Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

Happy Birthday, Remus

Sirius spent days in that chair, only leaving for classes, detentions, and nights— And if he could have stayed the nights he would've, but Madam Pomfrey always sheparded him out, muttering to herself about the importance of 'a good night's rest.'

______________________________

It was a rainy Monday evening in March and Sirius found himself sitting next to Remus's bed again. He'd come straight from detention, stopping only to wash his hands in the boys' bathroom—
When he'd got there, he'd found Madam Pomfrey changing his dressings. She'd looked up at the noise of the door, but smiled as she set eyes on him.
"Evening, Black."
"Evening—" She quickly gathered up the bloody dressings, turning only to say.
"I have some tea going in my office if you'd like a cup." Sirius had smiled, setting down his bag.
"Thank you—" The woman nodded, turning. Apart from bringing him a steaming mug, she'd been sure to leave the two of them alone. She always did.

Sirius talked idly to pass the time as he did his homework. More to himself than to Remus really— He talked about the things he'd learned in the classes Remus had missed, stupid shit James had said that week, the stress of upcoming exams— Anything and everything he could think of.
Every so often he'd lapse into silence or trade the chatter for mumbling the words of a definition or equation from a problem set, but for about an hour or so he kept himself busy with talk.
After a while though, he started to run out of useless things to say—
He finally looked up from his charms work and sighed.
"I know you're not really listening, but I keep wishing you'd surprise me with a witty comeback like you always do— It's no fun having conversations with no one— Feel like I'm going crazy without you..."
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He held it, feeling it strain against his ribs, throat beginning to burn for a moment too long before he let it all go at once.
"I want to be around you again— I thought coming here today specifically might help, but I'm just sat here thinking like— Look at him— He's not even here for his own birthday— Which is—" His eyes prickled again, threatening to overtake him so he took another breath. It was a moment before he could bring himself to say something else.
"Well anyways— Um— It feels like a gamble even sitting here every day cause one of them you might wake up and tell me to fuck off or something— Which is fine— It's what I get for being a total dick— But— That doesn't mean it hurts any less, right?" He squeezed his eyes shut, head falling down. "Right.. And even though you're not happy with me right now, I feel like all I can think about is that shit James was saying about like— Us? Like how you're different when I'm not there—? And it makes me feel this delusional hope that maybe you miss me the same way I miss you— And that— Like— Well I dunno maybe I could really sit here and tell you all the things I need to say to you and you'd just listen— And you'd maybe tell me you knew what I meant—" He sat silently, as if he needed quiet to process what he'd just said. Thinking about what he even meant by it—

When he finally did open his eyes, he felt his heart jump in his chest. A set of brown eyes were staring hazily back at him and Sirius had no clue how long the other boy had been listening—
He practically jumped out of his seat, parchment spilling out of his lap.
Shit
"I'm sorry—" He said quickly, going to collect his papers with shaky hands. "I'm probably not the person you um— the one you wanted to wake up
to—" He began shoving his work into his bag, but froze as Remus put a hand on his arm. The boy's voice was gravelly when he spoke— It sent a shiver through Sirius's whole body.
"What's the rush—" Sirius looked up, wide eyed as he tried to read Remus's face. It was worn and tired, but he didn't look upset— He looked— Strangely calm—
"But I thought—" Sirius began, but stopped as Remus let out a deep breath. He leaned back against his pillows, letting his eyes close. Sirius just stood, unsure what he was meant to do—

"Had a dream about you." the boy murmured softly. When he did, Sirius looked down at his shoes. Something about the smooth, kind way he was speaking felt— Off—
"Wasn't a scene or anything... More just a feeling. I— felt you—? I guess?" He mumbled, rubbing at his eyes and wincing as his hand hit one of his bandages. "I wouldn't have thought you'd really be here when it was over, but I think I'm glad you are—"

It was then that Sirius stepped back onto a piece of parchment still on the floor, biting his lip. He didn't feel prepared for this— Something about the gentle way Remus was speaking, so different from the last real conversation they'd had, was jarring. He licked his dry lips.
"Re— I don't—"
He didn't know what it was he was trying to say so he stopped, staring helplessly as the other boy opened his eyes again. He swallowed. Remus frowned, watching the tension in Sirius's body.
"Hm—?" Sirius's foot tapped against the stone floor.
Finally, he choked out,
"Why are you being so nice to me—"

There was a long pause. Remus's gaze really dropped for the first time since he'd woken up. His bony fingers fidgeted with his blankets for a while. Such a long while that Sirius started to feel suffocated by the silence. The quiet felt like it was winding him—
Then Remus shrugged.
"I don't really know actually—" He murmured, stealing a quick glance back up at Sirius. "For a while I kind of thought of leaving you alone as proving a point, but honestly— I think the only point I ended up proving was that I missed you." Sirius bit his lip as Remus smiled, shaking his shaggy head. "Which believe me— I hated— But— I think I'm getting tired of— I dunno— Whatever this is."
The boy looked up and Sirius slowly set down his bag, sitting hesitantly back in his chair. He still felt tense, but this tension felt a bit more mixed— It wasn't entirely good or bad— It felt somehow safer—
He cleared his throat.
"Well I think before you like— Take me back or whatever you deserve an actual apology—" Remus pursed his lips. He looked like he might say something, but decided against it, just nodding instead. Sirius closed his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Re— Like— For all the shit I caused and the stress and everything— It was so fucked up of me to use you to prove my own stupid point with Snape. I think I was just so caught up in the reason I was angry with him that I wasn't thinking the way I should've been." He took a breath. "And really— Like— If I could take it back I would— In a heartbeat—" Remus nodded as Sirius opened his eyes again.
For some reason Sirius had expected him to look angry again, but he didn't— He looked almost peaceful—
Then he sat up just a tad.
"Do you mind if I ask you something—?" Sirius's eyes widened, but he nodded, unsure of what sort of something Remus might be talking about— The boy frowned slightly.
"What was James saying— About you and me?"
Sirius froze up.
With Remus's warm, watchful eyes on him, he felt paralyzed by the question and Remus seemed to clock the hesitance because his eyebrows drew even closer together. After a moment he cleared his throat. "Are you alright—?" Sirius nodded hurriedly, looking down at his lap. His foot tapped rapidly against the ground, heart pounding in his own head.
"Yeah I'm— Yeah— Sorry—" He felt a hand on his shoulder and he swallowed, eyes fixed on his knees as he heard Remus breathing so close.
"You don't have to tell me if—" But Sirius shook his head.
"No, it's alright it's—" He cut himself off. In his mind he thought back to what James had asked him that night—

"Does Remus know—"
"Know what—?"

"How you feel about him—?"

"He just asked me about like— How we feel about each other— I suppose—" Sirius knew his voice sounded strange, but the other boy didn't point it out. He went quiet, hand still resting against Sirius, the pad of his thumb pressed to the skin of Sirius's neck
"And how do we feel about each other—?"
Sirius's head snapped up. He met Remus's eye, trying hard to understand how he meant that— The other boy licked his lips. Sirius felt fingers move against his shoulder through his shirt and he swallowed.
"I don't know—" Remus nodded and Sirius felt certain, for some reason, that Remus knew exactly what he was saying— Though he had no basis for the certainty. The boy smiled down at his covers, shaking his head.
"Yeah— Me neither—"