LEFT BEHIND | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter.

CHAPTER 34 - NOT GOING.

It feels like it has been forever since I've been sat on this floor but in reality it can't have been anymore than 20 minutes. 

And I know that from the fact mom is sitting behind me with my head resting on her chest as she tries to help me slow my tears. 

Louise called her and it was obvious that was going to happen, I wanted to show I can help myself, that I don't need to be looked after constantly. It just makes me feel more weak. It just makes me feel more helpless. 

I know mom only wants to help in good nature but is it helping if it also makes me feel so much worse when she has to hold me in her arms and get me to calm down? To breathe or I will pass out from not getting any oxygen in my lungs? Honestly I don't know. 

Part of me feels like the reason I can't escape is because I'm not being allowed too. Having therapy, talking about what has happened, it just feels like everything won't leave. That it isn't allowed to leave because if it does then people will think I am pushing away rather than actually working through it but maybe me pushing it away is me working through it? 

Maybe it is me not wanting to allow everything that has happened, to define me as a person. 

Why can't it just be that simple?

"Let's get you into bed bug" 

Well maybe if that is how I feel then why am I still allowing myself to mope around?

"I don't want to go to bed, I'm fine now." I get up off the floor and walk into my bathroom, I look in the mirror and wipe my face of any signs that I have been crying. 

I am not letting myself fall anymore. 

"Bug..." mom says as she stands behind me looking at me through the mirror. I send her a smile and walk out of the bathroom and my room and go downstairs. 

I hear mom follow after me, she keeps calling my name but I just ignore her, if I ignore her, I ignore the way she is looking at me.

Before I can even walk through the kitchen mom has grabbed my arm and turned me around. 

"We need to talk about this JJ." She tells me sternly but also with some sympathy in her voice but I don't want to.

"We don't. We don't have to talk about any of this."

"JJ!" Mom calls to me as I pull myself out of her arm and walk into the kitchen pulling open the fridge and finding myself a drink and then making my way into the living room and making myself comfy on the couch with Colin and Rose. 

Mom doesn't come in for another 10 minutes and I just avoid the side glances Colin is sending me as I stare at the film Rose is watching. 

But when mom comes in, I can't help but feel the guilt when I take a subtle glance at her face. Her eyes are red and I can tell she has just cried and I hate feeling bad and I hate making her feel like this but I don't want to be weak and broken anymore. 

I just want to be me. 

The room is in silence as we all keep making subtle looks between one another. I can tell Colin is waiting for either me or mom to explode first but I am not going too. I can tell he is eyeing mom more and I guess Rose feels the sadness in the room as she gets off of Colins lap and moves over towards mom in the love seat. 

They both sit there whispering for a while and I can't take my eyes off of them. I don't really know why I can't move my gaze but mom chooses to ignore me and I don't understand why that hurts so much when she picks Rose up and leaves the room without even acknowledging me.