LEFT BEHIND | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter.

CHAPTER 6 - I HATE YOU

I'm so angry right now.

I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm upset.

I can't even bring myself to look at her.

This is all her fault.

She left and I'm the one who pays for it.

I'm the one who hurts.

Her touch feels so foreign to me and it only makes me hate everything even more and I didn't even know that was possible. 

Her touch hurts, it burns and I don't want it.

I can tell she wants to carry on talking but all she wants to talk about is why I got kicked out. Which she hasn't even really said anything about, she said about how it wasn't the first time I snuck out which is true. Everyone at school had tried too. And it's not as if dad hadn't called her to tell her what happened, she knew when we showed up I was coming? Why else was she right there when we pulled up?

It's crazy to me that she tried to act like she would care if something happened to me. She didn't care when I ended up in hospital last year, she never answered my texts when I said I needed to talk to her. That's when she didn't reply until 3 days later, when I needed her to come to the hospital to pick me up because dad wasn't in the same state. Even the school tried to call but instead they had to call dad more times and get him to speak to the doctors over the phone to get me out. But now she suddenly cares about if something happened when I was drunk? Seems like it's only convenient when it could fuck her up, she shows up to the hospital and leaves with a random teenager? Not like anyone knew who I was but even then she could have lied and made up who I was but instead she just didn't answer.

"I have so much I want to say to you, so much I've been up building for years!"

I can see the tears slowly filling her eyes but it doesn't stop me from continuing. I see her sadness and it only makes me more angry. She deserves it. So I'm not going to stop, I'm going to carry on because seeing her sad doesn't make me feel bad or sorry.

"You left out of nowhere, to me anyway it was nowhere. I was 6 and I went from seeing my mom everyday to seeing her on weekends. Like it was so easy for you to not see me everyday. Weekends to then seeing her when she had time between filming. And then you met Colin when I was 8 and it only got worse. I wasn't a part of your life anymore, well to me I wasn't. You'd stop round dads once or twice and I was SO happy to see you, happy to be in my moms arms because I missed her and I loved her. Whenever I was meant to stay with you something always came up or you weren't in the same state or country.

Then you got pregnant and it's like you just disappeared, like I didn't exist anymore, like I was this experiment for you to then go off and start a new family? Like I was a trial run, did it not work out how you wanted it too? You left me in a boarding school all the while you were getting married and having another baby? 

How could you do that?

Why wasn't I enough? 

How can you not have a guilty conscience and act like you're all innocent in this?

On my 12th birthday, 3 years ago, I had a performance at school, you- you didn't show up. You s-said you were coming. When it ended I cried- I cried for what felt like hours in dads arms asking where you were and why you didn't come and he didn't say anything, he couldn't say anything, that's when I later found out he had been calling and texting you but you never answered. I then saw an article a few days after that you were out with Colin and Rose for Valentine's day. 

The fact it was my birthday too, you- you d-didn't care. That wasn't even what hurt the most, you not showing up wasn't what hurt the most, it being my birthday wasn't what hurt the most. What h-h-hurt the most was when some of the older kids told me, I reminded them of an actress, that I reminded them of Scarlett Johansson and that when they looked closer, they thought I looked like her. Now that, that's what hurts the most, the thought that no one at my school even knew you was my mom, because you didn't want me too! No one other than your family knows I exist! My friends assume I don't even have a mom, because the last good memory I have of you and us was when I was 10! But being compared to you is one of the worse things anyone ever says to me because the thought of looking like you means I am a part of you!

I can never, EVER imagine putting someone through the same pain as I feel because of you.

And for years I've been trying to tell myself I wasn't the reason. I wasn't the reason you left and that you still loved me but showed it in such a weird way but as I'm getting older I just can't help but to think that, that's not the case. That I was the reason. That I somehow failed as a daughter so young that I don't even know how to be one anymore, especially for you, to you.

You made a whole new life without me.

You go on interviews and red carpets and get asked about your DAUGHTER, not daughters. Yeah, dads not 'famous' I get that but you're YOU. You've had years to tell the world about me but now nearly 15 years later and I feel like I'm not even real to you?

I don't fit into your life anymore, I don't think I ever did and you've made that clear since the moment you walked out on us, on ME.

You left me behind and for years you've seemed so okay with constantly still leaving me behind but now you're stuck with me right? Dad had to leave for work because this trip had been planned for a whole year. You had no choice and now, now I'm stuck here and we're both stuck with each other when we both don't want to be. 

You're stuck with the 'daughter ' you willingly left behind and abandoned while you lived the dream.

so for all of that, I hate you."