Dark And Light

Chapter 46

Warning, the chapter is kinda heavy. It centres around Eating Disorders(Ana) quite a bit. you can skip this chapter if you'd like. It includes thoughts that go through the person's mind and actions. I'll put asterisks where the thoughts begin and end given it can be triggering.

You wanna know what goes through my mind when I eat when I'm supposed to be fasting? or when I've had a meal already?
Fuck, when I simply eat?

***You're a fattie,

Wow look at that,

You really ate that? that's why you're not at your goal weight.

fucking weak,

You couldn't ignore that hunger for a while more??

You could've had that tomorrow.

You're such a cow.

If you weren't restricting you'd be fat.

Why did you pick up that biscuit? Just because you saw it in your bag you ate it? Disgusting.

Why did you eat all of that?

You could've had that if you didn't go and buy cookies.

and then I weigh myself in the wee hours of the morning.***

Mom tries to tell me to stop, but I don't listen to her.

Instead, I do what the other thoughts would say.

Whatever the number of pounds I was over my goal weight of 90 lbs would be should like tally on my arm.
The thing is, I hated doing it for that. But it kept wanting to eat in check. Though the female body generally fluctuates a lot in terms of weight.

But that's why I had to cut off the link of whatever Brina and my siblings and I had. They'd be able to tell once I've hurt with the stinging or tingling.

The only problem is, I've barely hidden it, the last few times I've done it.

And, well now they know.

But I haven't hurt in some days, I got to that weight and below since I'd gone back to the therapist to do the Regressive hypnotherapy.

"Ok, lift up your arms."

I tried my best to hold the dress and keep my arms up at the same time. The damp hair on my back was annoying me, I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to wash my hair today of all days and come out here with it damp. Then again thinking straight hasn't come very easily for the past month. The negatives of weight loss I guess.

I was brought back to reality when the seamstress pulled on the corset of the dress.

"Ok, all is good. You wanna take a look in the mirror?"

I nodded, feeling slightly excited. She took this dress in a few days ago because when the dress came it was a bit spacy. I won't lie and say I don't know how so, because I do. Anyone can.

I looked in the mirror and swore I saw Mom in the reflection for a second, smiling at me. But I don't think it was her, I could just be hallucinating. That was another commonality when I got nervous.

I finally smiled when I saw myself in the dress. Sabrina kept a straight face.

"You're so much smaller than I thought. You even have this heroin chic look, it's amazing.'
She awed. And I mean ACTUALLY was in awe, like she didn't know exactly how I did it but it was a good amazing thing. I could see and feel that Sabrina was trying hard not to say something to this seamstress.
"You sure you don't wanna have it form-fitting?"