LEFT BEHIND | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter.

CHAPTER 38 - 3:32AM.

I still can't sleep. My mind is all over the place. One minute I'm trying to tell myself that things are going to get better, the next I'm telling myself that it isn't and none of it is worth it anymore. 

I don't want to think anymore. 

I wish there was a way to shut off your brain completely. Like if there was a switch that could just control it. 

But that isn't reality. 

Reality is shit. 

How am I meant to talk to mom? How am I meant to try and explain the reason Rose's words hurt so much?

I will just look so stupid, letting a 4 year old upset me. 

I can already imagine it now. 

"JJ she is 4, she doesn't mean it. She thinks I am a superhero and fights bad people for a living. Come on now, she doesn't even know what hating people is really."

But that is the thing. She doesn't know. Which somehow makes it worse. Why would she say it? She said I ruin everything, how would she even know that that means? 

And I hate that I feel like the only reason she knows these things is because she has heard them herself. Or she has just heard something else said to say it. 

Regardless, words hurt no matter what. No matter who they are coming from, no matter the age. It doesn't mean what she said hasn't affected me because it has. 

I'm sitting here trying to convince myself why my own mom doesn't hate me, but she is right. Mom has every single reason to hate me, I have ruined a lot since coming back into her life. 

Rose is right. 

A 4 year old is right. 

"Bug?" Moms hand touches my shoulder, I flinch away from the shock as I put my hand on my chest and face her. 

"Jesus mom, you nearly gave me a heart attack"

"Sorry, I tried calling your name but you didn't answer so I went to the toilet and now I'm here." Mom replies as she slides my headphones off of my head. Her hands resting on my cheeks while her thumbs wipe away my tears that I didn't know were falling. 

"I'm sorry I fell asleep while you were out. Can we talk bug? And I mean actually talk, no arguing, just talk to me." 

"It's okay, you've had a long day, I haven't made it any easier for you..." I lower my head but her hands only pick my head back up. 

"Don't say that. None of this is easy, you're right but it isn't just down to you baby." Mom leans forward to press a kiss on my forehead, my eyes instantly closing as more tears fill my eyes. 

"I'm...I'm really sorry." I choke out, my own hand flying up to my mouth to cover my sobs. 

"It's okay. It's okay. Shh bug." Mom brings me into her arms, my head resting on her chest. Her heartbeat calming me down in an instant. 

"I just got so mad at Rose, and- and I couldn't, I just couldn't stop." 

"Bug, what happened?"

"It doesn't matter what happened anymore, it's already happened." 

"It does matter, if it has gotten you this upset and made you react the way you did then it does matter. It matters to me." Mom tries to persuade me to talk but what good will come from it. It will be how I've already imagined it, she is a child. She doesn't realise what she has said. 

"I wouldn't give her iPad back, so she shouted at me. And before you even say it, I know she is a child mom, I know that but that doesn't mean that her words don't hurt. She doesn't realise how hurtful her words can be, I know that." I say to mom, I want to be able to say it before she can. "When I wouldn't give it back she just shouted 'this is why mommy hates you.' and I just lost it, part of me didn't really process what I had done until after but I knew I had done it. And after I did she told me she hated me, she said 'I hate you, so does mommy and daddy. you ruin everything' . She was upset and angry at me, I broke her iPad and took it from her. I just let her hit me, she is 4, she was having a tantrum." I mutter out, so over all of this already. I hate how my mind is so easily influenced. 

"I don't hate you. And it is really important to me that you know that. None of us hate you bug, not me, not Colin, not even Rose. Yes she was upset and angry, we all say things when we are feeling angry and upset. And I can understand why what she said did hurt but none of it is true. Rose will wake up tomorrow and she will still be the one who wants to wake you up first thing and have a cuddle with you in bed, because she doesn't understand why it would hurt." Mom says back to me, I can't even read her right now, she just sounds normal, maybe it's because we are whispering to not wake Rose but still. I don't even see the point of any of this anymore. Nothing is going to come out of it. 

"I will talk to her, and she will be punished for it. Especially this nasty number too..." Moms finger slides over my under eye and I feel myself wince and pull away. 

"What?"

"She gave you one black eye, that girl..." Mom mutters in shock, my body shrinking in on itself. Great, I have a black eye, from a 4 year old, who I very easily could have held her arms away from me but I didn't. "Why did you even let her hit you JJ?"

"She needed to let her anger out, what better than on the person who caused it?" I tell her sadly as tears refill my eyes and I just lower my head into moms stomach. Moms arms bring me closer to her and I just continue to cry into her stomach, I just want all of these feelings to go away. I want to stop crying over every single inconvenience that happens. 

"We don't fight, we never fight. Not with our fists, she knows better than that regardless of her age. I will talk to her, the same as I have with you and you're both not getting away with either of it. You broke her iPad and I understand you were upset and frustrated but you should also know that, that isn't how we communicate." Mom tells me sternly. "I know, I'm sorry and I want to tell Rose I'm sorry too. I also think part of me is still trying to get used to having a little sister, I've always been the baby, I know that also sounds like an excuse but I don't mean for it to be but it is true."

"I know bug. You're going to talk to her and then tomorrow you're buying her a new iPad."

"Wait what? Mom, I literally have no money." I chuckle out, wiping my tears away and look up at her. 

"Er yes you do, I have access to your bank and you very much so have money, you know you do too. I used to send you money every month when you were at school and looking at it, it honestly looks like you haven't spent any..." I stare at mom realising she is right. She did send me money and I very rarely used it, maybe it was a bitter thing back then, I would only send the money that dad sent me not mom so I do have my fair share in some money in my bank. 

"Okay...I will buy her a new iPad." I mumble back annoyed but also jokingly, I should be the one too, I broke it in the first place. 

"Too right you will." Mom smirks at me as she kisses me on the forehead, her hands smoothing my hair down the side of my head. 

"Let's go to bed bug." Mom whispers.

"Cuddle me?" I shyly say back. Moms face instantly brightening up at my request. 

"I will always cuddle you, no matter how old you are."