(Silently Drowning Series - Book Two)
Maybe that's it. We eventually go numb; because you can't break a heart that's already broken.
Maxwell Augustus; A boy who has seen nothing but hatred, yet somehow he's filled with so much love. Covered in scar...
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Maxwell Augustus
"I know you're scared but it is not of me. You're afraid of the realness. fearful for the first time in your life of something you can't walk away from, and that scares the hell out of you." ~ Jim Storm
Being so young and sick is sort of like being elderly in some ways.
Well except for the lack of reflection on all the great adventures we went on so long ago, and great times we shared once upon a time.
Instead, we watch those around us living their best life through a screen, making memories they will look back on when they are retelling the story to their grandkids.
Watching bitterly for our turn, praying we get that chance.
Even if we have to lie about it.
Even more fearful about falling in love.
Fearful for the person you fell in love with and how they may live with themselves if you don't make it to thirty-five.
Fearful how they may react if they discover your illness isn't what killed you but rather it being your own self-negligence.
The thing people often dismiss about chronic illness is that there will always be a daily sense of disappointment.
They also fail to associate chronic illness with chronic grief, the quick realization that life will never be what you hoped it could have been one day and any plan for the future seems so fucking dim, the thought of plans having to suddenly change over night is such a major loss.
The life I can live when I finally get Lisa and I out of that house is really whatever can fit into the very small space between having enough energy to peel my eyes open in the morning and reaching the point where I know I will end up crashing.
Saying life with chronic illness is a struggle would seem like I'm undermining it.
It's a constant struggle to wake up when all I want to do is lay back in bed and sleep my entire life away, get dressed first thing in the morning, look like I'm at least half awake, and smile when all I want to do is fall to my knees in tears.
Every little movement is a constant fight against my own body and I'm growing to be really fucking sick of it.
"Maxie, I don't mean to alarm you but there is one very pissed looking Romeo standing by the door and if he plans on killing me, I will in fact be hiding behind you." Megan suddenly states as we exit the matte black van.
I glanced up for a split second which just made the dizziness that has gotten far worse in the last hour increase.
"Are you okay?" Megan asks when she didn't receive an answer and once she has likely noticed the fact I have not let go of the car. I just shake my head with a small shrug. "Shit. Romeo there's a slight pr-"
