The Unbelievable Life of Lynn Carmina

Chapter 19: The Talk Part 2

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Recap chap 18:

“I was drunk but, I didn’t think she was my wife…” He hesitated and looked deeply into my eyes. He rested his hand on mine, where it laid on the picnic table between us and gave it a slight squeeze. I didn’t want him to touch me, but I didn’t want him to stop touching me either. I really didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted Julien.

“I thought she was you.” He admitted in the quietest of tones and still held my gaze. I was stunned. Was this another trick? What could I say to a comment like that?

“Oh.” Was all I said and I couldn’t get my lips to move, even if I wanted them to.

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Chapter 19: The Talk Part 2

Either Julien was jealous of my interactions with Jay that night at the bar after finals, or he had way too much to drink. There was no way Jenna could be mistaken for me. On one level, I was irritated that he wanted me but got Jenna instead, yet on another, I was oddly satisfied that he wanted me at all. But that wasn’t possible. He didn’t want me, he never had. He didn’t want to be with me 16 years ago and he didn’t want me now.

“Wow… that must have been some strong alcohol if you mistook Jenna for me.” I commented with a bit of levity. Julien just stared at me, trying to figure me out. I don’t think he expected my cavalier response. But what did he actually expect from me?

It’s not like he cared about me. It’s not like he ever did, so why pretend to now?

“Lynn, can we talk about the baby now?” Julien asked in a soft voice. His face was unreadable and I don’t think I would have wanted to figure it out if I could have. I didn’t want to do this. I never wanted to do this. But I guess fate was a bitch.

“Sure, talk away.” I said after a heavy sigh. I wasn’t going to give him everything; just enough to shut him up and get him out of my life. Being with just Julien was dangerous, and Lynn and danger did not mix.

“You said you didn’t know before you… before it happened, is that true?” He asked almost immediately. Way to jump right in Julien. I guess that wasn’t too bad of a question and one I could answer easily.

“Yes. I didn’t know I was pregnant until it was too late.” I responded a bit shyly, silently pleading to every god there is to put me out of my misery. I didn’t look at Julien. I kept my eyes trained straight ahead.

“How did it happen?” He asked quietly. Start with the easy ones why don’t you? I sure as hell was not going to answer that. I hesitated, thinking of what was best to tell him, what would lead to the least amount of questions.

His hand was outstretched and once again held mine. I didn’t realize he had done that, that’s how comfortable his touch was. It didn’t even register that his hands held mine and stroked them gently. I knew he was trying to be comforting, but I didn’t need his comfort. I needed him the hell away from me, before I fell into his trap, yet again.

“I don’t know Julien, it just happened. Things like that just happen. People loose babies every day. I’m not a fucking doctor, okay.” I was harsh and I didn’t need to be. I just didn’t want to do this, so I wasn’t going to make it easy for him.

“Please don’t be like this Lynn. If you didn’t want to answer my questions then why did you come?” He asked in all seriousness. It almost looked like it hurt him just as much to be here as it did me. But that wasn’t possible. It could never hurt him as much. He wasn’t the one who killed our son, then couldn’t even successfully kill himself, that was me.