Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

Happy Christmas

         At first the break sucked. Seriously sucked. Low energy days blending into each other. Both of them knowing all the unspoken shit that was going on, but not knowing how to talk about it— But as it got closer to Christmas Sirius started to realize there were perks to a quieter dormitory.
       He had more of these little moments with Remus. Quiet ones without the bustle of other boys in between them. The moments that, when he was younger, he used to take as some sort of delusional proof that Remus could love him too.
         Of course he'd never voiced it— He and Remus were practically brothers— And although he hated it when James referred to them like that, it made sense. To everyone other than Sirius it was a very plain truth— The four of them always had been like siblings. Not the way he and Reg were, but more the way you heard about siblings in stories. The banter and the strong bonds and everything. Brothers who caused trouble together and brothers who were there for each other no matter what. They were fit for a story book.
         But Remus had always felt separate from that. From the beginning he'd been different—

        Sirius had first really noticed Remus while goofing off in the common room with James and Peter. He'd looked up to see this boy sitting by the window, small, skinny, and freckled, sporting a few scars across his face. He'd been reading with his fingers grasping his book so hard it was wrinkling in his hands. Sirius hadn't known what to make of the feeling in his stomach at the time. All he knew was he felt dizzy somehow as if he couldn't breathe quite right.

           Sirius still felt like that— It felt a lot more weird and embarrassing now that he was sixteen and not eleven.. Now that he was older it felt like there was more at stake. When you were a kid and you liked a friend of yours it still felt innocent. It could mean anything really. But the older you got, the more meaning people put to it.

            It didn't really matter though— Sirius knew now that the things he'd taken as proof were self created. When you want so badly for someone to feel things for you, you'll start to notice stuff that isn't there.

            He still quite enjoyed those little moments all the same..

________________

One of the few days of the year Sirius woke up early was Christmas—  He tossed a pillow at Remus's head as light filtered through the narrow windows.
"Get your sorry ass up I wanna open my presents." Remus groaned, curling into a ball as Sirius got up. He padded across the small space between their beds, yanking the covers off him and Remus let out something of a whine. Sirius snorted, looking down.
           "You're horrible—" The boy mumbled into his pillow. He shrugged.
           "Your fault for staying up till the crack of dawn with Lily last night. Get up."
            While Remus worked on dragging himself out of bed, Sirius turned and scanned the gifts at the end of his own. There was a small parcel from the Potters, a card from Andromeda, an unwrapped box of chocolates from Marlene, a box with brightly colorful wrappings from Lily, and a badly wrapped bundle with no name.
           He spent a moment reading over his cousin's card, smiling hard at the stupid doodles moving across the page before he set it down, opening the Potter's gift. It was a new sketchbook with a note that said:
          'With love from Fleamont, Euphemia, and  
          James. Merry Christmas!"   

          He felt warm, holding the book with both hands and willfully forgetting how mad he was at James just for a moment.
          A gift from a family sent with love— It didn't seem to matter that they weren't his family. He didn't bother getting hung up on the technicalities.

           He set the book carefully on his bedside table, scanning the chocolates before opening Lily's gift. It was a small box of sugar mice.
          Both would probably be gone by the end of winter break—

           Lastly he picked up the bundle.
"I wonder who this is from— Doesn't have a name on it or anything." Remus, who had finally begun to unwrap his own presents, glanced over at Sirius's bed with interest.
"Oh that's me— Sorry about the shitty wrapping job—" he smiled and put down the card he'd been reading as Sirius slowly ripped away the paper. inside was one of Remus's favorite sweaters, a card, and a little book. He snorted as he read the card.

'Merry Christmas, Pads. You keep me sanely insane —Remus'

           "Sanely insane?" Remus smiled softly, shrugging his shoulders.
            "Insanely sane wouldn't be quite right— That'd be like.. Extraordinarily sane, which I'm not." Sirius shook his head, setting down the card and picking up the book. The title was scrawled in Remus's barely legible handwriting. It read:

          'Happy Christmas'

         As Sirius skimmed through it, he saw that it was filled with stories— Four stories actually, each of them describing a different Hogwarts Christmas. Sirius lingered on each one, the corners of his lips twitched upwards, charmed by the memories.
        Where the stories ended marked the beginning of many blank pages, but on the last page, there was a small note:

           'You can fill in these with any future
           Christmas adventures as long as we're friends 
           (or until you run out of space.)'

           Sirius bit his lip, looking up. He met Remus's eyes.
           "Thank you, Re— This is—"  He visibly searched for the words he was looking for and didn't find them, but Remus seemed to understand. The boy nodded, pointing vaguely over at the book as he resumed his own gift opening.
            "No problem— I um— I left spaces for you to draw some pictures of us all. If you wanted to—" Sirius raised his eyebrows. Slowly, he reopened the book. "I'm not equipped to illustrate a storybook like that so I thought I'd better not try. I'd have totally ruined it."
            Sirius snorted slightly, as he examined his gift more carefully.
            "Yeah.. I've seen you try to draw dogs.. It's.. Good to know your strengths.." He teased.
           Sure enough, after every short story was a blank page or two waiting to be filled up.
            A collaborative piece.
           Sirius grinned, setting down the book and crossing to where Remus sat.

            The boy raised an eyebrow as Sirius sat down on his bed, then gave a little oomph. The force of the hug took them both back, Sirius practically on top of him against his mattress.
"You're so lovely." Sirius said quietly, chin resting against Remus's chest. After a moment he heard the boy laugh, feeling the frame under his chin rise and fall.
"I'm assuming you liked my gift?" Sirius could hear him smiling as he said it.
"It was a good one, yeah." Sirius murmured happily. His head tilted and he closed his eyes and he let himself linger like that for a moment longer than he probably should have before forcing himself to sit up. As he did, he glanced over at Remus's gifts. "You still haven't opened mine."
             "Mm— Will you pass it to me?"
              He picked up a box wrapped in navy blue, white stars drawn in constellations over the paper, and handed it over.
              After delicately undoing the wrappings, being very careful not to rip them, Sirius watched Remus set aside the Honeydukes chocolate with a smile and unfold the card. He waited patiently, knee bouncing slightly as Remus read it.

'Not the most merry Christmas we've ever had, I'll admit, but god if there isn't anyone I'd rather spend it with than you. Hope I can make this Christmas a happy one if I can. Love you, Moons'

          Remus smiled sweetly to himself. Smiles like those could only be found when Remus didn't know Sirius was paying attention to them—

"Watch out there—" He murmured, still not looking up. "Don't make me cry now—" Sirius could tell he was joking, but there was a slight strain audible in his throat. Sirius smiled down at his knees, quiet for a moment.
            Eventually he nudged Remus's shoulder with his own.
"If you cry I'll have to comfort you— Let's not subject ourselves to that mess today—" He heard Remus snort, shaking his head with a very subtle sniffle.
              Sirius's smile lingered on the edges of his lips as he listened to it, fingers tugging at the fabric of his pajama pants.

              Happy Christmas.