The Unbelievable Life of Lynn Carmina

Chapter 28: Decisions of the Heart and Mind

A tribute to Avenged Sevenfold... cause I'm psyched to see them in concert tommorrow night!!

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Recap chap 27:

“I want us to be together. Please Lynn, don’t turn me down this time. I’m not giving up until I get what I want and that’s my girl. I love you and I won’t let you walk away this time.” Julien proclaimed adamantly and I was stunned at the conviction and intensity of his sentiment.

What does this mean for me and my family and how do I respond to his proposal?

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Chapter 28: Decisions of the Heart and Mind

I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I mean, I loved my family, my children are everything me. If it weren’t for them, I would have been lost a long time ago. I wouldn’t have had the strength to struggle through my depression and the pain over the loss of my unborn child. I changed my life for them. I made myself into someone better… for them. They would hate me for breaking up the family and blame me for destroying their lives, but I would be happier without Mark, and so would they, in time.

Could I really ruin my children’s lives and cause them pain, even if it may be better in the long run?

As for Mark, I felt kind of bad about that situation as well. Yes he was jealous and untrusting, possessive and controlling, as well as a selfish asshole, but he was there for me during some rough times. If we hadn’t met just after I tried to kill myself, then I probably would have done it again. I was in immense pain then, and he helped me through it. Mark was different then, unlike now, he was kind, sweet and sincere. He saved me and I was eternally grateful for that. He served as a distraction from the agony in my life and he gave me four beautiful children.

How could I betray my husband, even if he was a supreme asshole?

When it comes to just Julien, I don’t even know what to think. He hurt me, crushed my heart and betrayed me so many times in the past that I find it difficult to let myself get close to him. Yet I am miserable without him and can’t keep myself away from him. I want him so desperately and I love him deeply. I have never loved anyone as wholeheartedly as I love Julien, even though he wronged me so many times. A part of me wants to hate him, but I can’t bring myself to really do it. He is all I think about, apart from my kids, and I need him more than I have ever needed anyone.

Could I hand him my heart again, knowing that he may pulverize it? Am I willing to risk everything that is good and stable in my life, even if that stability is an illusion, to be with him? Do I have the strength to make the choice that is right for me, even if it seems difficult and wrong?

Sadly, the answer is yes. Ultimately, I’m selfish and I’m willing to risk my family, my integrity and my heart to give Julien one last chance. To give us one last chance to be happy together.

I looked to Julien, whose deep brown eyes desperately sought my answer. He stared up at me, still half rested against my chest. I was uncertain how this ordeal would end, but I knew we would both regret it, like we had regretted every other choice we had made in the last 16 years, if we didn’t try. It may be the best decision either of us had made, or it may end in disaster, with two families ripped to shreds. But we had to try. I could no longer live a life filled with misery and regret.

“Jules…” I gained his attention before finishing my answer. I held his face in my hands and stared into his eyes, so full of hope, but also fear.

“I want to be with you. I want us to try.” I whispered, my voice barely audible because even though deep down in my gut I knew my choice was the right one, I felt my heart shattering into pieces over what I was about to do to my family.