Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

Promise

     The next few days were tense at best— Remus had disappeared when they'd initially gotten back to the common room, looking for Lily.
      When he'd come back Sirius had asked, rather tentatively, how she was doing. The boy had just tilted his hand back and forth, letting out a breath he seemed to have been holding.

      "Not great—? I dunno— She wouldn't really talk about it. I think she just needs a minute—" Sirius nodded.
        Ever since the adrenaline had worn off he'd found guilt eating away at him. Not because Snape hadn't deserved every second of it for what he'd said, but because of how hurt and disgusted Lily had looked— With both him and James.. Just when it seemed like they were all getting close—
        He also felt guilty because, despite the fact that this situation was messy and awful, he couldn't help but feel a bit of relief that he and Remus weren't quite at the center of it. If things had broken down between them again this year he wasn't sure how he would have handled it—

        The taller boy sat down on his bed with a worn sigh, rubbing his temples. After a moment Sirius sat down across the way, nudging their knees gently together. He tilted his head.
         "Hey um— I'm sorry if I made things worse— For Lily. I was gonna try and talk James out of it, but then he said what he said and I—" Sirius bit his lip then, trailing off as his gaze dropped. He felt Remus tense. "He's just full of shit and I was angry—"
          Remus only nodded, his hand coming to rest on Sirius's knee.
          "I know—"
          There was a silence where Sirius felt like even his breathing might be too loud— Worried for an instant that maybe he had screwed things up again after all. But when Remus looked up, he was smiling weakly.
           "Don't do stupid shit like that for me, pads— Okay—?" He murmured, voice low. "It's like you said.. He's full of it." Sirius felt the boy's hand squeeze against him and he swallowed.
            "You know I'll always do stupid shit for you—" He spoke softly, the words carrying a small laugh as they scraped through his throat. The two of them met gazes, Remus shaking his head fondly and Sirius biting back a smile.
         Then his face fell just slightly, eyes dropping to the hand on his knee. He cleared his throat. "Seriously though— Um— I'm trying not to be like that— Anymore.. you know..?" He swallowed. "Like.. I don't want to be mean—"

            He thought again about Regulus. About the look on his face whenever Sirius allowed himself to shout. That was a big part of the guilt too really— More than just feeling embarrassed by his own bad behavior. He couldn't help but imagine what his brother must have been thinking, watching the boy who was meant to be setting an example, being so cruel.
It made him feel a little sick—
He didn't want to be mean. He didn't know why it was so much easier for him to hurt than to let go. Something about old habits dying hard.

             When he allowed himself to look up, Remus was looking softly down, eyes crinkling fondly.
            "You're not mean, Sirius—" Sirius squinted, foot tapping against the stone floor.
             "You don't think so—?"

             "No, I don't."

———

            After that night, Sirius felt a slight ease in the guilt. He knew he shouldn't have done what he did, but maybe it was enough that someone was there to remind him that he wasn't really all bad. And if it was gonna be anyone, it was nice to know that someone was Remus—
           He wasn't entirely sure what James was thinking about the matter.. He hadn't spoken to any of them that night— Just gone up to bed without a word. He'd even been quiet in the following days which was more disconcerting than Sirius cared to admit.. James Potter was never not talking—

             It wasn't until Saturday that Sirius got any insight on what he was feeling about the whole situation.
           He'd gone to find James in the Gryffindor team changing room to see if he could coax him into some petty after class fun, but as he reached the door, he heard the mumbling of low voices from inside.
            Sirius leaned in, straining to figure out whether what they were talking about was too important to interrupt. His ear pressed against the door, brain trying to place the voices inside. Then he froze, hearing James' low serious tone.

           "—Called him a freak, Evans— I wasn't really gonna do anything, but you know how hard Re's had it this year as well as I do— I just—"
           "You're half the reason he's had such a hard time—" Lily cut in. "You're just as much of a bully, James.."
           Sirius bit his lip as he listened. The girl's voice crackled as she spoke and the shakiness of her words gave Sirius the impression that she was trying to sound more grounded than she felt.
          He hated the thought that she was sorta right too. And that it extended to Sirius himself— None of this would have happened if Snape had never found out about Remus.

          "That's why I couldn't let it slide." James said firmly. "I messed up this year— I get that, but I'm not letting shit like that go. He was out of line with Remus and what he said about you was disgusting—"
           There was a long pause and Sirius leaned closer, as if she might have whispered something he'd missed.
           He heard her sigh.
           "Well— You need to find a different way to deal with it then. I'm not gonna stand there and watch you torture him, regardless of what he says about me.. And I'm sure Remus feels the same way."
          Another tense sort of silence overtook the room, the muffled tap of James' sneaker audible through the door.

             "I— Yeah, no.. I will—" James said slowly. "Promise.."
             Lily didn't respond. Sirius heard her take a couple steps before James cleared his throat.
             "Evans— Err— Lily—"

             "Yeah..?"

              "..I'm sorry— Really—"

              Sirius held his breath in the silence that followed. He half expected her to just make for the door, but eventually she cleared her own throat.
              "Yeah— I know—"

              With that, her footsteps drew closer and Sirius suddenly realized he was very obviously eavesdropping. He scrambled to get away from the door, launching himself a few paces away.

             When the door of the changing rooms opened and Lily stepped out, she caught Sirius's eye. The girl squinted.
             "What're you doing out here—?" She asked rather suspiciously. Sirius frowned, casually pointing towards the door she'd just come from.
              "Came to bother James—" Lily pursed her lips, glancing over her shoulder. Then she nodded, either taking him for his word or simply too tired to argue, and gave him a tight lipped smile.
               "Alright— Well— See you."

           When Sirius entered the changing room, he found James sat on a bench, staring at his knees. He just stood in the doorway a moment, watching the boy's bowed head before clearing his throat.
         James jolted, but when he registered Sirius's face he gave a worn sort of smile.
               "Oh hey—"

               "Hey—" Sirius murmured, letting the door close and joining James on the bench. The two of them sat in silence for a moment or two before Sirius nudged their knees together.
                "You alright, mate—?"
                James didn't answer immediately, busy picking at a scab on his knuckle. Then he nodded.
                "Think so, yeah—"
                 Sirius nodded. He reached up a hand to ruffle James' already messy hair.
                 "Good to hear—"