Heartstopper oneshots/ requests

Nick has a bad anxiety day

Hi everyone, so I wrote this... idk where it came from but I so missed writing angsty stuff so here's this and at least it's something new for you all to read haha I guess this is kind of what Justherecuzwhynot123 asked for a while back. I deffo wanna do more of it... call me weird but I honestly find writing this stuff weirdly therapeutic.

I'll do a happy one soon I swear 😂😭 Anyways here it is:

From the moment he woke up, Nick knew this wasn't going to be a good day. He knew he shouldn't think like that, if his therapist could hear his thoughts he knew exactly what he'd be saying.

'Our mind believes what we tell it, Nick"

Now, he was sat in Form with Charlie next to him. Charlie was talking about something and he seemed excited about whatever it was. Nick could see Charlie from the corner of his eye talking animatedly. But he couldn't focus. His mind was racing and he couldn't figure out why. Why is it the coffee he'd had before bed? Or the looming dread of exams coming up? Or something else that his brain hadn't told him yet?
He sat picking the skin around his thumb with his teeth. He'd found a catch there at breakfast and he'd managed to peel most of it. Now it was hurting though, that painful stinging you get when you know you've picked too much off. He couldn't stop though. The pain grounded him somewhat. It was calming. So he carried on, his leg bouncing and his eyes fixed in front of him. He felt like if he spoke, the anxiety would rise up from his chest and into his throat. Then take over all cognition. So he sat silently.
As he sat there, he wondered if he'd ever been this bad in front of Charlie. Surely Charlie could see something was wrong? As much as he wanted to, Nick couldn't shake himself out of it. He hated it. It was like you were stuck down a well while your mind took over. It didn't matter how hard you tried, you couldn't climb back up and take control again.
So he sat, bounced his leg and bit his thumb. It was bleeding now. The metallic taste of it trickling onto his tongue which meant he couldn't stop now. If he took his thumb away from his mouth everyone would see what he'd done. Which would be embarrassing and show everyone what a mess he really was.
Charlie nudging his arm brought him back to the present moment, but only because it made his thumb jolt against his teeth, digging deeper into the cut. Nick winced with the sudden pain and looked at Charlie.
"You're scaring me" Charlie said, his voice fading into the noise in Nick's head. Nick just looked into Charlie's eyes for a moment, getting slightly lost in them. He felt calmer somehow, but Charlie's words made his heart sink.
"Mmm-fine" Nick mumbled, taking his thumb away from his mouth and quickly putting it under the table, "Jus' tired"
Nick knew Charlie wouldn't buy it, but he had to say something and how could he explain what was actually happening?
Oh, I'm fine. I just woke up this morning and my brain decided that it would go into overdrive for some reason and be extra cynical. Yeah, it's weird, I just can't shut it off and I feel like if I make any noise then it'll all just come to the surface. What was that? What am I thinking about? I don't know really... everything and nothing at once. To be honest, mostly nothing... why am I nervous? I don't know, my brain hasn't told me why yet but at least the adrenaline coursing through my veins means I'll be ready to fight off a bear... if it comes... which it never does. But hey, at least I'm ready for it... Anyway, I'll just get back to trying to figure out what the hell is wrong...
No. Tired worked better.
Charlie put his hand on Nick bouncing leg, making it stop. Nick didn't have the heart to tell him that doing that just made the nervous energy go somewhere else. He could already feel it rising up his throat. He pulled his leg away just before he felt like he was suffocating.
"Do you want to leave?" Charlie asked after a bit more silence. He couldn't figure out what the right thing to say was. Anyone could see Nick was anxious and there was no point asking what it was. He knew Nick wouldn't tell him.
Nick swallowed, trying really hard to keep everything down and shake himself from the weird state he was in. Which was difficult, but he somewhat managed it.
"It's fine, I'll go - I just feel really-" Nick stopped, trying to think of the words. He could hear his voice shaking slightly, "It's fine" He said again, getting up, "I just need to get out for a bit. I'll see you at break" He managed to say quickly before rushing out for the room.
The teacher called after him, but he didn't care. The relief he felt walking out of that room was too good. His chest loosened up and he took a deep breath as he paced down the corridor. Walking always seemed to help, or running if he could. Although, generally, you couldn't get away with running in most places.
So he paced all the way down the hall to the double doors that led outside. Then, he walked around the entire building. He could feel the tension easing as he went. As great as it was, he still couldn't figure out why it was this bad. It hadn't been this bad in ages. Since year 9.
By the time he was on his second lap of the school, the bell for the start of lessons had gone off and everyone was starting to flood through the school. The noise was freaking him out, so he waked away and up to the playing field. Still, he couldn't figure out what it was. The more he willed it to stop, the worse it seemed to get.
Nick knew that this was the start of the end again. It meant that he was relapsing back into his old ways. He had been off the medication for almost a year now and everything was fine. Sure, there were off days but nothing ever like this. On this level. He suddenly felt trapped.
The weird thing about mental health is that when yours isn't great, it's not like you can turn it off and walk away. You're trapped inside your head. All day, every day. No escaping it. Other than when you're asleep and even that's hard to come by when your mind is fucked up. It's like it wants you to suffer.
Nick had to stop after the first lap of the field. He was so out of breath and it wasn't the walking, his chest burned and he could feel it happening again. He hadn't had a panic attack in over a year and yet here he was, having one now. He walked slowly back to the main building. Everyone was in lessons now and something deep down was nagging at him, telling him he should be in lesson to. That he'll be marked down as absent and his mum will be called and then she will know. She'll just know why he's not in lesson. And it'll all start again, the therapy, the pills, the endless questions about how he's doing.
Nick bunked off all the time in year 9, he hated lessons. Hated sitting still for more that twenty minutes in a room full of people his own age all making so much noise. It was a miracle he hadn't been labelled the weird kid. His brother protected him, but with him gone, he was definitely going to be the weird kid now.
All these thoughts swam around as Nick stood by the back wall of the school, trying to stop himself from freaking out. His jaw was clenched and he was breathing just through his nose - something the therapist said would help. It wasn't, his chest was burning.
So he opened his mouth and gasped for air, punching the wall as he did. He had so much pent up energy, he had to let it out. The pain in his hand calmed him down and after a few seconds he started breathing normally again.
"Stupid-fucking-brain" He said through gritted teeth, punching the wall with every word for emphasis.
Then he stepped away and a strong wave of calm washed over him. Suddenly, he felt like he could function again. All the nervous energy had been used up. Nick opened his hands out in front of him and looked down at them, they were trembling. He hadn't noticed. His knuckle was grazed, but there wasn't much blood. The worst of it was that the skin on his knuckle was turning slightly purple and black.
"Fuck" He muttered, taking in the sight of it, "Fuck, fuck, fuck" He said, louder this time. Tears filled his eyes, blurring his vision. Soon his hands were just fleshly blobs.
He sniffed in an effort to stop the tears, but they came anyway. Spilling out and running down his cheeks. In that moment, all Nick felt was self loathing. He started walking again, wiping the tears from his face with his blazer sleeve as he did. Why am I not normal? Why am I like this? Why can't I just have a normal fucking brain?
Before he realised it, Nick had walked himself to the PE changing rooms. It was like his brain was on autopilot while it occupied itself with other things . He had done this before, been here a few times. There was a first aid kit in the back cupboard of the changing rooms. In there were bandages that he could use to wrap his hand up.
His hands were still shaking as he made his way through the empty changing room and to the cupboard. Clothes were strewn around the place. Clearly there was a PE lesson going on, but luckily everyone was outside.
He opened the cupboard and found the first aid kit. He fumbled slightly getting it open, but once he had it was like clockwork. Take the bandage, rip the cellophane off it, unravel it and wrap it around the knuckle. Fold the loose end into the top of the bandage. Done. Put the first aid kit away, turn around and-
"Nick?"
Charlie was not supposed to be there. He was in his PE kit.
"I came back for my bottle- what did you?" Charlie's voice trailed off as he gestured and Nicks bandaged hand.
Nick shrugged, trying to seem unbothered by the whole thing but his throat was dry and he could feel the tears prickling his eyes.
"I er-" He tried to speak but his voice was croaky so he stopped and looked down at his hand before trying again, "I punched a wall" He said, there was no point lying. Not when he had a bandage around his hand and not when it was Charlie asking.
"Wha-Why? Jesus, Nick, what's going on with you?" Charlie's voice sounded desperate and concerned. Nick felt his heart drop. No one was meant to see this, especially not Charlie. Nick shrugged again, "I'm alright now though" He tried to smile but it was strained so he stopped. He wanted to cry, to slump down on the bench next to him and cry. He felt so pathetic and stupid.
"Nick" Charlie said quietly and lurched forward to throw his arms around him. He didn't know what else to do.
Nick accepted the hug and wrapped his own arms around Charlie. He felt safe and calm, but his heart was still racing and it ached. He really tried not to, but the sudden feeling of relief and safety overwhelmed him so he started to cry.
Quietly at first, small sniffs, but soon he was properly crying. It was like the floodgates had finally opened properly and it felt strangely good. Charlie just stood rooted to the spot, his arms wrapped tightly around Nick's waist as he cried.
After a minute or so, Nick had calmed down enough to speak. So he pulled away from Charlie and wiped his face with his blazer sleeve for the second time that morning.
"Sorry" Nick said and cleared his throat, "I swear I am actually alright now" He smiled, but Charlie wasn't smiling so he  looked down at the floor. He realised he had to be honest with Charlie. He knew he could trust him and he also knew that Charlie deserved an explanation. So he cleared his throat again and sat down on the bench he was next to. He leant his arms on his knees and took a breath, thinking about how to start.
Charlie sensed Nick was going to talk so came and sat next to him.
"A couple of years ago I erm-" Nick hesitated straight away, suddenly wondering if this was the best thing to do. Maybe Charlie will think he's insane or realise that he isn't quite the person he thought he was.
He took a deep breath, concluding that he'd started so he may as well finish.
"I had really bad anxiety, like I took medication for it and had to see a therapist. It was that bad" Nick looked ahead at the empty changing room. Not looking at Charlie made it easier to talk. "I don't really know what brought it on, I guess as I got older my brain just went a bit mental and I thought that-" He stopped again, the emotion thick in his throat, "I thought that it had gone. I haven't taken the pills for a year now and I haven't seen my therapist for a few months. I just thought it had gone" He repeated, feeling depleted actually saying it out loud. It made it suddenly real explaining it to Charlie.
Nick clenched his fists thinking about it. He really believed he was better, he felt stupid to believe it now.
"Then this morning I wake up and I just knew it was going to be a bad day and I tried to just ignore it but obviously by the time we were in Form it was really bad""I've never seen you like that" Charlie said, making Nick look at him for the first time since he had started talking.
Charlie's eyes told Nick he was feeling a mixture of fear, worry and sadness. Three things Nick didn't want to make Charlie feel. They'd only been going out for a month and Nick had told himself that Charlie didn't have to know about those couple of weird years. He was better now, wasn't he? Yet here he was telling him, Charlie having seen some of the worst of it.
"I know and I'm sorry" Nick said quickly, his voice sounding slightly desperate, "I haven't had it that bad in ages. I don't know why it's this bad now" Nick said truthfully
Charlie didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say. So instead, he reached out for Nick's hand and took it. Nick squeezed it, grateful that Charlie was with him.

Hope you enjoyed it, lemme know what you want to see more of here. I know I have requests to do so I'll be looking at doing those. I'm just curious to know what you like reading the most.

Also, on a personal (and also complete side) note, I'm currently figuring out if I have OCD. All these years I put my thoughts and behaviours down to anxiety... turns out it could be OCD. I also read a really good book about a girl who struggles with OCD (Am I Normal Yet by Holly Bourne for anyone interested). Really easy teen read and it went into her struggles with it.

Anyway... I might write a bit more in the 'Nick has OCD' series as I explore my own experiences further.

Love to you all xoxo