LEFT BEHIND | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter.

CHAPTER 50 - ONWARDS AND UPWARDS.

"So you're nervous, Y/n, you can talk to me. How many times have we been through this? What's going through your head?" Louise tells me as she settles back into her chair and crosses her legs. Me laying down on her couch, pretending like I'm someone in therapy like in the movies. I turn my head to face her and send her a little smile.

"Sometimes I don't like how well you know me now, maybe I need a new therapist." I joke, Louise sends me a smile while rolling her eyes and just staring at me waiting to answer. 

"UGhhhh, okay. Maybe I am nervous but why wouldn't I be? I hate school, but I also understand I need to go and I'm not objecting to that, not anymore anyway. But still, I chose this school, I know I did but what if it isn't actually any good for me? What if I stumble into someone at the school who is still badly struggling and I fall back into things I shouldn't? Like no one can truly know if any of the kids there don't still do drugs or drink to their hearts contempt or even self harm. I don't want to fall back into old habits, I can't fall back into old habits, because being totally honest with you Louise, I don't, I don't think I'll end up coming out alive." My hands are shaking but I place them underneath my bum to sit on them, begging the shaking to go away. I'm proud of myself, being able to be open and upfront with Louise. Just being able to speak without any consequences, and being given new ideas on how to guide me into the right direction. 

"Well, the school is one that this office works closely with, hence why it was in the list. Most teenagers who are there, are there because they want to change, because they want a different life. The same as you do. Of course some teenagers might still be doing some stuff but it isn't all about them JJ, it is also about you. If you feel like you're going to be easily persuaded, walk away, don't take no for an answer, you call someone, you remove yourself. And if they aren't enough then tell me other ways you might want to avoid certain situations." Louise speaks to me softly as I slowly sit up and face her properly. My hands aren't shaking anymore.

"Well, I don't know, I can just walk away, I can call mom or you. I don't know what else I can do, all I know is that when, if I do certain things, I'm not going to be very vocal about it, or even want to talk about it." I shrug my shoulders as I think back about the times I had done drugs or have drunk. I always shrugged the interrogations off and walked away, and then I just repeated it all over again. What's to say I won't do that again? I hate how I have no faith in myself. 

"JJ...I think you're not giving yourself any credit. You've significantly progressed since the first time I saw you. You are a different person than the person you were when you walked into my office. I believe, with all the progress you have made that you are going to go into that school and be yourself, you're not going to be persuaded, because that isn't you anymore." Her words hit me, I want to believe her, I need to believe her but part of me also can't. I don't know what I am like when I am in a bad place, I don't process how bad I am until I am completely gone, until I am way past rock bottom. 

"I want you to drug test me."

"JJ, I don't-"

"No, I'm asking you to drug test me. I...I don't care if you have faith or believe in me but I need you to do this. I need to be held accountable if I do something wrong and I risk myself going down the wrong road again. Of course I'm going to do everything in my power to not do the things I found myself doing 6 months ago, god even a year ago but  if I do end up falling and I refuse to admit it then I want to be held accountable. Please." I beg, it's stupid, begging for her to drug test me to make sure I am still telling the truth but I know I can lie, I know I can hide myself being high and if I am down I will lie. I will do everything in my power to make everyone else look insane rather than myself.