Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

Stars

       Sirius could only tell that Snape had kept his promise based on the fact that only a handful of Gryffindors seemed to really hate him— Seemed like Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas had been instructed not to speak to him, but Sirius could tell they didn't really understand what was going on.
       Hogwarts was a small school in a lot of ways— Word traveled fast through the echoey stone hallways. If Snape had told, Sirius would have found out.

       That was at least a small comfort to Sirius— Knowing that despite the stress and anger and fear he'd cause Remus already, his secret was still safe.
       But that fact didn't change his own situation.

       Sirius hadn't experienced isolation on this wide a scale in years— It was suffocating to sit in a dormitory with three of your closest friends and hear them talking every night while knowing you weren't welcome to join.
And most nights they barely talked in the dorm at all. They just sat in the common room, leaving Sirius to his bed all alone.

       He deserved that— He knew he deserved that— He had to keep telling himself that this was his real punishment.
        Things were so bad he'd even stopped writing to Andy about it all. Ever since she'd graduated from Hogwarts, they'd send notes back and forth, Sirius telling her what went on in the castle and her writing back about the things she got up to with Teddy, but this didn't feel like something he wanted her to know. Sirius was so ashamed of his own bad behavior he couldn't bear to consider what Andy might think of him knowing he'd done something so stupid.

       It almost felt merciful when his detentions started— He spent them with Filch. For two hours after dinner, Sirius cleaned every inch of the castle he could think of, running errands, doing other various chores. He was Filch's personal assistant for the next four months. That was the agreed upon punishment.
But somehow manually scrubbing the floor of the dungeon classrooms or polishing every last trophy ever won at Hogwarts was preferable to being up in Gryffindor tower.

_________________________

       Sirius wiped the hair off his forehead as he slowly made his way up the many stairs from the dungeons. His hands were filthy and he was exhausted and all he wanted was to crawl into bed and stay there all the next day. But when he got to the portrait hole, he froze
        He could hear chatter and music far louder than the normal Friday night common room buzz. It sounded like it did after a Quidditch match—
        He tried hard to think about what might be happening in there at this hour, when his heart sank.
        It was January 30th— January 30th was Lily's sixteenth birthday—

       "Are you going to give me the password or not, dear—" The fat lady prompted. Sirius shook his head, taking a step back.
       "No, sorry—" He turned on his heel, steps echoing against the stone as he made for the stairs. He needed to be somewhere far away— The thought of stepping into that room and facing all of them together— The thought of ruining Lily's party— It made him feel ill.

       He nearly tripped in his haste to get up the stairs to the astronomy tower and when he got there, he just stood, unsure what to do.
       This time Remus wasn't up there— He wasn't coming either. Sirius was on his own. So he stepped forward, head tilting up to see all those stars up there.

       A while back— Years ago— Sirius had taught Remus the names of his favorite stars. He remembered the boy asking what made them so special.

       "Some of my favorite people are in the stars." He'd said quietly, looking up. "Regulus. And Andromeda." He shrugged, looking down and picking at his nails. "Some of my least favorite people too, but that's alright." Remus had tilted his head, looking upwards.
       "I never liked stargazing—" Sirius had looked over, frowning slightly.
       "We can go back if you hate it—" But Remus had shaken his head, curls in his eyes.
       "No— It's nice with you, I think—"
       And Sirius had smiled then. The words sticking sweet in his mind like honey.

       He wasn't smiling now.
       Now he sat, pressed up against the railing at the ledge, and he'd cried like he hadn't remembered crying in years.
       He cried so hard he thought he might break himself— Because after everything that had happened and all the things Snape had done, Sirius was still the one to blame. He'd done it wrong. That was his responsibility.
So he missed Lily's sixteenth birthday, her present still hidden under his bed, and he felt the stars and the moon boring into the back of his neck because he didn't dare face any of them like this.