LEFT BEHIND | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter.

CHAPTER 16 - DAD. *

2nd February 2019

The house has been full of tension the past few days. Me and mom haven't really had a proper conversation. Only when she asks me questions do we talk. 

It feels like we are back to square one all over again only it's the other way round. She doesn't want to talk to me, but I want to talk to her. 

I just don't know how to approach the situation. 

Should I even approach the situation? Honestly I don't know anymore. 

I'm currently in bed, staring into space. 

Trying to figure out what to do. 

I only come up blank. 

My laptop stops playing the music I had softly playing as it starts to ring. 

My face lights up when I see dads picture light up my screen asking to FaceTime. It's 8am right now so it must be 10pm for him!

"Hey dad!" The brightest smile spreads on my face just from seeing his face. 

We speak about his work and how it's going, it feels like he has been only forever but it's literally only been 3 weeks, nearly a month. 

He shows me some of the modelling pictures he has taken for a brand he is currently working with and I find myself feeling everything I've felt for the past few days slowly leaving my body, just from hearing his voice and seeing his day.

I love hearing about dads work, something about having an art of being able to take pictures and making them into this massive thing amazes me. I don't know, maybe I am biassed because he is my dad but he is just so good at what he does. 

My smile lessens as I take in his next words,

"So, I spoke to your mom yesterday." My eyes widen and suddenly everything I thought I felt melt away, is instantly back. 

"Okay? What did you two talk about?" 

"You." Short and simple? I hate that. 

"What about me?" I sigh out. 

"How you've been behaving. Finding out about you smoking? JJ I thought we spoke about this when I was taking you to Scarletts?" I roll my eyes at him, I don't like arguing with dad. I'm more annoyed that mom actually told him. Bet she didn't tell him she was smoking too.

"She was smoking too." I mutter. 

"Yes she was, I know that but JJ she is an adult? You're a child. What is so difficult for you to understand?" 

"What do you mean 'yeah she was'?"

"She told me she was smoking too, JJ she used to smoke years ago, not like it matters but as far as I knew she hadn't smoked since you were 2." I just stared at him in shock, how did I not know that?

"But again JJ, that's beside the point. Again, you're a child. And until you're 18 years old, I expect to never hear or see you smoking ever again. Do you understand me?" I can hear how angry he is, I nod my head to answer him straight away. 

"Yes, I'm sorry. I won't do it again..." I look up into the camera as I speak, making sure he hears and sees me clearly. 

"You need to speak to her, JJ. I don't want to make you feel bad and I'm sorry if I do but when she called me she was sobbing. She loves you JJ, she is trying- I don't know if you see that she is doing that yet but she is. She spoke to me about getting you into school and other stuff. She is trying"

"I know, I love her too, just sometimes it is hard not to be sarcastic or bitter...school is a HARDDDD no dad. And what do you mean other stuff?"

"JJ, I- Ugh I hate this more than you're going to and I hate it because I'm not there but have you relapsed?"  My eyes widen on their own accord. I drop my head in hopes of that being enough of an answer. 

Remember when I was in hospital when he was out of state and I tried to call Scarlett but she didn't reply until days later?

Well I didn't show up to breakfast at school and a teacher came round to my room and found me on the floor of my bathroom, I had tried to stop everything. I don't know, me and dad don't really speak about it. He just knew I was struggling with stuff. I had therapy in school but it was easy to lie and act like I was okay again so he didn't need to worry. 

Mom saw the scar on my wrist. 

Mom saw the cuts on my thighs. 

I can't even lie to him right now because he will know I am lying. 

A tear dropping onto my hand makes my hand fly to my eyes to wipe away the tears I didn't realise had started to fall. 

"JJ, hey. Baby, it's okay. I promise you, it is okay if you have relapsed but I need you to just breathe before you send yourself into a panic attack." I don't even hear my own breathing picking up myself until he mentions it. 

I'm constantly trapped in my own mind. 

I don't want him to see me right now. 

"I have to go dad, I love and miss you bye." I mumble before closing my laptop and pushing it further to the side and pull my covers over my head. 

He has told her, I can feel it. I can imagine their conversation in my head, mom crying over seeing my cuts, my dad being shocked at finding out I have relapsed. Mom being more upset finding out it wasn't the first time, mom being even more upset finding out about my attempt and dad never telling her anything. 

I didn't want her to know. 

I didn't want her to know that her 12 year old felt so lost in this world she thought the only way out was to stop being in the world. 

I didn't think she deserved to know, she never answered the hospital's calls or mine after it happened. 

Maybe that's selfish, honestly I don't know what's selfish anymore and what's not. 

And I hate that I'm starting to feel so lost all over again. 

I thought being here was getting better. I thought me and mom were getting better but the past few days have just felt awful. 

My body itches for some relief. To just stop feeling all of this, to stop feeling anything. 

I'm in the bathroom locking the door before I can change my mind. 

My mind goes blank as I look through the cupboard above my sink. 

My hand finds a razor on the shelf. 

I stand and stare at it before I pull the razor apart to hold the blade in my hand. 

I move to the shower and turn it on. I sit underneath the cold water that flows down on to me. I don't even notice my own tears. 

I'm still in my oversized t-shirt I slept in.

Just as I put the blade to my skin my door crashes open, nearly breaking off its hinges as mom comes running into the shower. 

She doesn't bother turning off the shower as she falls to the shower floor ripping the blade out of my hand and pulling me into her chest. 

I don't release any sobs. 

I just sit numbly in her arms.