again all I was thinking about was the cuts and how I was going to keep them from showing.

Once we had all eaten our fish and chips people started to leave. Tara and Darcy were the first to go. Tara gave me a hug and said that she hoped I was better soon which threw me off. Was it that obvious that I wasn't being myself?

Then it was Isaac who said goodbye and started walking home with his head in his book, as usual. As I watched him leave I couldn't help but think about how I wished I was more like him, he seemed so care free. Or at least he was better at hiding it than me.

As we were saying our goodbyes to everyone I could feel Charlie's eyes on me. He knew me better than anyone in the group so he could sense there was something up. I shook it off though and kept telling myself that I've got to just snap out of it. To be like I usually am.

So once everyone else had gone I put on my best smirk and turned to Charlie. He was sat next to me on the bench outside the chip shop.

"What?" He giggled, god I love it when I make him giggle like that
I giggled too, god I'm obsessed with him, "Nothing, I just thought - you know, we're finally by ourselves" I said softly and maybe more suggestively than I should have
"Oh yeah" Charlie smirked and he moved slightly closer to me
"Do you wanna maybe go for a walk?" I asked, still holding eye contact
"I would love to" Charlie smiled so I got up and turned to offer my hand
"Ma lady" I said, making him laugh

Charlie took my hand and got up too, "So where are we going?"
I looked around and then pointed ahead of us, "That way"

Charlie laughed and I was glad I had made him stop worrying about me for a minute. We were back to being the old Nick and Charlie.

We began to walk, still hand in hand. It was a quiet evening, most people were home by now. Except for the occasional dog walker who smiled in our direction.

"Thanks for today" I said after a long silence
"I didn't do a lot"
"You did" I smiled, "You're the only one that gets me - like I-" I hesitated, "I don't know how you do it"

I felt Charlie shrug his arms, "I'm magic" He laughed, joking but I stopped walking and took both his hands
"You are" I smiled, looking into his eyes and for once, I felt the smile go from my cheeks to my eyes, "Thank you" I said again and Charlie leaned in, planting his lips carefully on mine.

They were slightly salty from the chips and I liked it. So I deepened the kiss, putting one of my hands behind his head and pushing my tongue slightly into his mouth. The feeling was euphoric, I felt at peace with him. Like our souls were dancing as one. 

Charlie pulled away slowly, "I take it back - that was magic"
I properly laughed, his remark taking me by surprise. I let go of his hands and instinctively put my left hand up to my hair to run it through my hair. I immediately regretted it. I knew they were exposed and Charlie might have seen them.

My face dropped and I looked at Charlie. His face told me he had seen them. I had nothing to say so I turned away and continued walking quickly ahead. Charlie hurried after me, I could hear him, but I couldn't bear to look at him.

"Nick, please!" He called out, but I kept walking, tears were forming in my eyes. I knew that I'd let my guard down, that Charlie had seen them and knew I was struggling. I wasn't who he really wanted. I wasn't the strong guy, I was just another weak one. Unable to deal with his emotions and instead took let them out in the most unhealthy way.

"I still love you" Charlie exclaimed, his voice was full of desperation and it made me stop in my tracks. I didn't turn around though, instead I continued to stare at the concrete path ahead, lined with trees. In the distance there was another bench and a bin next to it. They were so far away, in fact I could only just make them out in the dimming light of the day, My eyes couldn't quite reach them. I was stuck in this moment. Stuck with these disgusting feelings of dread, but also a tiny feeling of gratitude and love.

Just as I came back to the present moment, I felt Charlie arms wrap his arms around me from behind and I didn't pull away. My arms were by my side and they pushed into my ribs as Charlie squeezed me tighter.

"It's okay" He whispered and I felt my shoulders relax, "Please look at me"
I took a deep breath. I owed him this. Even if I couldn't even look at myself I knew I owed it to him to look into his eyes.

This was the guy that hadn't run the other way when he saw. Instead he carried on walking in my direction, he wanted to be there for me and I knew, deep down, that I needed to face this.

I needed to properly realise what I had done. I wanted to get better, this wasn't me. I felt a million miles away from who I really was and I thought coming out and being with Charlie would mean that I would. But I didn't and I needed to face that. I needed to face him. So I did. Charlie loosened his grip and I faced him.

I looked over him at first, my eyes on another couple walking towards us in the distance, but then I looked at him. And I was no longer looking over him or how I was really feeling, I was present. I felt everything and it made me cry for the fifth time that day, but it felt good.

Charlie wrapped his arms around me again and I put my head on his shoulder, but as the tears got harder I nuzzled into him more. Allowing myself to be comforted by the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled once I could found my voice again, "I just-"
"Hey" Charlie spoke softly, he pulled me off him so I looked into his eyes, "Don't say the S word"
I managed a small smile, "I know, I just- I feel so shit, I've let you down - I've let myself down" I added almost as an after thought, knowing that was what dad would say.

My eyes drifted to the same couple I saw earlier now walking past us. I sniffed and rubbed my nose in an effort to pull myself together.

"You haven't" Charlie said, shaking me softly so I turned my attention back to him, "You'll get out of this"
The edge of my lips tugged into a sheepish half smile. I wanted to believe him, but right now I didn't.

"Come on" Charlie took my hand again, "Let's go home"