The Unbelievable Life of Lynn Carmina

Chapter 34: I'm Not Okay

sorry it took so long to update, but here it is so enjoy!

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Recap ch 33:

  I was tired, so tired of this life, tired of hurting people I cared about and tired of being hurt. It seemed hopeless, my life and future. The pain of seeing Mark as he really is deep inside and knowing I would probably never have my happy ending with Julien was far too great for me to endure. I shut down. I closed off my heart and mind from the moment I uttered those last words and realized that nothing was ever going to change.

It was a hopeless situation and the only thing I had to cling to, was the one thing that I was forced to give up, Julien. I only hoped he would learn to forgive me someday and try to move on with his life.

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 Chapter 34: I’m Not Okay

My phone vibrated for what felt like the hundredth time in the past few months and perhaps that number wasn’t too far off. I read the text I received and grimaced. It was the same as I received time and time again.

*Please talk to me. I love you* Received from Julien at 9am.

It broke my heart to read it, and then delete it from the memory. Mark would be checking my phone for signs that I was still in contact with Jules and I couldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that even if I hadn't responded to him since that day, the day I devastated him, that Jules was still contacting me daily. I lied. I had to lie to him. I broke him, just like he’d done to me many times before. Only this time I really didn’t think there was a way for him to be fixed.

My thoughts drifted to that day and sadness covered me like a heavy blanket. I jumped and looked at my phone as it vibrated signaling a call. I hesitantly read the number and automatically registered that it was Julien. Mark stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer and break things off with Julien, as promised.

I did not want to do this, but what choice did I have? Devastate my family and give Mark reason to murder Julien or tell Jules it was a mistake. I had to go with the second option, do what was best for everyone. Mark had agreed to forgive me and get help for his anger problem as long as I had no further contact with Julien. With a heavy heart, I answered the call and greeted him for what would be the last time.

"Hello Julien." I said, confirming Mark's suspicions. I shuddered as I watched him tense and begin to shake slightly from anger. I really didn't want this to go where it had already been.

"Lynny are you okay? I'm worried." Jules responded with a voice full of love and concern. This was the last time I'd hear that smooth voice, so I had to savor it.

"Julien..." I started but got choked up. This was so much more difficult than I expected. I hesitated because I just couldn't find the words or the strength to verbalize what I needed to.

Mark stared me down anxiously. There was a dangerous edge to the look in his eyes and at that point I knew I had to dig deep and pull out all the inner strength I had. I took a deep breath and finished my thought.

"I made the wrong choice. I'm sorry. We… can't be together, now or ever." I stated barely audibly, but knew he had heard me by the dead silence on the other end of the line. It was a good minute of nothing but the sounds of rapid breathing before a reply was finally heard.

"Why are you doing this? Is he threatening you? You're my girl, you need me and I need you. We belong together." Jules replied in a voice that was calm but laced with hurt and bewilderment.

"I... made a mistake. I don't... love you. I love Mark. I'm sorry Julien but this, this is goodbye." I said with the most confidence in my voice that I could muster. It wasn't much but maybe it was enough to convince him that I was telling the truth, which I wasn't, be he wasn't aware of that. I bit back the tears that wanted so desperately to fall because I didn’t need to give Mark yet another reason to kick Jules’ ass and put him on the hospital.