LEFT BEHIND | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter.

CHAPTER 18 - ASKING FOR HELP IS BRAVE.*

My body jolts awake in shock. I feel disorientated.

I don't process anything that's happened until I notice myself still wrapped in a towel underneath my covers. 

It wasn't a dream. 

I start to get myself out of bed, only when I go to step out of my covers I nearly end up stepping on mom who is asleep on the floor right next to the bed. 

I have to take a moment to breathe. She didn't leave. She stayed. 

I can't help but cry. It's stupid. 

But it is something I've wanted for years. For her to stay by my side when I was hurt, when everything felt like it was too much to handle. I just wanted her next to me. 

I didn't realise how loud I was crying until mom sat up fully aware of my uncontrollable tears. She gets up and pulls me into her arms. 

She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't need to.

After some time she pulls me from her arms and wipes my tears away. I try to count the amount of times she has done that in the past 3 weeks but I can't. It feels like more than what it definitely should be. 

Scarlett sends me the sweetest smile and I swear it's only seconds and I start to cry again. 

I'm overwhelmed with guilt. With everything I'm putting her through but more to the fact she is still here. 

Dad was right. She is trying. 

She doesn't even hesitate to put my hands on her chest and start breathing slow and deep, a clear indication that my breathing is picking up and I need to calm down. 

Our foreheads lean against one another and it's like as soon as I feel her my breathing slows, suddenly breathing isn't so hard anymore. 

"I love you, bug. Please never, ever, ever forget that." Her green eyes pierce into mine and it's like I can see all the love she feels for me wash over them as they fill with tears. 

For so long I've never thought about how my actions can hurt the people around me. 

Maybe that's because dad never spoke about the attempt, my friends didn't know. I never had to see the hurt in the people around me because none of them knew and the people who did acted as though it never happened, trying to make me feel normal again. Trying to act like I was okay because maybe that was easier than realising I needed real help, that I was struggling badly. 

But also maybe they didn't know how to help, how or what they could change around me and make it better. 

I was stubborn. I am stubborn. 

The majority of the time I got away with half the stuff I pulled in school, maybe it was because of what happened. Who am I kidding? It was because of what happened. 

Imagining kicking out the kid who was very clearly struggling mentally but they didn't know how to handle it. They sent me to a therapist until I said I was feeling so much better and I turned reckless, 'an act of rebellion'. It was easy to fool people when being an amazing actress clearly ran through me like second nature. 

Especially if dad never saw how much I was struggling. 

I can't help but think if things would have been different if mom knew. Or if she never drifted away. 

Do I blame her for how I felt, for the things I did? Honestly I don't know. It isn't that simple. 

Her actions affected me, they made me feel certain things sure but she never put a blade into my hand herself. She never told me it wasn't worth it anymore. I made myself fall into these patterns. So again I don't know. And I never will know.